I lean back in my seat, my fingers playing along Evram’s wand, tingling with every touch as I rapidly, internally sort through the spells I could throw at Nathaniel at a moment’s notice without crashing. It really is better that someone else drive so I don’t have to worry about that.
So, how to reassure him? Nathaniel has no reason to understand that a magic duel holds no terrors for me—Evram deployed me as his champion for years, in duels no one thought I could win.
I didn’t understand for a long time that was less because of his belief in me and more because I was expendable.
“Grand Magus Evram,” I say, “was a person I trusted for years. He’s the one who saw what I was capable of, who trained me much longer and more thoroughly than he was supposed to, and who made me believe I could stay and have magic forever. And then he betrayed me, just because it was easier. Not even because he was threatened by my growth—I’d have crawled over broken glass for him and thanked him for the opportunity, and he knew it. He was supposed to be the one who would have my back, and he had thepowerto, but rather than looking for any way at all, he abandoned me like garbage. So yes, I experienced some feelings, but no, I will not have any hesitation when he comes for his wand. I know better than anyone what he’s capable of.”
Okay, so, that may have been more than I needed to say. With magic literally at my fingertips, this is all feeling a little close to the surface. Maybe Nathaniel has a point, and I need to process some emotions before Evram gets back.
I don’t have long.
I feel the weight of Nathaniel’s gaze on me, but when I look his expression is unreadable. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I know too well what that’s like.”
“Oh?”
He thinks for a minute how much to tell me. “I always thought everyone should have equal access to magic, and I faced censure for the apparent audacity of that belief from people I once called family. The consequences of that censure... you might say changed my life rather dramatically, to put it in the mildest possible of terms. I admit I had despaired of finding anyone else who felt that way, let alone a stranger.”
Everyone should have equal access to magic.I feel his offhand statement in my fucking bones.
It’s still only sort of an answer, if more of one than he owes me, even with my outburst of honesty. But with the memory of my confrontation with Evram just behind me, the memories my sister brought up, and how badly I have tried to findanyonein this world that seemed to care about this same thing, it’s enough to make me confess, “I wish I could tell you it’s only altruism on my part. But I never could let magic go, even though all the other wizards sent back from High Earth seem to be able to. It’s easy for me to risk everything and damn the consequences, because for me the chance of magic is more important than life without it. I always wondered, if the others really believed it was possible to have magic back, if they would fight for it. I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I did, having all the magic of a world at their fingertips and then having it ripped away.”
He is watching me silently, his eyes dark, and I have the sudden impression that he understands what it is to feel the magic of a world ripped from you.
I’m projecting. That’s not exactly a common experience.
I finish, holding his gaze, “But ultimately, I’m selfish. I won’t give magic up, and I will do whatever it takes to be able towork magic again onmyterms, not High Earth’s or the angels’ or anyone else’s. So if you want to pull over and get out, I understand. But I’m not stopping.”
Nathaniel studies me for a long moment, shadows stirring in his eyes as I feel an answering sizzle of magic in my heart, then nods sharply and turns his attention back to the road. “But you’re not bringing magic back only for yourself.”
“No,” I admit. “Because you’re right, everyone should have access to magic, and fuck them for putting us in this position.”
“Then you’re not truly selfish.”
My heart squeezes. A nice thought, and it matters to hear from him in a way I didn’t expect—becausehe’s also a stranger, maybe?—but he’s wrong. I’ve warned him, though, so let him believe that if he’ll keep his foot on the gas pedal.
A devastating smile curves Nathaniel’s mouth. “And if I pulled over, you’d just try to steal my car to get you the rest of the way to your fight, wouldn’t you?”
I bite my lip to keep from laughing. He’s onto me. “Absolutely.”
“In that case, I’m happy to accompany you the rest of the way.”
“And after that?” I ask, keeping my voice neutral even as nerves flood my chest. I focus on the grand magus’ wand in my hand.
I have a wand again. I can do this.
“What do you mean?”
“You say you think everyone should have access to magic. How far are you willing to go to make that happen?”
Nathaniel’s expression goes careful. “I respect what you say you’re trying to accomplish. But I don’t know you, and you don’t know me.”
“Exactly,” I say. “I don’t know what you’re risking if you help me, or if you don’t. So if you’re not willing to help me, I understand, but I want you to stay out of my way.”
“I already promised not to interfere.”
Why doesn’t that feel like enough anymore?
“And I’m making sure we both agree what that means. When we get to the grove, I’m going to need to need all my concentration for a spell. I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder, especially if Grand Magus Evram arrives with reinforcements.”
