I want to keep her. Not just for a season. She got under my skin the day we met and never left, and whatever the future might hold for me, I want her in it. But I don’t deserve her. Not yet.
“Everything okay?” she asks, looking at the whisk in my motionless hand before meeting my gaze again.
No. Nothing is okay.
If I want to keep her—if I want even the chance of her continually choosing me the way she did today—I can’t keep avoiding the hard things. I can’t expect her to lean on me if I don’t know where I come from or where I’m going.
I can’t ask her to choose me if I can’t choose myself.
I need the truth. All of it. I need to find out who I am so I can know what I have to offer.
Lowering her hand with the spoon, I stare into her incredible eyes as the decision hits me like a bad tackle, right to the shoulder.
I can’t ignore it anymore. Not Lola, not my past, not what I feel for the spitfire woman standing in my kitchen.
It’s time to man up and face my fears before I lose the best thing to ever happen to me.
Chapter 22
Savannah
There’ssomethingdifferentaboutLogan this morning, and that worries me. He’s stretched out on my couch with Beef on his chest—a common occurrence—but he’s never been here on a Saturday morning. Before now, he waited until after I was back from Lola’s. Today, he knocked on my door a little after eight and greeted me with a kiss on the top of my head, then he went straight for my cat.
Though I wanted to ask him if something was wrong, I hopped in the shower instead. I came out to Beef and Logan cuddled up together, and now Logan is murmuring soft words and massaging Beef’s extra-toed paws.
I’ve never seen the big guy this affectionate before—either of them—and that’s what worries me.
Logan still hasn’t talked through his fear surrounding Lola and his dad. He kept yesterday’s focus on me and getting me to Liam’s house on time—with Logan’s help, I made it to Malibu only eight minutes late and caught Liam on his way out—then went to practice like normal, since the team had a bye week.Logan needs time to process his adoption, but he hasn’t given himself that time yet.
Maybe I need to force him to talk, but that feels dangerous. After the way things were between us yesterday, I’m so afraid to stir the pot and mess everything up.
Logan looks up and sees me at the edge of the hall watching him, and a small smile lights up his face. Anervoussmile. “Hey.”
Stomach twisting, I slowly approach my two russet-haired boys and sit on the floor next to the couch so I can rub the top of Beef’s head. “You look tired,” I tell Logan, unable to hold back my frown as I examine the dark circles under his eyes, worse than they were yesterday. I didn’t see him much at the Thunder facility when I brought the team their food last night, having to content myself with a text he sent, telling me how delicious the food was and apologizing for not being able to help me.
“Up late,” he says. His hand shifts from Beef’s paw to his head, where my hand rests. As Beef stretches his arms out and purrs loudly, Logan intertwines our fingers. “I had a long chat with Mox after practice.”
“Oh?” I hope this means hehastalked about Lola with someone, even if I’m disappointed that it wasn’t with me.
Logan nods slowly. “The guy is too perfect for his own good, but he had some solid advice.”
“About what?”
“Going for what I want most in the world.” He lifts his free hand to tuck some of my wet hair behind my ear, and then his palm presses to my cheek.
My breath hitches. His gaze is so open, like he’s letting me see into his very soul, and I can’t help but wonder if what he wantsmost is me. He’s always been on his way out, but yesterday he made me feel like my life is just as important to him as his own.
“Logan,” I whisper, wondering if I’m brave enough to ask him if he’ll stay.
“Can I go with you to Lola’s?”
Startled, I pull my head back and instantly regret losing the warmth of his hand. “Really?” That should be a good thing, so why does my heart stumble in my chest at the thought of him getting closure? My mind screams at me to tell him no. I’m not ready to let him go once he gets his answers. “I don’t… I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”
His eyes fall to the cat snoozing on his chest. “I know it can put your relationship with her at risk, but I’ll make sure she doesn’t hate you for bringing me to her. This is all me.”
At this point, that’s the least of my worries. Logan’s hold on his emotions is frayed and fragile, and right now I’m not convinced he can handle a conversation with Lola. What if she doesn’t give him the answers he needs? What if she breaks him?
And Lola… We’re friends now, and I haven’t forgotten the weight on her shoulders that day I met Logan outside her house. I can’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of that stress came from Logan first reaching out. She might not fare any better than Logan would from a confrontation.
