I ended the call before he could say anything else and sat in the office, keeping the phone in place. My hands felt cold as I tried to come to terms with what I had just discovered. The slow climb over all those years, the new apartments, and the quiet comforts I had never questioned had all been soaked in blood disguised as safety. None of it had been real.
I barely registered the sound of footsteps until Avgust was standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” he said softly.
I flinched despite myself.
He crossed the room in two strides, crouching in front of me, hands warm and steady as they framed my knees. I could see concern in his eyes, and that only made me feel guiltier. I knew everything now. Every little bit of the truth, and yet I was keeping it all from him. I was hiding something so significant about my identity from the one man who trusted me enough not to hide anything from me.
“What’s wrong, Ilana?” he asked, sensing my mood at once.
He had become scarily good at reading my expressions.
“I am just tired.” It wasn’t even a lie.
His eyes searched my face, sharp and gentle all at once.
“You’ve been pushing yourself too much.”
I nodded.
He brushed his thumb beneath my eye, lingering. “You don’t have to carry everything alone, you know? If I can share everything with you, you can share everything with me, too. You cannot keep your thoughts concealed in your chest forever.”
My chest ached.
If only you knew, Avgust.
“You are right,” I whispered, leaning into his touch, letting him pull me closer into his chest. I hid my face in the folds of his coat as he held me, pulling me down on the floor and placing me in his lap comfortably. I wanted to tell him. I wishedI could tell him everything, but I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to watch him go after my brothers and for any of them to die.
I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the eye if someone died because of me.
I was very angry with my brothers, but I still loved them. They were family after all, and they had given me a good life. So for now, the truth needed to stay buried. And that scared me more than anything else.
It was only a matter of time till Avgust found out.
Chapter 18 - Avgust
“You are being quiet again, Ilana.”
She didn’t look at me when I said it. Just kept staring out the car window, chin resting against her knuckles, sunlight cutting soft lines across her face.
“I am always quiet,” she replied.
“No,” I shook my head. “You’re not. At least not with me. We are past that point in our marriage.”
That finally earned me a glance. It was brief and careful, as if she were measuring whether the truth was worth the effort. It had been this way for a few days now, and it was beginning to worry me.
“I promise, Avgust. I am fine.” She said.
I exhaled through my nose. “You have been telling me exactly that for the past week now, Ilana. Every time I find you staring in space or being quiet, you tell me you are fine. But if you actually are fine, why don’t I see it?”
“So you don’t believe me?” she asked, finally turning completely to look at me.
“I wouldn’t keep asking again and again if I did, my love.”
Silence filled the car. It wasn’t awkward or hostile, but heavy. The kind that presses against your ears until you are forced to listen to your own thoughts. It had been this way since I had found her sitting in my office all alone. She could not have found anything in there because she already knew everything. I hid nothing from her. But something must have prompted this change. Something I couldn’t pinpoint. Something I needed to know.
The city rolled past us, glass, steel, and heat simmering off asphalt. She shifted in her seat, adjusting the strap of her spaghetti dress like it had suddenly become too tight.
