I told myself the article could be worse.It barely included what I wrote.Yes, it mentioned stealing the song, but Darren deserved credit for his work.I didn’t know who Brett’s Beat was, and it was their sheet music Darren took, so they should have been credited as well.My letter couldn’t have been the first one they received about Jesse.The concert in Portland sounded worse than what I said.Jesse’s pain was valid, along with their fans’ outrage.If I went to a concert that ended in a brawl, I would want a refund, too.
The new edition was flying off Grocery Outlet’s shelves, and it made me want to go back and put my name on the letter because Zipper had to be making a ton of money off the story.I wasn’t greedy, but I couldn’t work as many hours when summer ended, and money would be tight.
People in Butterfield worshiped the ground Jesse Young and The Matches walked on.It wasn’t every day that a famous band could come from our area.The article put a wrench in everyone’s beliefs, including my own.I knew that Jesse had issues and seeing him standing on the balcony made me feel a little spark of hope.He was getting some sort of help.He asked for help when needed, which was more than most people.However, if Jesse had read the article, he would know I wrote to Zipper, and I doubt he would be so forgiving of me.
When I got home, my momma asked how my day was, and I pined for someone to talk to about the article.Her hair was cut even shorter than before.She must have found her clippers and went to work while I was gone.Hundreds of hair clippings were lying in the bathroom trash.Her hair was nearly the same length as Tonya’s.The short strands framed her face, making her chin more prominent and sharper.I handed her the magazine, expecting a harsh reaction.When she reached the end of the page, she laughed hysterically.
“Oh my God.You sent them a letter.Was this what it was about?My Penny is feuding with rock n’ roll stars already.What am I going to do with you?”she said sarcastically.
“I wasn’t going to send the letter.Before I could interject, you stamped it and threw it in the mailbox.I don’t know if I did the right thing, Momma,” I said, laying everything out in the open.
“Nothing is black and white.If you felt it was wrong, then it was.If you feel guilty and think it’s bad, then you learned your lesson,” she advised me.I wanted her to yell at me like a normal parent would for once.I wanted to feel something.Momma wasn’t the type of parent to yell, though, and she wasn’t in any shape to raise her voice.
“He’s at that rehabilitation center.I wish James would have at least said he was hurting.Jesse can be awful, but he is trying.I’m scared I hurt him even more with that letter.I seem to be hurting many people recently,” I acknowledged.
“Then make it up to him.I need to make it up to you, Sweetie.I haven’t been a very responsible mother.You shouldn’t have to be supporting our family.I am going to look for a job.It’s only right.After James died, I didn’t want to face reality.I am still alive because of you.You are my baby, and you still need me, even if you have grown up so much and are starting to like boys and are becoming a writer.”She nudged me.
“Boys?I didn’t even tell you about Darren, did I?How did you know?It’s okay, Momma.I like working at the grocery store.It keeps my mind off things, and I feel good helping you.I know things have been rough.I miss him so much.Your hair looks nice.I like the new look.It makes you look tough,” I said, touching her new doo.She did look adamant, like a person who could handle her own business without a man dictating what she could or couldn’t do.
My momma drew me in close to her chest and clenched my shoulders.Things had been out of order since James died, and the woman holding me had changed.She was more assertive, responsible, and had a different haircut, but she was still my mother.She instinctively knew what was happening inside my head and how to ease my sorrows.Now that we were on the same page, I felt less alone.
“I would make it up to Jesse and the Matches if they would answer their phone.I tried calling them multiple times.It is what it is, I guess.I definitely won’t make the same mistake again.I learned my lesson: don’t write when you are angry, especially to popular magazines.How are you doing, Momma?I know how I feel.I couldn’t imagine how you feel.He was your soulmate.”
“It was so sudden.I didn’t think I would lose James until I grew old and gray,” Momma admitted.
“I knew he got sad sometimes and wanted a different job.I had no idea he was that bad.”
“I knew, Sweetie.There is only so much you can do.He wanted to look strong to you.He didn’t want you to see how badly he was struggling.He saw how much you looked toward him as a role model and didn’t want to mess that up.I tried to get him to see a doctor.He didn’t want to go.”
“I wished he would have told me.Everyone is messed up.He wasn’t alone in his feelings.I didn’t even ask you where you were when he died because I didn’t want to upset you.As you know, I was with Jesse Young and The Matches.I should have gone home earlier or somehow called him.Maybe if I did...”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference.I went to my friend’s house to discuss some new Avon products.James said he would be fine and was going to watch some TV.I got caught up in girl talk, drank some wine, and lost track of time.When I heard the sirens, I thought of him, and you know the rest,” Momma explained.
“It’s okay, Momma.We both got lost.”
“We are more alike than you think.You are my girl.We will figure this out.We need time to heal,” my momma said, bringing me a sliver of relief.
