To my dismay, I felt the irrepressible desire to hold a little wailing creature of my own one day. One who’d have brown eyes, dark, curly hair, and who’d grow to have freckles dusting their cheekbones and nose. One who’d be lovable and extroverted despite having half of my DNA. One who’d be okay, even with me as a father, because they’d have an amazing mother to make up for it.
But that option is long gone, along with the only woman I could ever want any of this with, so I’ve pushed the idea to the back of my head, dismissing it forever.
“Isn’t she the most perfect baby you’ve ever seen?” Kevin asks with wonderment, looking over my shoulder at his newborn girl.
“She’s a beautiful baby,” I say truthfully. My sisters’ children weren’t as good-looking at that age, but I suppose that’s subjective.
“She got her first bath yesterday,” he continues.
That doesn’t sound like such a notable thing to me, but it seems to be a milestone to Kev, so I nod as if proud of her. They’re about to embark on a journey of big firsts for them and Maddison, and I’ll inevitably have to hear it all, so I better get used to it.
A movement at the door draws our attention, and something drops in my chest when I see who’s standing there. Kev left it wide open after pushing the stroller in, and now Andrea stands frozen in the doorway,eyes wide as she takes in the scene. If we hadn’t noticed her, I have a feeling she would’ve slipped away—but it’s too late. Michelle sees her and breaks the tension before it can set.
“Andy, hi!” she greets her with a broad smile.
“Sorry, I—I didn’t mean to interrupt, I wanted to talk to—” She barely offers me a glance, visibly uneasy. “You know what, I’ll come back later.”
“Come meet Maddison!” Kevin offers, waving her in.
She stands there for a moment, considering her options. People are weird when it comes to their children, so she probably feels forced to accept. With a slump of her shoulders, she gives in and steps inside.
I’m tense all over as she walks up to me, her gaze fixed on the newborn to avoid mine. She stops a couple of feet away and awkwardly leans in to better see Maddy’s sleeping face.
“Oh, she’s beautiful,” Andrea says. “Those adorably tiny fingers…”
I’d look down, but my attention belongs only to her. She seems tired, and given how she maintains a safe distance between us, I suppose it’s because of what happened in her car. As I realize she lost sleep over it, the guilt I’ve felt since worsens. I’m a fucking idiot.
When Andrea tentatively looks up to meet my eyes through her lashes, I want to pass on the apology I long to give her. But with Shelly and Kev right there, looking at their daughter over her shoulders, I can’t.
“You made a beautiful baby,” Andrea congratulates as she turns to Michelle. “I’m so sorry, I meant to call when I heard the news, but I have had a lot going on lately.”
“It’s alright, Kevin passed your sweet words along. I’ve been meaning to call you about my friend who gives Korean lessons, the one we talked about, remember? But, well, I’ve had a lot going on, too,” Shelly explains with humor.
Maddison begins to stir and make discontent noises, pulling our focus back to her.
Kev steps in, coming between Andrea and me to maneuver his daughter out of my arms. “I promise, little darling, he feels scary, but you’ll quickly get used to Uncle Lexi’s brooding presence,” he whispers to her, earning a glare from me.
The ghost of a smile dances over Andrea’s lips when I gaze at her again, and for that alone, I forgive my best friend for the jab.
“It’s feeding time again,” Shelly explains with a wince when Kev hands her the baby.
“We’ll leave you two alone,” he says, grabbing the stroller’s handles.
Andrea opens her mouth to protest, but Kev and Shelly are on the move before she can. Part of me also wants to make them stay with usbecause the second we’re alone, we’ll have to talk about what happened on Friday, and I’m not looking forward to that. How the fuck am I supposed to justify what I did?
“It was a pleasure seeing you, Andy, even if it was too short,” Shelly says as she passes her.
“Likewise. Congratulations again on your beautiful daughter.”
After some more polite pleasantries, they’re out with their daughter and her stroller, and the door closes behind them, isolating Andrea and me in my office.
As if we’re both desperate to delay our talk, we keep our eyes on the closed door for several seconds. The moment is heavy with unease and awkwardness, and I can perceive the tension in her shoulders when I give in first and look at her.
Slowly, as if resigned, she twists to meet my gaze. Yet again, the thick and uncomfortable atmosphere persists, weighing the silence with all the things we wish we could say to one another.
“You wanted—” I start at the same time as she says, “I was wondering—”
We both stop, our efforts killed at once. “Go ahead,” I say with a nod.
