“Then I’ll go visit.” He hugged me tighter. “Can you trust me to stay? I screwed up back then. How can you trust me to be in a relationship again?” Fear shone bright in his eyes but I couldn’t tell what he was afraid of.
I sucked my bottom lip. “I’ve come to terms with it. I mean, yeah. I’m scared you’ll leave again but I don’t want that to be the reason we hold back.”
“I’ll prove it to you day by day. I won’t leave. Let’s take it slow before we slap a label on it. We’ve both changed, and with Gerald I don’t know if it’s the best idea to hop back into the relationship.”
I broke eye contact and rested my head against his chest again. “I guess that’s the best thing to do then.”
Confusion swept through me. It didn’t make sense as to why he was stuck on the label. We shared a strong connection, and he was acting like we were in a relationship. I didn’t get what the difference was. Unless Gerald being out there was shaking him more than I’d thought.
I shut my eyes and held onto him tight. He said he wouldn’t leave, but not making me his made me feel like we weren’t solid. If we weren’t solid, then what was keeping him from leaving?
I pulled up to the farmhouse in my sputtering pick-up truck. I’d barely made it back to the house before the damn thing died. The truck was indestructible, made it through high school to now and I’d driven a shit ton during the years. But a little drive to the town over for a meeting with some factory about selling grain and the transmission was fucked.
I’d forgotten my cell phone at home too, so if I had broken down, I’d have been even more fucked. I hopped out of the truck and said a slew of curse words before making my way inside.
“Flynn, thank goodness you’re home.” Ma greeted me when I came through the front door with cookies and milk laid on the table.
I’d snatched a cookie and a glass and sighed. “The old thing finally died.”
“I heard it when you pulled up. It’s a shame, but I think it’s time for a new vehicle. It was a good truck but a little outdated.” She gave a small smile.
The truck was the only thing my father had ever given me, so she knew it was important.
Her eyes widened as she glanced at my phone on the counter as if she’d remembered something. “Your phone has been going off. At least ten times in the last few minutes.”
A jolt of adrenaline shot through me. Fuck. I hadn’t left Evelyn’s side in two fucking weeks other than for holiday gatherings. I grabbed at the phone and noticed at least twenty missed calls from Oliver. Relief flooded me as I noticed the text message from Evelyn.
Evelyn:I miss you already. Be safe and close that deal! ;) I’m closing the salon early today, so I’ll be home by five.
I checked the time. It was almost seven outside and the sky was dark from the impending storms that were supposed to hit tonight.
I pressed Oliver’s name. It rang once before a feminine voice answered.
“Flynn?” It was Millie’s voice.
My heart dropped like a cement block in my stomach and my throat constricted. There was only one reason she’d be calling me from Oliver’s phone. “Yeah?” My voice was hoarse.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Her sobs broke through. “I didn’t—I mean… I found him when I came home from my moms. I’d left our daughter with her, thank God. We were supposed to talk, but when I got home…”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “How'd he do it?”
“What?”
“How did he do it?” I gritted the words out.
She blew her nose before mumbling, “Gunshot to the head.”
The phone slipped out of my hand and on to the kitchen floor. Ma jumped, concern shone in her eyes. Death wasn't kind. I knew that. It killed where it could, taking people far too young, far too good. It didn't care. But death had spared me and Oliver overseas. Death didn’t come for Oliver. Oliver went for death, and death was permanent. I’d never get to talk him through shit again, never be able to call him with my shit.
I’d grieved so many times for my fallen brothers but this was different. Why’d he take his own life? I’d thought he was getting help. A deep emptiness settled in my heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow took over. A heavy weight rested on my shoulders and there was nothing I could do to get out from under it.
When the words wouldn’t come, the tears did. I turned. Ma’s voice sounded like it was underwater as I threw open the screen door and stumbled onto the porch.
Black clouds sprawled across the sky. Their darkness drained life from the area. The air was thick with the scent of rain. A stillness fell over the farm, and in the silence came a low crackle of thunder, rolling across the fields. For a moment, everything stopped.
A streak of hot silver split the sky, and the downpour began. I took off. I couldn’t run with my fucking leg, but I had to get the hell away. Thick icy sheets of rain obscured my vision, but I knew where I was going. The rain was freezing, paling my skin on contact. Frozen droplets fell in a chaotic mess, sliding down my face in a thin layer, mingling with salty tears. I walked away from the house, from the farm, and down the backroads to the one place I knew I needed to go.
The storm hid my cries until there was nothing left but a raw emptiness. Grief surged with every breath, always reaching higher peaks, never soothing. Tremors rocked my body as I made my way to the one person who could give me an anchor.
