I felt the strain in his body, heard his measured breathing, and I trusted his control more than I had trusted anything in my life. Right now, however, I also wished that his self-control wasn’t as strong.
Because Timur had become my temptation too.
I tangled my fingers into his hair and rested my forehead against his.
“What’s holding you back, Timur? Why don’t you let go and just be with me? What are you afraid of?”
“Gods, so many things,” he groaned. “I’m afraid of hurting you. I’m afraid of getting lost in you… It’s the strongest fear, the kind of which I’d never felt before, not even when standing at the gates to the afterlife with poison in my veins and no control over my limbs.”
“I couldn’t possibly bethatscary.” I ventured a smile, twining my arms around his neck.
Lowering my head, I trailed soft kisses down the side of his face. We’d been nearly separated today. I shuddered to think where I’d be now had he not come to the beach just in time, or had his wings not appeared when they did, or had Piara recruited a greater number of thugs to overpower us.
The two of us being here tonight—alive, well, and together—felt like a gift, and I didn’t want anything to stand between us.
I ran a hand up his left arm in search of his tendril. I hoped I could coax it out again because I wanted him to feel my affection for him. It was all because of him anyway. My pleasure had always been the most intense when Timur was a part of it in some way.
He shifted his arm away from my prodding fingers, however. His lips brushed the shell of my ear apologetically.
“You will be the end of me…” he said with a strained breath.
“Me? How?”
He tensed, his hands on my hips, his knees on each side of my thighs, and his nose buried in my hair above my ear.
“You saw what happened to Ray,” he finally said in a hollow voice.
“Ray? What does he have to do with anything?” I pushed away from him to see his face. “Is that what you think will happen to you? Because of me?”
My heart dropped at the memory of the scene in Ray’s bedroom. I couldn’t help the humans in his possession, not now at least. But the only reason I was currently in a better positionthan them was because Timur happened to be a better man than Ray.
Was that true, though? Would my emotions change Timur the way Ray had changed? Was that what human pleasure did to shadow fae?
As far as I remembered, none of Prince Rha’s courtiers back in Teneris acted like Ray. Of course, none had been permanently attached to a human like Ray seemed to be. And unlike Ray, they didn’t receive any sexual pleasure from us back in Teneris.
Prince Rha had spent weeks with Dawn. The two had shared emotions daily. He didn’t seem to be any worse off from that, but I hadn’t seen Prince Rha since our escape from Teneris. His condition could’ve deteriorated after we’d left. For all I knew, the prince could very well be a mess like Ray by now.
Maybe it happened because the shadow fae weren’t meant to have sex as often as humans did? So our sexual pleasure had such a devastating effect on them?
The thought that sharing emotions with me could reduce Timur to a shaking, mumbling creature like Ray gutted me.
“I guess I am scary after all,” I agreed with a sinking heart.
Timur cupped my face with his left hand, searching my eyes with concern. He didn’t need to taste my emotions to know how I felt.
“You are the most wonderful being I’ve ever met, sweetheart. Your emotions don’t scare me. I spent hours with full access to your innermost feelings today, and those were the most magical hours of my life.”
Wrapping his arms around my middle, he pressed his lips to the side of my neck. His chest heaved as he breathed me in. Not allowing his tendrils to emerge, he used all his other senses to feel me instead.
“I wish I could spend the rest of my life connected to you,” he said against my skin. “I would gladly die with you in myarms and with your happiness coursing through my veins for as long or as short as it lasted. I’d lose my mind and my life, and I wouldn’t regret any of that. But it’s not about me, Elaine. What would happen to you if I turned into a mindless idiot like Ray? What if I can’t fight them off when they come for you next time? Because they will come again, no matter how many I kill. The comfort of true pleasure is worth dying for, and someone will always try to steal you from me even if that means risking their lives. I need everything I have—all my strength and mental clarity to protect you. I can’t die until you’re ready to survive on your own. I can’t leave you unless I know your life is safe, your freedom is certain, and your future is secure. Can’t you see, my sweetest darling? You have become my life’s one true purpose. I live for you. And only you.”
He cupped my cheek gently, peering into my eyes so intently as if trying to read all my emotions in them. And I had so, so many emotions. My heart overflowed with tenderness, gratitude, yearning, and deep sadness that brought tears to my eyes.
“Just…keep on living, please?” I smiled to keep my tears at bay. “Please stay with me, because I don’t want to be without you ever again.”
I took his face between my hands and kissed him. He went completely still but only for a moment. Then his lips parted. His arms tightened around me. His hands palmed my backside, moving me closer.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he growled against my mouth, “how to keep resisting you. I’ve been through a mating fever. I’ve stood on the threshold of death. But I never knew true torture until I met you. The agony of seeing you, touching you, breathing you in, but constantly having to deny myself having you is the biggest torment of all.”
