The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the marrow of my bones. I knew missing someone could take over every fibre in your body and drain you. But I never knew the torment of having that person in your grasp but not being able to fully embrace them the way you wanted. I swallowed a hard lump as I fought back an urge to cry. “I’ll read all but the last one, and Flynn?”
He hesitated. “Yeah?”
“I’ll be waiting to hear what happened in the last letter directly from you.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You have no idea what I’ve done.”
My heart raced. “I don’t care. You’re still the boy I fell in love with all those years ago. Nothing is going to change my mind about you.” The truth dripped from my lips, but from the silence on the other end, I didn’t think he believed a word I said.
“We’ll see about that. Good night, Evelyn,” he finally said before the call ended.
“Good night, Flynn.” I put the phone down and grabbed the stack of letters.
I would learn about his past, and no matter what I found, he would still be my Flynn.
The start of fall had passed, and November had snuck up on us. The skies were low and grey, and I knew cold rain would soon be upon us. We’d been working our asses off the past month. I’d forgotten how demanding the farm was, but it helped take my mind off Evelyn. I’d given her the go ahead to read my letters almost a month ago but still hadn’t heard from her. The anxiety was eating me alive.
Autumn days waned toward the inevitable colder weather ahead, each nightfall would come sooner than the one before. An earthen aroma filled my nostrils. Fog had settled, the air was cool, and the ground was wet. With winter approaching, we’d harvested and stored all the grain, apples, cranberries, broccoli, and butternut squash, and cut and baled the hay. The farm wouldn’t be as demanding in the winter months.
I wiped my brow as Jackson, one of the guys who’d I’d grown to respect, came over. “We finished up our fall duties. What’s the plan for winter?”
I thought about the book Ma had given me with my father’s schedule during the seasons. I’d already started planning what we needed to do. “Well, I’ll budget and start buying seed and fertilizer. We need to ship grain to a couple of feed mills I’ve been in contact with. We also need to work on some of our farm equipment. The tractor needs some work in preparation for spring tillage and planting.”
He nodded. “Sounds good. I can get started on the tractor next week with Jeff. What crops are we planting on which fields?”
I glanced down at my aging rubber boots and dirt infused jeans. I was turning into my old man. “I’ll get back to you on that.”
He nodded. “I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries here, but I heard Gerald was back in town. Is Eve alright?”
My nose scrunched up. “Who the fuck is Gerald?”
His brown eyes widened before he flickered them to the right. “Uh, some guy she used to see.”
Rage built up inside me. Was it the same guy who hurt her? The one that caused the fear I saw in her eyes when she mentioned her panic attacks? “Why wouldn’t she be okay?”
“When you left, you missed a lot. This town is small. Everyone knows everyone. We all watched that woman spiral into someone she wasn’t. We all worried for her.” He spoke in fucking riddles.
“Give it to me straight, Jackson. Tell me what you know.”
He held his hands up in defense. “Faith went away to some fancy island to marry Asher. Eve went with Gerald but came back without him. She had faded bruises and was skittish as hell when anyone saw her. She took off work at the salon for a month. Rumor has it, the fucker was in jail. He just got out a little over a month ago and he’s back. Eve started acting like herself just a few months ago. I’m sure she knows he’s back.”
Everything he told me stung. My fists clenched at my sides, and my jaw rooted. “I’ll check on her. Thanks for telling me, Jackson.”
“Yeah. Thought you needed to know. You two used to be close.”
Used to be.But I left, and she had to go through shit she’d never had gone through if I’d fucking stayed. I hadn’t felt this much pent up rage in a while, and I had to stew in it until she was ready to call me.
It’d been well over a month since Flynn told me to read the letters. I’d read four the night he told me. The words were seared into my mind like a brand. I could see the pain in his pen strokes. My heart twisted in pain with each letter. I’d begun reading one letter a day, sometimes I’d reread one from the day before. Flynn had been through so much more than I could’ve ever imagined. I finished reading all but the one he said not to.
Five letters stuck out to me the most. I had my phone lying next to me on my bed as I leveled my breathing. I needed to read these five letters one more time so I could allow myself to process them.
Evelyn,
War is a three lettered word that obliterates everything. Tears people apart, even my brothers on the battlefield. Victims of war, and we are all victims, we’re plagued with guilt, regret, and pain. It fucking sucked.
With each bullet fired, my brain shut off my emotions. I’m a killer. A monster. If only you could see me now. You wouldn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t be redeemed. We dropped bombs that killed people. Innocent lives are lost over here. Both on our side and their side. When it comes to life out here, you fight and win or you die. I hear screams of pure terror. I see blood. I smell gunpowder.
They were collateral damage, as my sergeant would say. I have no choice but to go with it. I’m fucked up, Evelyn. I can’t be saved. I react with brutality, ferocity.
