Xander reached over and took my hand. He linked me, “We can send some people out. I feel your anxiety, Mel.” I shook my head. Dad asked, “Ladybug, what did you want to discuss?” I frowned reasoning, “I mean… you guys have stuff you want to discuss too.”
Mom threw out, “This is your show, Ladybug.” I groaned, “That’s really annoying.” I clapped a hand over my mouth. Haley urged, “No, don’t shut down. Tell them what is annoying.” Freya encouraged me, “Do it.” It still felt hypocritical.
I went with their advice saying, “You guys don’t really tell me your feelings anymore. We have all these group conversations about things…. involving me… in which you are clearly frustrated. You make a few comments…. then let it go.”
“That can’t be your only feelings about it. You keep saying it’s about my feelings…. But it’s not. You guys have feelings too… and you just shut them down because you feel guilty. Then we make process… and I backtrack it… that has to be frustrating.” Dad opened his mouth and shut it several times.
I looked at Grandpa Ben saying, “You have to have something to say to me. I avoided you…. and didn’t mention when we saw each other because…. I didn’t want to talk about the Resistance. It had to hurt your feelings… I know it did. You’re the only one who has really shown annoyance at this situation. It’s bothering you.”
Grandpa Ben sat forward admitting, “Of course it bothers me, you’re my grandpup. Those bastards had you believing fallacies about our family. You believed I disowned you, and that cuts me deeply. I know it hurts you too.”
“I know you had letters you believed were from me, and I can only imagine what they said. I hate that I was used as a toolto hurt you. I hate that you believed for one second there was anything that could make me not love you.”
“I hate that you were alone and felt abandoned. I hate that you let people hurt you because of it. You were hurting, but Nick and I were right there. You saved us, and we asked you what was going on. You didn’t yell at us or even talk to us.”
“It still flabbergasted to me to this day that of all my grandpups, you wouldn’t talk to me. I hate that I was too weak to keep you there with me. Then you got hurt again, and don’t tell me you didn’t walk into that. I know you did.”
I acknowledged, “I did.” Xander growled but Haley shot him a warning glance. I said, “Not because of what you think I did it for though. Edward threatened to… slit a pup’s throat if I didn’t comply. Which was…. out of character for him. I never refused to comply when they told me to go to the punishing field. I thought I deserved it.”
Grandpa Ben growled, “That would never be true. No matter what, Melanie Jane, you should know you never deserved that. I don’t want you to think that for a single second. My heart stopped when Nick lifted your mask off.”
“The thought of you in the kind of danger I know the Resistance gets into, it staggered me knowing you were in it. I’m so proud of you and what you accomplished but it stopped my heart more than a few times. The first time you fired shots, my panic didn’t make sense to me.”
“Now I know it was because Forrest and I instinctually realized that it was our grandpup. You were in danger and somehow, I knew it. On some level, and I think the compulsion stopped me from saying it. I don’t know, but I know that I knew on some level.”
I nodded, because I could understand that. Grandpa Ben continued, “We missed you every second we were gone. I commented more than once that you not coming home was outof character. Then that damn compulsion made me feel guilty. I thought you were spreading your wings. I thought you were safe and it guts me that nothing could be further from the truth.”
Tristan jumped in, “I’m annoyed at how you treated Peter, Dalton, Dakota, and Jase. I understand what you thought, but it does irritate me that you thought those things about them. I hate that the Ring used them against you.”
He paused, then admitted, “I feel like a failure to you, Jase, and the pack. Jase begged me a few times after his nightmares to look into the Hunter group he was with. I did but I never found that Ashley Griffen or any Werewolf name I recognized was with them.”
“I told our brother more than once that they were just nightmares. In reality, they were real. Jase told me you didn’t even scream that day, Ladybug. He saw them whip you and you didn’t make a sound. It’s part of what his story unbelievable.”
“Because I know that means they hurt you a lot. You’re so stubborn you refused to give them the satisfaction of your screams. Even though you took their abuse because you thought you deserved it. If anything happens to me and you think it’s your fault; you’re wrong.”
“If you think I would, for even one second, want you to be in pain you’re mistaken. I’m insanely proud of what you’ve done with the Resistance. I also hate it and want you out. I’m not alone in knowing how dangerous being in the Resistance is, let alone running it.”
“I don’t like that people want to come at my baby sister. Nor do I like knowing what would happen if they caught you. I understand making progress as a family for you to cut it back. You think you’re too different to move forward, but you’re not. I hate that you were in the Undergrounds, and I hate that you let people hurt you there.”
I was wondering when someone was going to say something about the Undergrounds. Tristan said, “You know better than to think we weren’t going to bring it up eventually, Ladybug.” I linked Freya, “There has to be some goddess way… to have internal thoughts.” Freya chuckled, “You’re fine.” No… I was not.
Tristan continued, “You never should have let someone beat you up. Dax gave me the records that Edward kept on your fights.” Oh, crap on a cracker. I could actually feel myself visibly pale. I linked Sierra, “You tell your brother he’s in big trouble.”
Sierra answered, “Umm ok. Why?” I answered, “There is NO REASON… to give my brother the file on my Underground fights that Edward kept.” Sierra gasped, “Dax did not do that.” I replied, “He did… apparently.”
Tristan asked, “Do you know how big the file is?” I looked away before answering, “I imagine it’s quite thick. Though… it would be the only time anything was documented meticulously… in that pack… the jerk… they clearly knew how to do it. Given I started fighting when I was fourteen if it’s accurate…. it’s a long read.”
Tristan said, “It is an in depth read. I also know you could’ve taken every single one of the people you fought without sustaining the damage I’ve read about.” I whispered, “Well… yes, I could’ve.” Tristan stood, “There were a few times you almost died. Those injuries you took without your wolf, could’ve killed you.” He wasn’t wrong. I didn’t say anything because Tristan wasn’t going to like my response.
My brother asked, “Why, Ladybug? There were fights where you seemed to limit the hits you took. Then in some fights it was like you wanted to die.” I pursed my lips. Well… this was going with the old adage of be careful what you ask for, I guess.
I told him, “So… in some of those fights… I did want to die. I wanted to be with you, mom, and dad. I’m sure the fight…. you’re probably referring to…. though there could be several…but likely it was a few weeks after I didn’t get a wolf. I thought Jase and I had a conversation we didn’t have.”
I paused then admitted, “I also thought I had one with Alpha Peter…. and Everly too. When I say my friends saved me from a dark place…. I mean it. I drank a lot after being told dad… wasn’t my biological dad…. and that it was my fault you were killed because my biological dad was coming for me.”
“It didn’t make sense… because I wasn’t with him… but that… combined with thinking Xander promised to reject me, was destroying me. What Trevor did to me… in the days following… it just felt like I was shattered into nothing.”
“Then I was told… I’d never meet Kai. Paige called Charles and told him he needed to come. I didn’t know that… at the time. I pulled back from all of them… and locked them out of my place in Nashville. None of them could get to me. Paige used the system… and accessed Charles’s number. Since he was one of the only people who could’ve gotten into my place.”
