I never got to tell Nasrin that my mother told me not to tell the truth. But even now, I knew that was a stupid excuse.
I could have told the truth at any time in those thirteen years Milo spent in prison. Or at any time in the twelve years since he’d been released.
I could have saved my sister from years of heartache.
Nasrin was right. I should be at home comforting my daughter. I didn’t want to believe her, because if it was true, that was karma coming to bite me on the ass.
I called room service again. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind, could you send up a bottle of Absolut.’
73
The same room service guy delivered the Absolut with a bucket of ice. As soon as he left, I unscrewed the lid and sloshed it into the glass, adding a handful of ice cubes. As I lifted the glass to my lips, my phone flashed with an incoming call. Lucy.
‘Hello.’ My voice was hoarse from crying.
‘Where are you?’
‘I’m at Nasrin’s house –’
‘Dad told me you’re separating.’
‘Did he?’
‘Yes. Why, Mum? Is it because of me?’
I let the silence grow. I felt mean, and angry.
‘Mum, I didn’t mean to drag up the past for you. If I’d known –’
‘Really? What would you have done if you’d known? I don’t believe you, Lucy.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I think you made it up. I think Simon Perry rejected you and you made up the whole rape accusation.’
I knew this would wound her, but I wanted to hurt her. The badness within me was taking over.
My head jerked back as I heard her phone drop on to a hard surface. I guessed she was in the kitchen. I heard her wailing. I heard Jack in the distance, ‘Lucy, what’s wrong, what did she say?’
I didn’t need to hear any more. I hung up. Almost immediately, my phone flashed again with an incoming call. Jack. I ignored it asit flashed three more times. Then it stopped. I took a swig of the vodka. And then another. I was an alcoholic. Why not give in to it? A voicemail alert came in from Jack.
I don’t know who you are, Ruby. You didn’t need to tell her you didn’t believe her. Why would you deliberately hurt her like that? We’ve had some great years, but I don’t understand why you are such a shit mother. You loved her when she was a baby, when she was a toddler, but something changed. Every time I tried to talk to you about your relationship with Lu, you deflected or changed the subject. She could feel it too, you know, and that made it worse. You’ve been pushing her to move out since the day she left school, in the middle of a housing crisis. I want her here.And tonight was the icing on the cake. I’m calling Pete in the morning about a divorce. Get your own lawyer.
His voice was full of hatred and anger. My ice was melting in my drink as I took another large mouthful. I felt the welcome surge of warmth as it immediately hit all the dopamine triggers on the way down.
I had read all the books on addiction. I knew exactly why I was an addict. I had all the excuses too, ready to roll out. It was only a matter of time before everything came flooding out, a tsunami of truth that would wash me off the face of the earth and take all the people I cared about with me.
I went to the bathroom, emptied the glass into the toilet and did the same with the vodka bottle. I had one week left until Nasrin was going to blow the whistle. I needed to get my affairs in order. And to do that, I needed my head straight. I had to start over. I plugged my phone in and began looking at flights to Perth, Australia.
Part Five
74
Erin
By 2025, Nick was living independently in a studio downtown. He’d had one episode the previous year when he had decided the meds were slowing him down and stopped taking them. He’d come to our house and threatened to burn it down. Out of desperation, I allowed Vince to call Milo while I checked into a hotel. Inevitably, Milo had come to the rescue and, soon enough, Nick was back on the straight and narrow. I knew Vince liked and trusted Milo, and it felt like a betrayal.
My abduction hadn’t really made the news. I was only missing for just under two hours, though it had seemed to me like days of sheer terror. Nobody connected it with Milo and I couldn’t tell Nick the part that his mentor had played in my kidnapping. I didn’t tell Mom, she would only get upset. And, really, what would have been the point in telling Ruby? She’d made it clear by her silence and absence that she wanted nothing to do with me.
