I blink. He just lied to me. Well, almost. He was very clever with his words. This is not the Luke I know and love.
‘The messages I saw weren’t about work.’
I’m surprised at how calm I am on the outside. Usually, in lieu of crying or getting sad about stuff, I just get angry. And it’s there, burning away under the surface, but I’m able to hover above it. For now.
His frown deepens and he unlocks his phone and messes around on it for a few seconds – opening the messages app, I guess – and then he starts to scroll. A moment later, he freezes. ‘Oh.’
‘Yes, oh.’
His eyes meet mine. ‘This isn’t how it looks. You have to trust me on that.’
My eyebrows rise. ‘I do, do I?’
Uh-oh. The zen-like hovering I’m doing above my rage is possibly about to undergo a crash landing.
‘It looks very much to me as if the two of you are extremely close,’ I add. ‘Much closer than either of you has let on, actually. I think you better explain to me, in very clear terms, exactly what is going on between you, or Iwillthink the worst.’
‘You think … You think I’m having anaffair? With Elena?’
If I wasn’t so angry, his wounded tone might have been funny.‘You’re so amazing, Elena … You’re so strong and brave … ’ I say, glaring at him. ‘And she misses you. She wants to hug you!’
Luke looks as if I’ve slapped him in the face, which is rich. ‘You read more than just those messages that arrived at dinner.’
‘Wouldn’t you? If you saw the ones I saw!’ Just because I’m a bag of restless energy and I need to move, I stride across the room to stare out of the window.
‘I think I’d be tempted, yes. But I would like to think I’d ask you about it before I jumped to conclusions.’
I spin around. ‘I did ask you! You said they were about work!’
In Luke’s eyes, I see the moment he slides off his high horse and meets me on even moral ground. ‘Fair enough. But there’s a reason for that—’
‘Did you mean the things you said to her? About being brave and beautiful and strong?’
He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look away. ‘Yes.’
Inside, I fold up like a concertina. ‘Of course you do,’ I mumble heavily. ‘She is all those things. Whywouldn’tyou feel that way?’
Oh, God. I’ve been kidding myself all this time, thinking I could be his Mrs Wonderful when, in reality, she is. It’s always been her. Even other people see it, think she and Luke are perfect together.
‘But just because I said those things to Elena, it doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with her! It doesn’t mean I don’t love you!’
‘And that’s supposed to make me feel better? That you love us both? That you can’t choose between us?’
Now Luke is the one striding around the room. It seems I’m annoying him as much as he is me. Good. ‘That’s not what I meant! I don’t love Elena. Not like that!’
We’re going round in circles, literally. I take a step sideways and collapse into one of the chairs next to the coffee table andput my head in my hands. ‘Then make this make sense, Luke! Is it an emotional affair, is that what it is? Is prickly, sarcastic Jess not enough for you and you need someone warmer and more giving?’
His voice is low and rough when he answers. ‘You know that’s not true.’
I snap my head up to look at him. ‘But that’s the point! No, I don’t! Not after what I saw this evening! Not after … ’
‘Not after what? What did I do?’
Not after you walked out on me saying you’d had enough five years from now, signalling very clearly that I can’t give you what you need.
I shake my head wearily. ‘It doesn’t matter.’ And it seems it really doesn’t. No matter what I do, how hard I try to change myself, it’s all going to end up the same way, isn’t it? ‘If it’s her you want, go to her. Just end it now. I don’t have it in me to drag this out anymore. I give up.’ I plant my face back in my hands.
‘You’re giving up on me?’ He has the nerve to sound pissed off.
