Zach partly stood, adding, “He was great at guiding me as I got older.”I was shocked by Zach’s comment.Even though Zach was a part of our friend group, he wasn’t as around as my other friends.He stayed with his cousins most summers, and that summer he went to camp.It was interesting to think about all the different things James did that I wasn’t aware of.I was honored to have such caring summer friends.We might not have seen each other during the school year.However, they knew me better than most people did.
“Does anyone else want to share something before the service ends?”Gabriel asked.
“Actually, I do,” Jesse hollered.
“Of course.Go right ahead.This is an open space,” Gabriel said, tapping his Oxfords on the floor.
“I didn’t know this Jake you are talking about.I know his daughter, though.I don’t know where she is.Penny!Where are you?”he said, looking through all the pews.“Anyway, his daughter is this awesome young girl, and it’s so awful that Jake committed suicide.Don’t you say that people who do that go to hell?”
Betsy gasped with horror.I felt like I was hyperventilating.My momma sobbed harder.I couldn’t catch my breath because it was running away from me.How could Jesse announce to the entire town that James committed suicide?They didn’t need to know that James left us on purpose.When people knew, they looked at us with depressing and pitiful eyes.Jesse dragged me onto a stage I didn’t want to be on and put me in the spotlight.
“Well, biblically speaking, in most cases, people who commit suicide do not go to heaven because they are going against God’s plan.I would happily answer any questions you may have after the service,” Gabriel said.
That was proof that James would not go to heaven.Proof that James’s demons had won. If there were a God who didn’t love James for who he was, then I would rather go to hell than have a relationship with him.Jesse, on the other hand, was barbaric.I couldn’t believe he would do that to me.He could write a beautiful song about struggling yet see it as a joke.I wanted to hit him, tear up his albums, or run out of the church.What was wrong with people?
Once the service was over, Gabriel pulled the curtain away from us.My friends greeted me by giving me gentle pats on the back, asking if I needed anything, and waiting for me to break down.
I stood tall, going through the motions.
Quiet voices confabulated, “Suicide?Is that how he died?”
Jesse lay passed out on one of the pews, snoring.His feet hung off the edge, and drool dribbled down his chin onto his expensive attire.
Keith tried kicking Jesse awake, but Jesse did not open his eyelids.He made a loud, snoring growl, falling into his slumber deeper.
Tonya and Mason were eating chocolate chip cookies from the table.
“There you are.We are so sorry for your loss.Jesse, you know how he gets...Darren invited us, and I wanted to let you know that if you need anything, you are welcome to reach out,” Tonya said as she clutched my body.It was nice to hear another woman’s voice since men dominated most of the conversations that day.
I didn’t know how Jesse got.I wanted to believe he was a good person because he was a good artist.Yet his impromptu speech was repulsive.
“We mean it, kid.You helped us out, and we owe you.Call us anytime,” Mason said, handing me a ripped page of Jesse’s book with a number on it in Tonya’s handwriting.
“Sure.Thanks,” I said as I pushed past them, unwilling to talk to them any longer.
Darren met me outside.Before I could say anything, he kissed me.
I slipped into our rhythm and let the kiss go on a little too long.“I don’t think I can cry anymore.I must be really messed up.Tomorrow, we leave back to Butterfield, and there is no reason you should put your life on hold for me,” I admitted.
“Penny, you know that isn’t true.After everything my dad has pulled, I know I can’t stay here much longer.I promise I am going to be with you.We need each other.”
I pushed him away from me with all the strength I had left in my body.“No, Darren.I am going to go home, and things will be different now.You can’t be my boyfriend.It couldn’t work.”
His eyes glistened.“Please don’t shut down.It’s okay to be broken.You just lost someone close to you.We will make this work.”
“I said no.You are just like your dad.You think you are helping, but you aren’t!”I screamed, knowing that it would make him leave me alone.
Darren’s dark hair swooped as he turned around, heading back into his father’s church, arms raised in defense.He said, “You are angry now, and I, of all people, get that, but it doesn’t mean you need to lash out.I will give you time.Send me a letter when you get back home.”
****
Betsy’s parents offeredto let us stay in their guest bedroom for the night.I didn’t want to be at Darren’s after the funeral.Seeing him would make me regret my decisions, and I couldn’t change my mind before I left.Plus, they owned my dream house.It was made in the 1800s and had gorgeous bay windows, a wrap-around porch, floral wallpaper, and a spiral staircase.Momma went to bed with Fawn early while Betsy and I sat in their attic.Betsy and I used to go up there to play with our dolls and stuffed animals.
“How are you feeling?”Betsy asked while staring into my soul.
“As good as I can be.”
“I’m sorry.I don’t know what to say to make it better.I will miss him a lot too.I couldn’t imagine losing my dad, or anyone for that matter.I had to flush a goldfish once.What does it feel like?”
