His mouth twists into a rueful smile. ‘Dad wants to retire in a few years. If he does, I’ll have my hands full just keeping on top of Harris & Sons.’
I nod. This is what happened last time, but I never realized how stifled Luke felt keeping the family business going. Seeinghow energized he gets when he’s got a new renovation project on the go – even in these tiny snapshots of our life together I’m experiencing – is making me see things differently.
‘Anyway,’ Luke says, brushing the subject away with the pancake crumbs from the table onto the patio, ‘we’ve still got dinner this evening to look forward to. That new Thai place on the High Street looks amazing.’
‘It does,’ I reply, but then I remember how I hugged the toilet in the middle of the night after our one and only visit there. ‘But, I don’t know, I’m not sure I’m feeling Thai this evening. Shall I see if I can get us a table at Arnaldo’sinstead?’
‘Why not?’ he says, but I’m not sure he actually wants Italian or whether he’s just humouring me.
‘We can do Thai if you fancy … ’ There is another place a couple of streets over that’s been around for a while and has a good reputation.
‘No. It’s okay.’
I stand up as I gather our plates and pause to kiss him on the nose before I take them back inside.
We wash up and tidy away together, and when the last spoon is put in the dishwasher, I reach for Luke and explore behind the apron front, full of taut muscle and soft bare skin. He pulls me in for a kiss, then holds me close. ‘Have you thought any more about the conversation we had the other day? he adds and then gives me a cheeky grin. ‘I thought maybe we could work on that after dinner.’
I raise my eyebrows. ‘Conversation?’
Luke’s smile fades, and I realize he thinks I’m not paying attention to things that are important to him, but I can hardly explain why I don’t remember, can I?
‘Oh, the one from the other night?’
He nods and presses the flat of his hand against my belly. ‘I know it’s a scary idea – becoming parents and all – but I’m ready if you are.’
I smile back at him while inside is a churning mass of contradicting emotions – yearning for a soft pink bundle of warmth to love and cuddle. Fear that I don’t have very good role models when it comes to being an engaged and present parent. What if I can’t do it? What if I mess it up? I would hate it if my child felt about me the same way I feel about my mother, or cried as hard as I did when I felt my father had moved on with hardly a backward glance. I want to give Luke that, but what if all it does is highlight my inadequacies in a whole new area of my life that we haven’t even explored yet?
‘We’ll see,’ I say, ‘but it can’t hurt to have fun trying.’
‘I’m so lucky to have you,’ he whispers into my hair as his hands move round to my back and he pulls me against him. ‘I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.’
I melt against him, bathing in his words. ‘I love you,’ I respond simply, but with all of my heart.
‘I love you, too.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
JESS
I’m just checking through my bullet journal for what might be on my agenda today when my phone rings.
‘Hey, you … Fancy going out for a drink and some gossip this evening?’
‘I’d love to, but I’m going out with Luke this evening – it’s our anniversary.’
‘Oh, God! Yes! What day is it today?’
‘Saturday.’
Hannah sighs. ‘For some reason it feels like a Sunday. I’ve been twenty-four hours ahead all day!’
I laugh. This is the most ‘Hannah’ things she could’ve said. ‘How about sometime next week? Thursday?’
‘Ugh … Connor is back on Thursday, so I’m probably going to want to spend time with him. Can you do Wednesday?’
I quickly pull up my calendar on my phone and check. ‘I’ve got a late appointment – footballing knee injury at six – but I should be able to get away after that.’
‘It’s a date!’
