Almost two weeks later, I have to accept that this isn’t working as well as I’d hoped. The faceless profile I created isn’t the problem—it’s attracting plenty of potential partners. The issue is that as soon as they message me with those cheesy and reheated pickup lines, I lose all interest in them.
With a long sigh, I scroll through the conversations I’ve been entertaining so far. Three days of that were enough to make me wonder if I genuinely like men. The more I speak to them, the less I want them. That doesn’t feel very heterosexual of me. Or maybe I just have standards that are way too high, and I need to lower my expectations to near zero. But I’m not asking for the moon, just for a guy that doesn’t make my vagina dry the second he messages me.
I guess I could try harder, though. It’s just for sex, after all. I’m not trying to build a life with these guys—just spend an hour in bed. Or, if they prove as exceptional as Jake, an entire night.
The fact that he pops up into my mind irritates me, and I look away from my screen with a groan. He’s the real reason why none of this is working out. That’s why I’m still at work on a Friday evening despite having connected with over thirty acceptable candidates. Each of them should be enough, but they all seem so boring compared to Jake.
I tried envisioning items from my list with those guys, but it only brings shudders and winces. In fact, every time I go over the list, I can’t stop fantasies of Jake from filling my mind.Ever had sex tied up?I can see Jake expertly securing my hands and feet to bedposts.Ever gave anal a try?As scary as it sounds, given his size and piercings, he put the idea in my head, and I can’t shake it off.Ever tried breath play?I imagine his hand around my neck like he did that night, but this time, he squeezes to rob me of oxygen.
It’s actually worrying how often that last thought popped into my mind. I’ve become obsessed with the idea of his large, inked hands wrapping around my neck and choking me. Maybe because the gesture is so domineering, or maybe because I’ve heard about how good it can feel… But this isn’t normal. None of this is normal.
Several times in the past two weeks, I fantasized about him while lying in bed, trying to dismiss my needs before giving up and fishing out my vibrator from my nightstand. Out of pride, I stopped counting how often I masturbated thinking about Jake and his tattoos, piercings, and devious tongue.
He ruined me when he showed me what was out there and how amazing intercourse can be. I honestly would rather stay home with a bottle of chardonnay and a documentary than have the kind of sex I’ve had for the past five years.
Aware that Jake might not be the only man with something to offer, I open my private messages and tap on the most promising candidate. Owen, twenty-three, is a little too young for my taste, but like I said, I’m not trying to build a life here. He’s a med student who doesn’t have time for anything more than what I need him for. He’s also easy on the eyes, and his humor is alright. But again, those are extras, not actual requirements.
This is just a leap I must take, and then everything will be fine. Like with Jake, this is the hardest part, and the rest will flow. After a deep breath to gather my courage, I send him a message.
Me
Hey, would you still like to meet up?
Now, I wait and see. Not too long though, because Owen is always quick to respond—another thing to appreciate.
Owen
It’s like you read my mind. I need a break from revisions.
Me
Do you want to meet up tonight?
Owen
Yeah, if you’re free!
I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Then again, I like the idea of getting it out of the way. If I don’t want to spend a whole year going over the list, I need to speed it up. A quick check of my phone tells me it’s already late, so the evening will be well-advanced by the time I get home and change. I look down, gauging my outfit. I’m wearing a black dress with just enough cleavage—I had a meeting that required feminine diplomacy. It’s enough for what I have in mind.
Me
I’m free. How soon can you be at The Plaza on 5th?
Owen
Wow, that is way out of my budget.
Me
Don’t worry about it. I’m paying.
Owen
Sugar mama vibes, I like it. Well, I’m all the way in Brooklyn, and I have something I need to finish before I go. Maybe an hour or so? Or if you can’t wait to get your hands on all this, I guess you can come over ;)
I pinch the bridge of my nose, taking a moment before I reply. This is my best option? Really? Before I can reconsider everything and put an end to it, I come up with a new strategy.
Me
