‘I can explain. Let me explain. Just let me know what’s going on in your head and I can put things right.’
My back straightens. ‘What’s going on in my head is that you’ve been lying to me. For five years, Gil! Why did you do it? Have you finally got the victory over me you’ve always wanted?You took advantage of me while I was really vulnerable and made me trust you with all my soul? Well, ha ha, Gil. I fell for it. You’ve won.’
I see the shutters come down behind his eyes the way I’ve seen them come down so many times in the past, usually when I’ve said something that I haven’t been proud of later.
‘You always think the worst of me, don’t you? Why is that?’
‘I judge you by your actions, Gil. So stop doing awful things and I’ll stop thinking you’re a cockroach.’
‘If you’d let me explain, you’d understand why I did what I did. It isn’t what you’re assuming. Let’s sit down, talk properly.’ He glances towards the open door of the living room.
‘You’d better hurry, because …’ I make a show of checking my phone for the time. ‘I’ve got a cab coming in three minutes. So don’t give me any of your excuses, Gil. I don’t care. Just tell me why you thought it was okay to impersonate my boyfriend when I was grieving and lonely. Tell me how that, in any shape or form, is an okay thing to do!’
I see Gil’s jaw clench and I know he’s losing his cool. It feels like victory, which is childish.
‘You really want to know why, Erin?’
I fold my arms and smile sweetly at him. ‘Yes, Gil. I really do.’
He shakes his head. ‘I don’t think you do. I don’t think you want to listen to anything I’ve got to say. Because you want to be right about me. You want to think I’m a monster.’
I let out a short dry laugh. ‘Why would I want the last five years of my life to be a constant lie? Why wouldn’t I want to think things were better between us, that maybe we could co-exist comfortably after Simon and I are married?’
I see a flash of something in his eyes as I say the last few words and a little muscle spasms in his cheek. ‘Because it’s safer for you that way. Deep down, you’ve always known why I make you uncomfortable, why you’ve never liked being around me.’
‘And why is that, oh wise one? Tell me what I don’t understand.’
I expect Gil to launch into his argument straight away, but he stares back at me. I get the feeling he’s weighing up what to say and then gearing himself up to say it.
He takes a step closer and my silly heart goes into overdrive. ‘Because there’s always been this hum between us, this tug. I can see inside you sometimes, past all the polish to the unvarnished truth, and I know you’ve never liked it. It made you uncomfortable.’
‘Well, that’s … I don’t think …’ I trail off, unable to come up with a logical or honest retort.
‘And I think you could do the same with me, if you only chose to look. But I think you stopped yourself. I think youchosenot to look, although I never understood why. I’m not afraid for you to see, Erin. I don’t need you to see me as perfect. I only need you what’s real …’
I step back. He’s right. That idea makes me nervous, and I don’t know why. We need our layers of protection, don’t we? Like that conch I found in my dream. Without its shell, that little soft, vulnerable creature wouldn’t be able to survive.
‘I can’t …’ I mutter.
‘Can’t or won’t?’ he asks, echoing what I once asked him.
‘Both,’ I whisper.
I see the frustration wash through him, but he doesn’t push. Instead, he returns to my earlier question. ‘You want to know why I messaged you while you were away,why I spent hours talking to you, being there for you when you needed someone?’
My insides are quivering like jelly. I’m not sure I do, but I don’t want to admit that, so I set my shoulders. ‘Tell me.’
Gil waits a couple of heartbeats before he answers. He closes the distance between us until I can feel his warmth radiating towards me. But he doesn’t reach out. He doesn’t touch. Those steel shutters he often puts up come down. I see it in his eyes, even though his focus doesn’t waver.
‘I did it because I fell in love with you more than five years ago, Erin.’
My mouth falls open. I don’t even try to find any words.
‘And I am still in love with you. Possibly more than ever. As much as I’ve tried to move on, find someone else … I haven’t. It was always and only you.’
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR
Present Day
