I remembered my conversation with Mark at Udo and Martha’s party. ‘My fear of sex and relationships. That might come from witnessing things. I’ve found Google helpful, Tina, and I know you won’t approve, but I don’t think I’m socially deficient. Emotionally, I’m a child. Who says what they think all the time? Children. Who doesn’t consider sex or relationships at all? Children.’
‘Sally, it’s never a good idea to self-diagnose, but there may be something in what you are saying. Though you are certainly not socially deficient or childlike.’
I told her about the party and my conversation with Mark.
She was quiet for a moment. ‘This Mark, he knows your history, yes?’
‘As much as everyone with Google does.’
‘Do you think he might have been sounding you out because he was interested in you – romantically, I mean?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m damaged.’
‘That’s not obvious at all, Sally. If I saw you in a bar or at a party, I would think you were a handsome woman. And since you started doing yoga, there is a lightness to your movements.’
‘I’m more aware of my core, I’ve been working on that.’
‘You have a lovely face. You look years younger than you are. Not a single grey hair. No wrinkles.’
I winced. ‘Yes, like a child.’
‘No, like a good-looking adult.’
‘But I told him I didn’t ever want to have sex, in front of the whole room. And I think people were shocked.’
She paused and asked me to breathe deeply for a minute.
‘You seem to be comfortable with your asexuality. Do you now think that’s something to be ashamed of?’
I hadn’t thought of that. Asexual.
‘But, Tina, I did imagine having sex with Harrison Ford, quite a lot.’
She smiled. ‘I think we’ve all done that. Sally, I’m not a sex therapist but –’
‘That’s okay. I don’t need sex or want it or miss it. I don’t even masturbate. I think you’re right. I’m asexual. That’s a relief.’
‘Why do you feel relieved?’
‘I like labels. Socially deficient. Asexual.’
‘You are not deficient. But maybe don’t talk about your sexuality with people you don’t know well. It’s a personal thing.’
‘Do you have a lot of sex?’ I was curious.
‘I’m not answering that. It’s personal and private.’
‘Okay, I get it.’
After that, we did some touch therapy. I allowed Tina to brush out my hair. It was surprisingly relaxing. She was shocked that I had never been to a hair salon. I always cut my own hair and tied it up in a bun. It was easier that way. Then she massaged my shoulders for a little while. I didn’t see the point of that.
As I was leaving, she reminded me again about the breathing exercises, and managing my anger. ‘Easier said than done,’ I said.
‘Don’t break things. Don’t strike out at anyone, unless you’re in danger from them. Just breathe through it. Play your piano.’
