The evenings are slightly lighter now February has given way to March. Rather than complete darkness at six in the evening, the sky still holds the lavender hues of twilight. He stops looking out of the window and turns to Elena. ‘I tried.’
‘Tried how?’
‘I was quite upfront about it, actually. I said I wanted to have a serious conversation with her about starting a family.’
‘And she wouldn’t talk about it? At all?’
He sighs heavily. ‘Oh, she talked all right. First, she started going on about the training course she’s doing, how it’s really important, and she can’t even think about something big until after that’s over. But that’s going to be months away. So, then I said maybe we could start trying before that. I mean, it couldtake a while before anything happens. But all she said was “we’ll see”. It’s always “we’ll see”.’
‘That’s disappointing.’
He turns around, leans against the windowsill and looks at Elena, who is once again sitting in her high-back chair, a book on the table beside her, along with her phone and a puzzle book. He’s sure his problems aren’t as entertaining as the romcom paperback, but she seems to want to talk to him anyway. ‘The more we talk about it – or don’t – the more I think she doesn’t actually want kids.’
‘Then why doesn’t she tell you that?’
He shakes his head. ‘Jess isn’t like you.’ In fact, he can’t think of two women who are more different. It makes their conversation easy. Refreshing. Lately, his communications with Jess seem more like wading through treacle. ‘She doesn’t open up easily.’
Once upon a time, she would. To him, anyway. It made him feel so special that he was the one person she trusted enough to do that. It was like owning a precious gem that no one else knew about. But now he seems to be on the outside, along with everybody else, and he has no idea how to get back in.
‘Why wouldn’t Jess want kids?’ Elena muses.
He walks over to the empty chair near her and sits down heavily. ‘I often wonder if it’s her upbringing. It was … different.’
‘How so?’
He goes on to tell Elena about Jess’s mother – the drinking, the outbursts, the snippets of information his wife has let slip over the years, often unintentionally, that made him realize their view of family is very, very different. ‘She no longer talks to her mother. Hasn’t done for years.’
Elena looks horrified. ‘I can’t even imagine that.’
‘Neither can I.’ His mum is so warm and caring, his biggest cheerleader. ‘And I worry about that. She once told me that I just don’t get it, and maybe she’s right. Maybe I don’t. But I also don’t understand how she can heal, how she can move on, if she won’t engage with her mother.’
Elena rubs her temple thoughtfully. ‘What about her father?’
‘Their relationship is better … I think. He left when she was young and was out of the picture for a while, but he’s been a fairly steady presence since she was in her mid-teens. He’s married again and we see him and his wife and Jess’s two sisters fairly frequently.’
‘Every week?’
‘Every month or so. And I don’t get that, either. I would’ve thought, with one parent out of the picture, she would’ve made more of an effort with the other one, but it’s like she holds back, keeps herself at a distance—oh!’
‘Oh?’
He stands up again, needing to stretch his legs in order to help his brain think. ‘I think I’ve hit the nail on the head. I get this sense that she’s keeping a part of herself back. There’s a particular vibe I start to pick up on when she does it with them. And I just realized I’ve been feeling that too lately. She’s started doing it with me as well … ’ He walks to the window and then sits back down in the chair, and where he can’t have a proper conversation from six feet away. ‘I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. It’s so obvious.’
Did he hurt Jess? All he’s ever wanted to do was to help her, to protect her. How can it have got to the place where he is the one who is making her clam up and shut down?
‘I don’t know what I did,’ he repeats to Elena.
She reaches out and lays her hand on top of his. ‘Only she can tell you.’
But that’s the problem, he thinks. She won’t. So where do they go from here? If she won’t let him help, how can he?
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Elena adds, ‘but I know you are a good man, Luke, that you want the best for her. That’s all you want for anyone, and if Jess can’t see that, it’s her loss. But I want you to know I appreciate all you’ve given me, all you are doing for me.’
He looks up at Elena. Her eyes are so warm and open. Why can’t his wife be more like that?
IRON
A chemical element which is one of the most common on the planet, known for its strength, durability and resilience. However, if not treated properly, it is prone to corrosion and rust.
