‘I want the woman I married back.’
I look at him, sure my eyebrows are halfway up to my hairline. ‘What are you on about? I’m sitting right here!’
He stares steadily back at me. ‘Are you?’
‘Am I what?’
‘Are you right here … with me?’
I have no idea what he’s trying to say. What is he talking about? ‘Yes,’ I whisper. ‘What do you mean?’
He closes his eyes for a moment, exhales, then opens them again. ‘It’s just that when we met, you were different.’
The muscles between my ribs grow tighter, making it harder to breathe. ‘Different how?’
‘I think you were happier. You laughed more. You would do things on a whim.’
‘Of course we’re not going to be the same people after twelve years together. It probably wouldn’t be a good sign if we were.’
‘It’s more than that.’ He leans forwards, braces his hands on his thighs. ‘We used to be … I don’t know … It felt as if we were the perfect fit. I got you and you got me, and it was easy. And, yes, before you say anything, I know that relationships can’t be like they are in the early days all the time. That wouldn’t be realistic. But I thought we’d grow closer together over the years, not further apart.’
Oh. He’s noticed it too. So much for secretly hoping it was just me overthinking. My stomach sinks and it makes me jittery. ‘What has that got to do with inviting my mother to our anniversary party?’
‘I know you have a painful history with your mother—’
I let out a sharp, gruff laugh. ‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘But ever since you cut her out of your life, I feel you’re cutting yourself out of mine too. More and more … I just thought,if there was a way to bring some healing, some closure, it might help. Maybe we could salvage things.’
Salvage things?We’re just in a rut, aren’t we? But then I didn’t know he’s spent years watching me, judging me, and has quietly decided I’m not living up to his expectations anymore.
‘I had to do something, Jess. I had to try.’
‘To fix me? Because I’m broken?’
‘No! To fix the situation.’
‘Same thing!’
‘No—’
Cold air stings the back of my nose and throat. ‘I thought you loved me for me.’ I want to shout the words but all I can manage is a hoarse whisper.
‘I do!’
I shake my head, tears plopping onto my cheeks. ‘No you don’t. You want some other Jess – a perfect Jess. But I am who I am, Luke, with all my baggage. I’m not … I’m not even sure you know me anymore. And if anything proves that, it’s what you did tonight!’ And that stupid pewter wall sculpture he gave me as an anniversary present, but it’s probably not a good idea to bring that up now.
‘Jess, please …’
I shake my head and look past him to the living room door. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘We need to talk. You can’t just walk away.’
‘I can’t deal with it right now. We’ll talk about it … later.’ I take a few steps across the rug towards the softly lit hallway.
‘No.’
I pause in the doorway, turning to look at him over my shoulder. ‘No?’
