But he was also here for me. And if he hadn’t been worried about me, he could have played that very differently. Oh, he still would have protected me, as the person who could defend this world’s magic and thus his spirits’ access to it, but I don’t think that was all.
If that was all, he wouldn’t have spent a whole train ride letting me cry on his shoulder.
We are very fast approaching the time when I’m going to have the space to process some emotions, and I know what I’m going to find there.
In this moment, Destien withdraws his people.
Koshiel turns once more to me and inclines her head with averyself-satisfied smile. As if to say,Look how generous I have been with you, and now you will be of use tome.
I smile widely, showing all my teeth, and incline my head graciously as I think,Just you wait, motherfucker.
The angel, too, withdraws, following Destien through the portal to High Earth.
The portal closes, and it’s just me and Brook standing in the cold dark waves.
By now, she has waded up behind me. “Hey,” my little sister says. “Are you okay?”
There will be time for revenge.
For now, for her and Nariel and all the wizards here, I have to build something out of the ashes in my heart.
I turn to my resilient little sister—and it’s on me that sheneededto be resilient—look her over quickly for injuries, and finding none, say, “I’m fine. Let’s get you out of here.”
Brook first.
Then the rest.
And there is so much of the rest.
Brook and I talk. Long explanations and stories from both of us. Her imprisonment in High Earth was about as painless as those things ever are, and although she’s not showing much strain, I know the emotional impact of the fear and helplessness will take longer to process. I’ll help however I can.
When I was taken there as a child, I knew, in a fundamental sense, that I was a prisoner, too. I rarely let myself think about it, and I think it’s why many Low Earth wizards were always more ambivalent about association with magic than me. Throwing myself fully into learning magic was also an attempt at gaining control, because if I was good enough, I would have power to leverage. Or so I thought. So I never really felt like a captive, even if I was one—I couldn’t leave of my own volition, and I had to do whatever Evram told me to maintain my comparatively good treatment—more like a second-class citizen always trying to prove my worth.
To my surprise and delight, my untried sister apparently treatedthemlike the second-class citizens. Barbarians so weak and desperate they had to kidnap the innocent relative of their enemy for leverage. She understood that I was a real threat tothem, and used that to her full advantage, shaming and scaring them into treating her better than they’d intended.
I knew Brook was smart, obviously, but I hadn’t realized how politically astute she was. Her childhood years of having to sneak and steal her way to independence from our parents left their own mark. She can flit through any situation without letting it touch her.
I make sure she eats and drinks, but eventually Brook’s adrenaline runs out and she conks out.
Brook takes Nariel’s place in the futon at the ryokan, and seeing her sleep, protecting her in the place that he protected me, makes my eyes tear up so badly I have to leave the room and shut myself into the bathroom as I finally let go and sob.
For a brief, shining few minutes, I had magic, and my sister, and Nariel, and a future.
Now I have both magic and a future together, an outcome I did not anticipate but will seize.
But I’m never settling again. Not ever.
It’s not magicora life, it’s magicanda life, and all that means.
I want it all, and I will have it.
No matter who I have to fight.
Eventually I sleep too—after establishing some heavy-duty protections on Brook—and once we’re both back up, I get back to work.
The first order of business is to take stock of my anchor spell at the shrine gate. Harder to do without Nariel to cloak me.
I already set up some defenses, of course, because I thought I wasn’t coming back. Now, everything is different.
