“You’re my heart and my soul, my home. I love you, Neirin. In all your forms, even in this one.”
His body relaxed, and the mottling of fur withdrew. He lowered his snout to my neck with hesitant uncertainty and breathed in my scent. I held him and ran my fingers through his hair, stroking along one of his shifted ears, which was so incredibly soft to the touch.I comforted him with gentle words, and when he wrapped my waist and pulled me closer, breathing a sigh, the sting of threatening tears returned.
His body trembled, and he buried his face against me. The tip of his nose on my jawline felt familiar again, pointed and smooth. “I killed my brother.” He swallowed. “The monster, the fox, he killed Thatcher.”
It was what he’d feared to tell me before.
“Neirin, listen to me.” I pulled back and held his gaze. “We all have monsters within us, the memories of unspeakable thingswe have done. But we cannot let these things control us forever. I am not afraid of your monsters. I know it was not done in malice. Your fox is good, I see it in his eyes. In your eyes.”
Neirin let his forehead fall to mine. At the back wall, Seros rasped, then coughed, and Calix returned to his quiet speaking.
My thoughts returned to Ruairc. He’d died to protect me, and in that sense, his death was on my hands. But he would not want me to linger on that. He would want me to embrace the broken parts of myself and move forward. And that was what Neirin and I would do together. “If you are broken,” I told him, “then I will be the piece that makes you whole. Together—” I took his hands in mine. “Together, we will put an end to what is happening here, and then together we will heal from our wounds. It is our brokenness that made us who we are, that formed us, and it will make us stronger too.”
When Neirin spoke, his voice was low, heavy with the weight of my words, or perhaps the weight of what lay before us. “We will ask Nyana to have one of her girls set morning tea for Harlan in the gardens. I will confront him, make him see the truth for what it is, and hope that he holds some faith in me yet. He will be able to retrieve Astraea’s key to free the boy from his chains. No more hiding. No more running or working in the shadows.”
I nodded against his forehead and squeezed his hands to show my support.
“Calix,” he said, “stay with your friend. Help him recover his strength. Evera and I will return with the key.”
A blanket of what-ifs hung over us, but none of us addressed it. It was time to face things head-on and let fate guide us—or destroy us—together.
58
NEIRIN
Tall hedges createdpathways within the garden. I imagined from the upper balconies of the castle that the maze would be stunning, but I’d never seen it from that perspective. It was the same garden Thatcher and I had played in as boys, though we were not supposed to. It was from one of such balconies that Astraea had witnessed what happened that fateful day; the day she came to me, knelt calmly before my fox, and spoke gently to him until he shifted back, giving me control again. Then she’d comforted me, young and impressionable as I was. She’d told me it wasn’t my fault but my fox’s, my monster’s, as I stared over her shoulder at my brother, his neck bent at an unnatural angle and crimson staining the ground.
All the things she’d told me, all the things I believed for so long.
“Be stronger than the monster, fight him down. These lessons are for your own benefit. Don’t be ungrateful. Thank me. Plead for forgiveness for your belligerence and listen, learn. Push down the monster. He is a killer. He will kill everyone you love. No one must know about this. No one must know what happened to the boy. If you tell Nyana, she willdespise you. I will protect your secret. And you will protect mine.”
I’d been such a fool. But now my eyes were open. Nyana may despise me for what happened to her son at my fox’s jaws, but it was as Evera had said—no more running. I would take responsibility for my actions and set things right. End Astraea’s lessons, end her commanding hand. No one else would get hurt because of her.
The trickle of the fountain caught my attention, and I slowed my steps, swallowing when I saw the stone centerpiece. It looked exactly as it had all those years before. The bench, however, had been replaced. Now there was a table and two chairs, one on each side. Steam rose from the spout of a brass teapot, and an assortment of small cakes, nuts, and fruits was arranged on a plate beside it. The prince—the King—added a cube of sugar to his cup and stirred it with a silver spoon, still unaware of me.
I cleared my throat, and he looked up, lips parted slightly as if he were sucking in a breath, as his eyes widened.
“Neirin.” My name came out of him like an accusation. He stood, knocking over his chair. His eyes darted to two soldiers stationed opposite the fountain. They turned, hands going to their swords.
“Brother, wait,” I pleaded, holding out my hands. “I’ve come home to explain.”
“Mother hasexplained.Did you not receive my letter?” Though he was only a head taller than Calix, still a boy and twiggy at that, his voice had changed. As had the way he held himself. He was a King now. He’d grown up. Wasn’t that what I’d wanted for him—to grow up? But I hadn’t wanted it to happen like this. Not because he was forced into the position so soon. He was too young for the weight of rulership. A knot formed in my throat as I grieved for the Harlan that had only just over a moonago sat atop a counter in the kitchens, eating berries and asking to be told stories of thieves and adventures.
“Your mother lied to you, Harlan.” As soon as I spoke the words, I knew they were the wrong ones. Too forceful, too sudden. The soldiers grasped my arms, and I let them. “Please.” I softened my tone. “Just let me speak.”
“There’s another.” A third man spoke from behind me, and my blood chilled.
“Let me go, you brute,” Evera hissed as she was dragged to my side.
I shot her a look filled with all my fear and frustration. I’d told her to stay with Nyana. But of course she hadn’t.
“Who is this?” Harlan asked, authority in his voice.
“My mate,” I answered, holding Evera’s gaze. “My heart.”
Harlan approached, stopping before her. “Mother told me about your kind, Neirin. She won’t be pleased you’ve replaced her in your heart so quickly.” A bitterness trailed off at the end of his statement, as if he were still displeased with the concept of his mother and I paired in any way.
“If Astraea told you about my kind, you would know my heart can only ever belong to my mate; my true mate. I’ve never held any affection for the Queen.”
