ASH
And then there was one.
Again.
How do I always end up alone? I’m still sitting at this slot machine, throwing money away while all my friends have sex.
Well, Chad and John aren’t, but they’re still over at one of the craps tables flirting like they have been all weekend, and I’m not about to get in the middle of whatever’s going on there.
Kieran and Jace went back up to the suite not being subtle at all, so even if I wanted to call it a night and go in early, I’d probably be stuck hearing whatever the fuck they end up doing. They were talking about a flip fuck, and obviously I don’t have any experience there, but I would imagine it takes a while.
And Blake and Liam just left… again.
Not that I actually want to go back to the roomalready. I never go out, and I reallyneverget to go out outside of New York City, where I’m always paranoid I’ll run into one of my clients or someone who knows my parents, that someone will see me with a man and it’ll turn into a whole thing that spirals into me losing everything. Dramatic? Sure. Irrational? Probably. But I’m a lawyer. I know how easy it is for one mistake to become a life-altering moment.
So, I don’t make mistakes.
I follow the rules. I do everything exactly the way I’m expected to so nothing bad ever happens.
And nothing. Ever. Happens.
I’m sick of it. I used to think I could be happy following the path that’s been laid out for me my entire life: follow in my father’s footsteps, go to law school at the same Ivy League he did, work at his firm, eventually become a partner there. Marry a woman who is probably just as boring as my mother and have perfect little children to parade around at functions, an eldest son to pass on the family name. Not just our last name, my name. My father’s name. His father’s name, and so on.
I’m Ashton Aaron Aldridge the fourth. Why wouldn’t I want to pass on that mouthful of A names to my own kid one day?
Aperfectlife.
Then Blake invited me to that hockey game where he introduced us to Liam and came out as bi.
I had the night off work, and I was excited to hang out with people who weren’t on my father’s payroll. Blake and Chad have always been so much more fun to bearound than most of the people in the wealthy circles we all grew up in. I’ve always envied the way they seemed so free, as though they were immune to the pressures of that society, which have felt so suffocating to me for my entire life.
I’ve always known that I was attracted to other men, but the toxic masculinity that surrounded me in school and in locker rooms, combined with the strictly religious teachings of my parents, had convinced me that no one else could ever find out.
And as far as I was concerned, that was fine, there was no need for anyone else to know. I’m bi, I’m also attracted to women, so it didn’t even really matter. I would marry a woman like I was expected to. No problem.
But every year that passed where I didn’t tell anyone, where I hid that part of myself away, felt like a punishment. It became harder and harder to ignore my attraction, and the fantasies of finally acting on it, of being with another man, consumed my every waking thought.
When Blake walked in with his hot boyfriend and announced it to not only our friends but to the cameras, to the world, that he was bi, like it wasn’t even a big deal, it felt like a gut punch. Everything shifted even further when Chad fully and instantly supported him, threatening anyone who so much as looked at them the wrong way.
The carefully crafted image I’d been clinging to for years suddenly felt like a mask that no longer fit me. It pushed me to do the unimaginable. I told Liam. And then Blake and Chad later that same night.
And nothing bad happened. Life went on.
Except the veil had been lifted, and I could no longer pretend that I was happy.
Flying to Seattle over the summer and finally having sex with a man wassobittersweet. It was everything I’d hoped it would be, but that also made it that much harder to return to the monotony of my day-to-day life. If only I could do that every weekend. Or in New York.
Little steps. That’s what Liam had said earlier, right?
I should focus on the small steps I have taken rather than worry about changing everything all at once.
“Another drink, sir?” the waitress asks as she walks around. I order a shot and thank her, laughing to myself as she walks away because I’m definitely not a “sir.”
I let out a sigh as I lose for probably the hundredth time on this slot machine. This isn’t exactly what I’d like to be doing with my night. I should be out in Vegas, taking more of those small steps. But I have no idea what to do, where to start. That trip I took was after months of planning and research. Coming out to Liam was probably the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done—and also one of the best.
There’s got to be something else I can do spontaneously. Something I can do that feels like a step in the right direction, even if I don’t have it meticulously planned. Whatever it is, I won’t find it sitting at this slot machine.
The waitress returns with my shot, and I give her a big tip before I throw it back and stand to leave. I almost text the group that I’m leaving, but give up on the ideaquickly. It’s not like any of my friends will even notice I’m gone when they’re all busy getting off.
