I’m only getting started.
“The real difference between you and me,” I continue, “is that no one cares about me, Sage Kovan. Because thedifferenceis that you have the ability to control your life and the world around you.
“You think that I’m frivolous, don’t you? Flighty, unserious. Everyone does. Butyouhave never had to learn how to be funny as a reflex, how to make yourself more palatable, so people would like you despite the problems you bring. Because if they don’t like you, they won’t be invested in you, butyou, you are a sage, and you have never had to care about that.
“You have never had to learn how to remake your entire life because how it works depends on someone else. You have never had to look out for yourself because no one else will. You have never had to worry that you had nothing to offer the world—your question is a matter ofhow.
“So if I seem... if I seemblithe, Sage Kovan, it is because every day Ichooseto try to be happy, because no one else is in my corner to do it for me. Ichooseto believe that I, and my happiness, matter even when no one else thinks so.
“And I think it is past time you learn how to choose, too, and not make other people bear the consequences for your existence. I thought that was what you wanted. If it isn’t—I think you should go back down the mountain, too.”
Tears spill out of my eyes despite my best efforts to hold them back. I hate being an angry crier.
I hate how shaky I feel just speaking my truth. How vulnerable to let myself justbein front of a man whodoesn’t likethe idea of sacrificing a dragon but that’s as far as his action will go.
I think I especially hate that I thought maybe this was a person who could actually see me and care about me—hedidn’tthink Ilacked determination, he covered me with blankets—but at the first sign of adversity there’s no substance to him.
To thesage of resolve.
And if not him, then... maybe there’s no one.
Okay, yes, this is big adversity. Still.
I guess it’s better that I learn this now, before I get in any deeper.
Stupid, Tasa, always jumping first—
“You should worry far less than me about having anything to offer,” the sage finally says.
For the love of the gods—shit, maybe not love, given who he represents—how isthatthe point he took from this?!
“You,” Kovan continues, “took pieces of this world no one else saw a use for and built a home.”
I wipe my tears in frustration. “Yeah, and it’s crooked—”
“It’sart, Tasa.”
“How does that matter, Kov—SageKovan? People don’t choose houses for character, they want to keep the snow out! And I want tolive.”
Kovan nods slowly. “Yes. And you should. And your house is artandkeeps the snow out. Maybe people should be choosier about where they spend their lives.”
I’m not sure what conversation we’re having anymore.
“It’s easy for you to say that,” I whisper. “You, who’ve never had to choose. Now when you can, when you have to, it’s not so simple to be righteous, is it? You’re not going to choose the dragon over the priest. And that’s aterribledecision to have to make, I’m not saying I don’t understand. I do.
“Because no one chooses me.”
Not all of my teachers over the years, whose various “this just isn’t working out” speeches blend together in my mind.
Not my childhood friends, whose invitations gradually stopped coming the more I missed, and the more I broke.
Not my parents, who moved away as soon as I was old enough to start earning by myself, unable to stand a constantly broken home a second longer even if it meant staying with their child.
That’s why I’m alone on a mountain, after all.Hiding from my problems. More like accepting reality and trying to make the most of it.
A null won’t ever be anyone’s choice.
I almost miss it when Kovan finally says, “I would.”
