“Starving,” I admitted with a sheepish smile.
He grabbed a few cans of vegetables and put them in the pan over the wood stove. I stood next to him, soaking in the heat of the fire in a comfortable silence. Once the food was done, he left the pan on the counter with enough for Micah and Nathan when they came inside, and we ate standing next to the crackling fire.
“I used to play a lot of plague-type world simulation games, and while it didn’t help my anxiety about how easily viruses and bacteria spread, it did give me hope that we’d have some sort of warning before it happened. Therewasn’ta warning with this. No extra deaths, strange symptoms, or increases in any illnesses. Justzombies.”He groaned, placing his empty bowl in the bin and putting his mask back on.
“I agree with that. There was no warning with the zombie virus.” I finished my last few bites before doing the same, eyes locked on my usually closed-off boyfriend. I loved that he seemed to be opening up to me. It was a huge step forward from the bathroom incident. “Surprised was an understatement.”
“Because of games like that and the media I fed into, my fear of germs was so high that I didn’t have any real life friends. I had a few online friends and work acquaintances, but all of them thought I was weird since I refused to go out. It’s difficult for me to get comfortable with people. I don’t know why it’s so easy to be around you, but I’ve even seen more of Micah and Nathan since you’ve come around,” he admitted as we stood in the kitchen.
“I’m really happy to hear that, Calix. You can’t help fear without controlled exposure, something you happened to be forced into, and I hate that for you. Screw the people who thought you were weird. They don’t matter anymore, and for the record, it’s easy for me to be around you too.” I stepped closer, and my hand reached out toward him before I paused and pulled back.
His hand caught mine, and he pulled me closer. “I’ve never wanted tofeelsomeone the way I want to feel you.”
“What do you mean?” My words were breathless, and my heart thumped wildly in my chest.
“I mean innocently. Hold your hand, skim my fingers over your cheek, sleep next to you, comfort you, and hug you. I’ve done most of that with you now, and it’s been such a short time with us together. I’ve learned that time is even more fleeting now that we’re in the apocalypse, so I don’t want to prolong anything that I want or you want.”
“Calix…” My brows furrowed as I stared at his determined gaze.
“I was never as bad as my mother when it came to germs, but you have me wondering if it’s truly a phobia I have because I fear it or if it’s something I’ve been conditioned to fear. Or perhaps it’s just because I’ve adapted to the infected state of the world the way it is now.” He used his other hand to take his mask off before bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my palm. “But I also mean intimately in a way that isn’t innocent. Ever since I walked in on you, Micah, and Nathan, I’ve been thinking about it. Knowing you and Micah were together last night doesn’t disgust me at all. It makes mewant you more.”
“I want you too.” I swallowed hard and stepped closer, watching his body language for any sign of discomfort. My fingers slipped into his, and I squeezed his hand, feeling him tremble from the action. “I want anything you’re comfortable with.”
He leaned in and brushed his lips against mine. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
“What if I want to try to have you completely, but I’ve never done it before, and I’m nervous about what it entails?” His voice shook as he pulled back and stared at me as if he were gauging my reaction.
I tiptoed up and kissed his lips again. “You can tie me up if you’d like. That way you’d be in control the entire time.”
His eyes widened, and his mouth fell open. “You’re serious?”
“Absolutely.”
“Are you sure?” His brows bunched together. “You have no problem with that? Even if I don’t know what to do?”
“It was my idea, Calix.” I stepped back and let go of his hand before I went into Micah’s room and came out with a rope he’d stored in his closet. “Where would you like to try it?”
“My room,” he answered instantly, and my heart soared from the invitation into his sanctuary. He cleared his throat and went to his door before opening it and letting me inside.
Nerves fluttered about in my gut, and my heartbeat thumped loudly in my ears as I took a step inside.
As expected, his room was clean and organized. His metal framed bed was made with a tan comforter and white pillow, and he had a white nightstand beside the bed where sanitizer, a spray bottle full of what I bet was disinfectant, and extra gloves were set out. The floors were shining wood from being polished many times before, and the wood of his walls were just as polished.
A fresh, clean scent filled the room, and a smile spread over my lips as I glanced over at him and offered him the ropes. “This is really clean.”
“Thanks.” He swallowed audibly before taking the ropes. “How do we do this?”
“That depends.” I carefully stripped out of my clothes, one piece of clothing at a time until I was completely naked. “Do you want me doggy or missionary?”
“Uh,what?” His gaze burned into my skin as he raked his eyes down the length of me and back. “What do you mean?”
“Do you want me on my hands and knees away from you or would you rather me on my back with my legs spread, facing you?” I explained, my legs squeezing in anticipation.
“That’s what I thought you meant, but I didn’t want to sound dumb,” he murmured, reaching out and tucking a piece of my flyaway hair behind my ear. “The first one, I think?”
“And you’re okay with me on your bed?” I paused before climbing up on it, and he nodded.
