‘The first time, when Lucy came home hysterical and you just vanished that night, I believed you because I wanted to, but that was a lie too. I see that now. I could have forgiven that, but yesterday, you planned it. You lied about going to the theatre, you even mentioned the Trocadero so that I wouldn’t expect you home until late. Things got out of control, as you should have known they would. You threw away your sobriety rather than discussing your own experience with your daughter who badly needs your help.’
‘Stop, please, I can’t. You don’t understand –’
‘Well, help me, then. We can all go to therapy together as a family. If you don’t, we are finished. I can’t believe you won’t help your daughter –’
‘Help me with what?’ We spun around and Lucy was standing in the doorway of our kitchen.
‘Lucy, come and sit at the table.’ Jack sat and held a chair out for her and then one for me.
‘Please, Jack, don’t do this.’ I started to cry.
‘Your mother has something to tell you,’ he said.
69
‘Mum, why are you crying? Are you guys divorcing?’
‘Your mother has something to tell you,’ Jack repeated.
‘Jack, no.’
‘You tell her, or I do.’
‘What did you do, Mum?’
‘Your mother is a rape victim too.’
I disassociated myself from my body. I saw sixteen-year-old me clamping my legs around Milo’s hips. I saw the confusion and then the horror on his face when he realized what I was doing. The way he turned his face away when I tried to kiss him on the mouth.
‘Mum, why didn’t you ever tell me?’
Jack answered for me. ‘Your mum didn’t want you to ever see her as a victim and it’s still traumatizing for her.’
‘Is that why you disappeared that night?’
It was. I was crying harder now, crying at the lies I didn’t want to repeat again.
‘And is that why you didn’t come home last night? Oh, Mum.’
She was alarmed and put her hand on my arm. It was the first time she had touched me in a long while. It was not comforting. I moved my arm away.
‘I’m so sorry, Mum, when did this happen?’
‘In Boston, when she was young. He was arrested, there was a trial, he spent thirteen years in prison. He denied it all the way. Stupid asshole,’ said Jack.
‘He wasn’t stupid,’ I said, ‘he was going to be a doctor.’
Jack looked at me strangely. I shouldn’t have defended Milo.
Lucy, undeterred, put her arms around me. ‘What happened?’
I stiffened. I had for so long wanted to feel her touch, but not for lies. ‘I don’t want to talk about it. Your fatherknowsI didn’t want to talk about it.’
She stood up and went to the window. Jack went to put the kettle on. She turned to face me slowly. ‘Mum, is your rapist my real dad?’
I was shocked. I couldn’t say anything for a moment. Jack looked at me and then to Lucy. ‘No, honey, of course not. She was sixteen,’ he said.
I had always been truthful with Lucy. I had told her that she had been the result of a one-night stand. When she was old enough, I told her, ‘I honestly don’t know who your father is. I feel shame for that.’ Jack and I got together when Lucy was three, though he had been in her life from the day she was born. She knew that.
