‘Ain’t that the truth? Apart from Lars, of course,’ she adds hurriedly, but I can’t be cross about that. I picked him for her.
She leads me to the sofa, makes me sit down, hands me a box of tissues, then waits patiently while I mop myself up. ‘What’s going on? Last I heard, you were in Cornwall with Gil.’
‘Devon,’ I snuffle. ‘And I came home early, because—’ I break off, not even knowing how I can explain it.
‘In that case, why aren’t you at the flat with Simon?’
I have to control my breathing to stop myself from crying. ‘It’s off … The wedding is off.’
She instantly pulls me into a fierce hug. ‘No! Oh, my God, Erin … What happened?’
I clamp everything down – lips, eyelids, jaw – in an effort to stop the Vesuvius inside from exploding. I havegotto get a grip of myself. It takes me close to a minute, but eventually I pull back and wipe my eyes, try to smile.
‘No …’ Anjali says, narrowing her eyes at me. ‘Don’t do that.’
‘Do what?’
‘Stuff it all down and paste a sparkly ‘Erin’ grin on top so everyone thinks you’re okay when you’re not.’
She knows I do that, too? Crap. ‘But Iwantto be okay.’
She shakes her head and smiles at me as if I’m a naughty but adorable schoolchild. I’m about to bristle when I realize it must be like looking in a mirror. How many times have I given Anjali that look? Suddenly, I’m ashamed of myself. Not only am I a total mess, but I’m a patronizing bitch, too.
‘And don’t do that either,’ she adds. ‘Sometimes, in fact, most times, I needed to hear what you had to tell me.’
I sit very still, aware I must be giving my thoughts away just by breathing. I feel raw, as if my skin has been peeled back and all I am is a bundle of exposed nerve endings. I have no idea what to do next. My usual options – pretence, self-loathing – have been snatched away from me.
‘You don’t have to deal with everything on your own, Erin. I’m here. I’ve always been here.’
I sniff loudly. ‘I know that.’ At least I do now.
‘So I am going to run you a bath, and then I’m going to make you a giant cup of hot chocolate while we watchPride and Prejudice, and then, when you are ready, you are going to tell me what this is all about.’
I nod, giving her a wobbly smile. It feels nice to be told what to do. ‘How did you get to be so wise and wonderful?’ I ask as she gets up to head for the bathroom.
She grins at me as she reaches the door. ‘Learned from the best, didn’t I?’
* * *
After we’ve watched the whole of the Netherfield Ball, I mute the TV and turn to Anjali. ‘Okay. I think I’m ready’
She nods encouragingly.
‘But it might be easier if you ask me questions, because seriously, I have no idea where to start.’
She stares at the ceiling for a second or two. ‘Okay, let’s start with the big one … Why is the wedding off?’
‘Because he’s been lying to me for the last five years.’ And then I recount, as precisely as I can, the conversation I had with Simon earlier today about his part in Megan’s death.
‘Do you think there’s any way back from this?’ she asks when I’ve finished. ‘Would you even want there to be?’
I study the paused image of Lizzy Bennet looking a bit peeved on the TV screen. ‘No. I don’t think there’s any coming back from it. I don’t remember saying this to Simon on the night I had my accident, but I told him I didn’t even know him, and I feel that way now. Our entire relationship has been based on lies.’
Anjali nods. ‘Let me play devil’s advocate here … He lied to you about something that happened before you were properly together. It doesn’t change who he is, does it? He’s still the same man you’ve loved for years.’
I shake my head. ‘I’m not sure about that either. Because that wasn’t the only thing he was lying about.’And I tell her what I found out about it not being Simon who was messaging me while I was away in the Bahamas that first season, and something strikes me, something I’d been too upset to figure out earlier. ‘Simon must have known. He knew Gil had his old phone. He knewhewasn’t messaging me, so when I came back and talked about all the things I thought I’d discussed with him in those messages, he had to have worked out at some point things weren’t adding up. And I’ve even told him, multiple times, that those messages made me fall in love with him. I mean, I came home and we slept together for the first time on the back of the romantic high I was on. He took advantage of that.’
Anjali pulls a face. ‘Putting it like that, it does sound pretty sleazy.’
