Shots fired.
It’s an arrow straight to my heart, because while I desperately want that to be true, I don’t believe it. Not for me.
Not when the one thing I dared to want without reservation has kept me spinning my wheels for years until it’s finally putme in the impossible position of having it or sacrificing my own sister.
I’m changing that position, becausefuckEvram, but not into one that makes me happier.
Just one I can live with, long enough for that to matter.
“You don’t have to worry about me.” I shrug. “I’ve always wanted one thing for myself, and I’m not giving up on magic.”
“But are you giving up on yourself?”
My hands spasm on the gift I’m holding.
Softly, Nariel says, “That’s what I thought.”
Goddamn it. I didn’t want to have this conversation.
But probably that would be unfair to him, wouldn’t it? After all we’ve shared, after all he’s done for me, I’m going to leave him alone again. Just because it’s hard for me doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to at least understand.
As long as he doesn’t interfere.
“I don’t have a choice,” I grit out. “Giving myself up is the only thing that will convince the grand magus that this world isn’t a danger to him so he doesn’t target it.”
“Wizards in this world have been saying they have no choice for centuries, and you despise them for it.”
“This is different. I caused this, when I stole magic back without any protections in place—“
Nariel’s eyes are as intent as I’ve ever seen. “Theycaused it, when they stole this world’s magic in the first place and have continued to choose, year after year, not to make amends. Don’t blame yourself because other people made shitty choices. That is on them.”
“Be that as it may, people here wouldn’t be in dangernowif not for me. Not when Evram knows what I can do.”
He practically growls, “Then youmake them safe, Sierra. You don’t abandon the field to your oppressor.”
Oh, that’s fucking rich. “How, Nariel?“ I demand. “Tell me another way, and I will bedelightedto take it.”
“That’s not how it works, and you know it,” he snaps. “I don’t know your magic.”
Some tiny hope I hadn’t realized I was holding out dies.
The problem with being at the top of the field is that there’s no one who understands enough to find something I’ve missed.
I don’t think I’ve missed anything, though. That’s the problem.
I can bring magic into this world, so everyone can have it. I can rescue my sister so she can be safe. I can make space for everyone else to use magic and be safe.
Just not me. That’s the cost.
I slump back in my seat, balling my fists into my eyes. “Then don’t lecture me about my choices if you can’t help,” I say tightly.
Nariel pulls my hands down from my eyes. I fight him, but he’s physically a lot stronger than me, and I’m not actually telling him to stop.
But when I see how close his face is to mine, and the shadows swirling in his eyes, I know I should have.
But I still want all of him I can get.
“I don’t know your magic,” Nariel tells me forcefully, “and I will not sabotage your efforts. But I willbe here, and I will believe in you.”
