I flipped my employee shirt over my head, shimmied on a pair of jeans, and drove to work like any other day.Even though James’s truck was technically mine, I didn’t change a thing about it.His fuzzy red dice still hung around the rearview mirror, the trash from his late-night snacks lay under the seat, his cigarette butts lay in the cupholder, and a manly odor lingered in the air.
As I turned into my parking spot under a tree for shade from the heat to keep the truck in mint condition, I moved the volume dial up.The station was untouched on 105.1 The ROCK!The man on the radio said smoothly, “Thank you for listening to 105.1 THE ROCK!Happy Fourth of July.Remember to light off fireworks, hang out with your friends, and listen to amazing music.Here is Jesse Young and the Matches’ new single...”
I put the truck into park.I checked the time on my watch, which showed that I’d arrived at work early, leaving me time to spare.I turned the dial up a little farther, hoping that what was to come was what I thought it was.
The song started with the low hum of a guitar, then a steady beat of the drums.My hands fell to my lap because Darren’s song was playing on the radio.Jesse’s raspy voice sang the lyrics I saw him scribble down two weeks before.My first thought was, “Wow, this song is perfect.”My eyes watered, and my jaw fell in awe.I understood the lyrics even more because I had a personal connection to them.I was enraptured for other people to hear Darren and Jesse’s combined brilliance.I paused, waiting to hear the announcer say Darren’s name or something about how the song came to be, but he didn’t.
At the end of the track, the man exclaimed, “Woah, folks, Jesse Young really is a star.He wrote and recorded the track in less than a week.‘Pitiful Peaches’ is climbing the charts, already placing in the Top Ten.Next, we have Aerosmith.”
I hit the steering wheel with my palm in frustration.My hand stung with pain from my rash reaction, but I didn’t care.Darren wrote that song, and Jesse was taking all the credit.I turned the entire radio off, tucked my hair behind my ears, and put on my customer service face because underneath I was pissed.The day dragged on and my anger rose.
After a long day at work, it was time for me to clock out.Out of habit, I bought a pack of sparklers to bring home.On the Fourth of July, I would bring a pack of sparklers to Darren’s house and let his siblings run around the yard with them.Betsy, Thomas, and Zach would join us.Betsy would paint little designs of flags and stars on the kids’ faces while we would get a kick out of watching them try to draw pictures in the air.They thought they were making beautiful artwork to celebrate our country, but all it did was form streaks of light in the sky as they clumsily drew.I wondered what they were doing without me.
When I got home, I heard faint whining and someone sniffling their nose.I knocked on Momma’s bedroom.“Are you okay, Momma?”
“I am fine, Penny.Go away,” she said as quiet as a mouse.
I opened the door and crawled into bed with her.I pulled her and James’s heavy brown comforter over my body and wrapped my arms around her.The weight of the blanket fell over my body and made me seep deeper into the mattress.Fawn was shaking in between us.
“She is scared of the fireworks,” Momma said.
“I know the loud noises scare her.Momma, it’s okay to cry.”
Momma’s short blonde hair was pulled up on top of her head, forming a messy knot.Her nose was red and blotchy, leaving raw skin under it.She must have been crying for a while.
“I miss him.He was everything to me, and now he is gone.I don’t know how to live without him.Why wasn’t I enough for him to stay?”she cried.
“I don’t know,” I said, curling my legs into her.I wish I had more answers for her, but I was lost.
Fireworks shot into the air and made loud explosions.We lay cuddled up together.Fawn’s tiny body tremored, my momma’s shoulders fell up and down as she cried, and I sobbed for the first time since the night James died.I despised seeing her that way.She didn’t deserve to be a widow.I didn’t think I had any more tears left, yet I turned into a sloppy, inconsistent waterfall.After draining all the water from my tear ducts, I stood up and said, “I bought some sparklers.Do you want to light them up in the backyard?”
“Not right now.I don’t want to get up.”
“Please, Momma.”
Momma dreaded getting out of her safe chamber.Yet she gradually moved her legs to the side of the bed and rose, for me.I let Fawn run around freely.Instead of frolicking, she put her tail between her legs and hobbled beside me.I opened the pack of sparklers, grabbed some matches from the kitchen, and went to our carport.
My momma crossed her arms while I messed with the matches.I hit the side of the box a couple of times to get the match lit.When it finally lit, an innocent streak of orange with an outline of blue appeared.Flames were dangerous when they got big enough.I could still see the cabin engulfed in flames as it crumbled to ashes, except the match I held in my hand was nothing like that.I placed the match at the end of the sparkler, and it started to simmer.Tiny sparks flew in every direction, beguiling me.I handed my momma one and lit another.Momma moved the sparkler around in weak tiny circles.
“Watch this,” I said, strutting around and shaking the sparkler to form the letters J-A-M-E-S in the air.My stepdad’s name shimmered and disappeared into the darkness.
Momma excitedly put her hands over her mouth in amazement.She tried to speak, but she choked back tears.She followed my lead, raised her sparkler, and wrote in the air I M-I-S-S Y-O-U.
We wrote to James in the air all the things we couldn’t say out loud.Momma and I even wrote how angry we were that he left us the way he did.We drew hearts, the names of his favorite songs, memories we had with him, and scribbles of pain we held deep inside our chests.We went through every sparkler in the pack, and I finally felt like we would be okay.We would survive together one word at a time.
