My obstetrician was pleased with how my pregnancy was progressing. Mom had already offered childcare so that I could go back to college and finish my degree in September. I think she had a chip on her shoulder about not having a college education and was determined that I would finish mine. And despite her fears, being an unmarried mother in the 2000s was not as shameful as it was in her day. Ireland certainly wasn’t as restrictive as it had been when she grew up. Contraception had been illegal back then and so had divorce and homosexuality. Abortion was still illegal, but you could go to England and get one there. I couldn’t understand how Mom had grown up in such a backwards society. Imagine being married to someone who was violent and having no control over how many children you had. I wouldn’t have stayed inthatIreland. No wonder she got out as soon as she could.
Staying sober was still a challenge. The day after I saw Erin off, I finally plucked up the courage to ask Nasrin Sutton to be my sponsor. She had been sober three years, and she was eight years older than me. She was a haematologist. I admired her style of sobriety. Like a lot of people, I struggled with the Twelve Steps of AA. Even the serenity prayer bothered me a little – why couldn’t we change the things we couldn’t accept instead of ‘accept the things I cannot change’? Nasrin laughed. ‘Yeah, well I see your point there – I’m saving up for a nose job; I’m not accepting living with this conk.’ She wasn’t a churchgoer,but she had a strong belief in the Higher Power – though she warned me against using it as a crutch. I had to be responsible for myself and my own actions. She was warm and friendly, and although sometimes when I called she was busy, she always called me back. Indeed, like Uncle Dennis had said, everything was better without alcohol, certainly clearer, though my lies cast a long shadow. Honesty wasn’t possible in my case. I knew by now that even if I did come clean about what had happened back in 1999, more lives would be destroyed, mine most of all.
Jack appeared occasionally at different meetings. Gradually, he could see I was sincere about staying sober. When it came time for him to share at a meeting we both attended, he talked obliquely about being taken advantage of as a child actor. Afterwards, I approached him.
‘You’re an actor?’
‘How long have you been in Ireland?’
‘Six years.’
‘Yeah, I’d been written out by then, but I was in a long-running TV drama series shot in London when I was a youngster. I’m Jack Brady.’
The name meant nothing to me except that it was the same name as Tom Brady, the most famous quarterback in the world. Jack had never heard of him. ‘Quarterbacks only exist in America, so he’s hardly world famous.’ He was putting me in my place.
‘And are you still acting?’
‘No. That lifestyle doesn’t exactly lend itself to sobriety.’
‘You know I’m a drama student, right?’
‘Well, I know you’re a drama queen.’ He saw the hurt in my face. ‘Sorry, I mean youwerea drama queen, back in Longhurst, before you got kicked out.’
‘You’re the one who got me kicked out.’
‘I think I did you a favour.’
‘I think you probably did.’
The conversation was becoming a little intense. He took a step back. ‘When are you due?’
‘Just a few weeks to go.’
‘Is Daddy sober?’
It took me a few seconds to decide how to respond.
‘None of your business.’
‘Good answer.’
‘Yeah, well, I needed somebody to get sober for.’
His brow furrowed. ‘Well, that’s a shitty reason to have a kid.’
I was startled. The conversation had started okay, then turned a bit awkward, and now it was horrible.
‘You asshole. That’s notwhyI got pregnant.’
‘Sure,’ he said, then turned on his heel and left.
Was I using my child to stay sober? No. By now I really wanted someone to love.
27
Erin
It was a while since I’d visited Ireland. Instead of going to visit Saima on Long Island for the weekend, I went to visit Mom and Ruby. The guilt got to me. Dad had told me the father of Ruby’s baby was unknown.
