It’s my turn to purse my lips in a disapproving way. I always favored intimacy with long-term partners over one-night stands. Hana used to tell me I was doing it wrong, insistent that I’d never discover the true joys of sex that way. She’s always been more adventurous than me, and I can’t count how many times she encouraged me to put myself out there and experiment, try new men, or discover what I like. But this is going too far.
At the same time, I try to excel at everything I do, pushed by a deeply rooted need to gain my parents’ approval—something my therapist and I are working on during our rare sessions.
I give my everything at work, doing better than all my colleagues. I made the dean’s list at Harvard, finished high school as valedictorian, won championships for my extracurricular activities… Everything I undertake, I give my all and nail it. Somehow, my unhealthy need for perfection and nothing less is taking over my subpar sex life. While I don’t have to become the best at it, I can’t possibly remain the worst.
My drunken enterprise led me into a position I never thought I’d ever be in, and now I’m cornered, having to choose between my need for perfection and the comfort zone I so fiercely cherish.
“You have to try that ladder thing,” Hana insists. “And then let me know if it’s worth it. I’m sure I can convince Tyrone to get pierced.”
My nose scrunches on its own at the idea of her poor fiancé going through that. It must take a certain kind of man to undergo such mutilations. And for what? Is it to receive more pleasure? Or is it to give more of it? Regardless, it seems entirely unnecessary.
When Hana grabs my phone, I’m still torn, unsure if I want to disturb my neatly organized life for this. Nearly every hour of my days is already claimed, and sacrificing my little leisure time doesn’t sound appealing. But I say nothing and watch as she returns to the message Eli sent.
“Hi, thanks for reaching out,” she says as she types the words. “I’d like to know more about your friend. Is he hot? Is he a serial killer? Or a weirdo?”
“Nice priorities,” I scoff.
“You’ll thank me later.”
I’m genuinely surprised when Eli’s answer comes five minutes later. Hana is now pumping on the other side, and I’m still trying to muster the energy to go get us some ibuprofen.
Eli
It’s my understanding that he’s hot, yeah. And he was forced to put his serial killer career aside when he ran out of space to bury bodies in his basement. As for the weirdo part, I guess that one’s subjective. But he isn’t a creep, if that helps.
“A basement in New York? In this economy? He’s a catch,” Hana jokes.
I chuckle, rereading the response. It’s odd how a man selling himself to get laid feels untrustworthy, but this doesn’t. Not as much, at least. There’s some amount of authenticity to it that I wouldn’t trust otherwise.
We’re not expecting another message, but it comes nevertheless.
Eli
I realize this is weird, but you’re looking for a Jacob’s, and he’s into redheads. I thought it might be a good match. Fair warning though, he isn’t looking for anything serious. I hope you don’t have expectations regarding that.
“See? The stars are aligning,” Hana says with a grin.
“It’s kind of perfect, yes.”
“Then ask for the guy’s number. You can make it safe if you’re the one in charge.”
As I type an answer to Eli, I wonder again how I ended up in this situation. My life was perfectly fine twenty-four hours ago, with my dream Upper East Side apartment, a successful man in my life, a coveted job… And now, I’m messaging a stranger on a dating app, alreadywaydown the rabbit hole. The only excuse I can think of is that I’m still a little drunk and definitely sleep deprived.
But like Hana said, I’m in charge, so what’s the worst that can happen?
Eli is just as quick as before to send the number, and yet again, Hana spurs me on, encouraging me to send a text before my courage wavers. So, I save the number as “Ladder Guy” in my contact list and send a quick text.
Me
This is Jessica from the dating app. I think Eli told you about me? Would you like to meet?
There, that’s it. Now, all I have to do is wait for Ladder Guy’s answer. And if it never comes, then I’ll focus on another item from that list and circle back to this one. I got 153 messages in one night, so I’m sure it won’t be hard to find willing men.
When the phone vibrates in my hand, I almost drop it, surprised. My eyes widen when I seeheis already texting me back. Oh, I’m not ready for this. I thought I’d have hours to prepare.
With a hand that slightly trembles from anticipation and worry, I unlock the screen to see his response.
Ladder Guy
