His tone is calm and reasonable. It makes me want to punch something. ‘You thought I’d be pleased?’ I echo, trying to keep my voice steady and even. ‘Why, Luke? Please tell me what was going on in your head so I can make some sense of this!’
He sighs. ‘Over the last few years, you’ve said some things that made me think you were softening to the idea.’
My head snaps round. ‘Like what?’
‘Like … Like you’ve said something about family being important a few times, about how you wish you had one like mine. Like tonight! When you did your speech, and you said that it was all about family … ’
I make a face. ‘I didn’t meanher.I meant us. Our family. The one we’re in the process of building.’ We’ve talked about tryingfor a baby for the last few years but haven’t quite got around to doing anything about it.
‘She is part of our family, Jess. You can’t just erase her.’
I turn to face him fully. ‘Can’t I?’
He looks so confused. I know he doesn’t get it. But why would he, with his perfect un-divorced parents and happy, successful siblings? Thinking about his family makes the tears fall. I hate crying in front of him. I cover my face with my hands, trying to hide the evidence, then I sniff loudly and look up at him. ‘You betrayed me. What I said earlier is true: you had no right to invite her. Not after I’d been so clear how I felt.’
He opens his mouth.
‘And even if you’d been right, and I was softening towards the idea of having her back in my life, you should have talked to me about it first. Not sprung it on me like some stupidLong Lost Familyepisode!’
‘But I did try talking to you about it!’
‘When?’ I can’t remember any conversations in the last few weeks when Luke has brought my mother up.
‘Loads of times.’
‘Give me an example?’
Luke shakes his head. ‘I … I don’t remember exactly … I tried maybe two months ago, and over the years, plenty of times, but every time I start to talk about your mum, you shut me down.’
‘Isn’t that my prerogative? She’smymother. And don’t you dare try and turn this on me! I’m not the one in the wrong here.’
‘I’m not turning it around on you!’ He runs his hand through his hair and turns around on the spot. ‘God, Jess … Why do you always have to assume I have the worst intentions? I was tryingto do something good, something nice for you. Can’t you see that?’
‘Why can’t you see that maybeIknow what’s good for me, and you don’t always have to swoop in and try to fix things?’
He shakes his head. ‘It’s not like that and you know it.’
It is like that. But he’s never going to admit it. ‘And you haven’t answered my question, not really. Why did you think this would be a good idea? I need to understand.’
‘Like I said … family is family. And I see how much not having what I have hurts you. I see how much you want those strong family ties.’
His words are a stab to my heart. ‘There’s a reason I don’t have what you have – not all families are as happy and healthy as yours, and no amount of trying will make them that way.’
Luke comes around the counter and comes to sit opposite me, waits for me to meet his eyes. ‘You honestly don’t ever want to see her again?’
‘That’s what I’ve always said, isn’t it?’
‘You can’t give her another chance?’
‘No.’
‘But she’s sober now … She got remarried. You’ve got two stepbrothers you don’t even know about.’
I freeze momentarily. This is way too much information. Information Luke knows and I don’t … I stand up. ‘How do you know that?’
He splutters a bit. ‘I … Well … ’
‘Have you been stalking her Facebook page?’
