I also don’t mention that I suspect Mum’s move from a full-time role at the solicitors to a part-time role with a charity is because she’s finding it harder and harder to keep her drinking life separate from her work life. For so many years, she managed to compartmentalize, but I assume there may have been an ‘incident’ that prompted her recent career move.
I listen to Mum talk about the new office and why she doesn’t like the manager who’s there on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then she goes on to the next-door neighbour’s dog, who is always a source of irritation, and then on to plans for a trip away to a friend’s caravan in Bognor Regis. She doesn’t ask me about my life, but I’m used to that now, so when she pauses to take a sip of her cappuccino, I take the opportunity to speak up.
‘I’ll have to take you back in about half an hour,’ I tell her. ‘I need to pop to the big Tesco to get some supplies for this evening. I’m doing something special for Luke.’ And this wasn’t something I found planned out in the journal. This is something extra I decided on this morning, something to really make the effort for him from this version of me. I feel this is important.
Mum raises her eyebrows. ‘Oh? Why is that?’
I look down and stir my coffee, even though I added no sugar to it, because looking her in the eye might seem like I’m making a point that she hasn’t remembered or asked, and I’m not, but I do want her to take a bit of notice about what’s going on inmy life. ‘It’s our anniversary. Number two. Yay!’ My cheer sounds pathetic even to my own ears.
‘Oh, yes! Congratulations.’
‘I’m making Luke a picnic.’
‘A picnic?’ She makes me think that somehow this idea has offended her.
‘Yes.’
She shakes her head. ‘Luke should be spoiling you, not the other way around!’
‘We haven’t got the cash to spoil each other, no matter who’s doing it,’ I explain. I don’t point out the fact that the hundred and twenty pounds she’s just pocketed would’ve covered dinner at a half-decent restaurant. ‘Now Luke is working for his dad, we’ve had to tighten our belts a bit. The salary isn’t quite what he was getting in his corporate job.’
A corporate job he hated. Despite studying business at university, Luke’s dreams of being a titan of industry evaporated early. Maybe it was the firm he worked for. But he was finding the greyness of a City job, nine to five every day, draining. It didn’t help that his last boss was a total cow.
And then, seven months ago, Luke’s dad had a heart attack. He owns his own construction firm – just a small one, with a handful of guys and contractors working for him – but he was still on site a lot himself, and he had to take time off to recover. Luke worked alongside him as a Saturday job when he turned sixteen, and then Easter and summer holidays throughout university. It was either let the firm go under, or step up, so it wasn’t really a choice. This is the way it went last time, and it has happened the same way this time. I have no issues with it.
I remember it being hard not having as much money, especiallyas we weren’t overflowing with the stuff beforehand, and I had to put my budding idea of training to be a physiotherapist on ice for another year or so, but Luke had a spring in his step when he kissed me goodbye this morning, and that makes it worth it. There’s something about creating things with bricks and mortar that fills his soul in a way typing into a computer and doing presentation decks never did.
‘It’s such a gorgeous day,’ Mum says, ‘You should’ve had a picnic here for lunch. Much better than in the evening when the grass will be damp, and it’ll start getting chilly.’
‘That was my first thought, but Luke just couldn’t take the day off today.’
Mum frowns at me. ‘I know Luke is very dedicated to his family, and that’s all very commendable, but sometimes, Jess, you need to make sure he puts you first. It’s just one day out of the year. Surely he could manage that?’
I fold my arms, slightly annoyed Mum is being negative about Luke. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to her today; I’d have cut her out of my life completely. ‘Although Ed has been directing from the office over the last couple of months, he had his heart bypass surgery on Friday. Luke’s the only one holding the fort. Yes, it would have been nice to have the whole day together, but I totally understand.’
Even if it’s going to make it harder for me to change the direction of my marriage if we’ve only got a few short hours together. But, if I remember rightly, on our ‘first’ second anniversary, I don’t think we did much to celebrate. Luke’s dad was in the hospital, and it just didn’t seem the right time. We eventually ended up going out for dinner a couple of weeks later.
Mum seems slightly mollified, but she crosses her arms and sits back in her chair, looking steadily at me. ‘Just make sure that you’re not the only one putting the effort in, Jess. Don’t let him get complacent. That was the mistake I made – I gave myself over completely to a man, only for him to walk away and tell me it wasn’t enough. Maybe, if I’d made him work a bit harder from my love, he would’ve appreciated it more.’
‘Noted,’ I tell Mum. I can’t explain to her here and now, but I’m not going to take her advice. I wasn’t a good enough wife the first time around, but this time I’m going to be Mrs Fricking Wonderful.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
JESS
A large wicker basket is packed and ready on the kitchen table with a soft, checked blanket sitting on top. I hear Luke’s key in the front door, and I jump up from where I’m sitting, eager to see him. We only had a scant, sleepy half hour together before he left for work this morning.
He strolls into the kitchen as usual, glances briefly at the basket, throws his keys on the counter and delivers a quick peck to my waiting lips. ‘Just gonna dive into the shower and then I’m heading off to the hospital to see Dad.’
‘Oh!’
He’s already half turned to head upstairs when my exclamation stops him.
I didn’t mean to say it. It just kind of popped out. I smile weakly and wave a hand in the direction of the basket. ‘I … I kind of hoped we might have time to eat. I made a picnic. You know … ’ I laugh nervously ‘ … a budget celebration?’
Luke stares at the basket and then back at me. I can see he’s torn. ‘Oh, God, Jess … That looks amazing, but … ’
But …
