I open my eyes again. ‘You want the truth, Gil?’
He gives a curt nod of his head.
‘Well, the truth is that I haveneverbetrayed you.’
His eyebrows rise. ‘You haven’t had sex with him? Not since we’ve been together.’
‘N-no …’ I stammer. And it’s true. As far as I know, this Erin has never been tempted by Simon since she got together with Gil. ‘But I love him.’
There. I’ve said it. Laid my truth out there. I thought there would be a raw spot left behind where it had been ripped from me, but I feel surprisingly numb, surprisingly light. Maybe that’s why more comes pouring out from inside me.
‘And I can’t lie to you any more, Gil. I thought I could pretend, thought I could make it right, but I can’t. And I’m sorry … So sorry.’ I bury my face in my hands and sob. When I’ve got it together enough to speak again, I look up at him. ‘And you’re right – I shouldn’t have gone through with the wedding, no matter how hard it would have been. I should have said something sooner.’
But it appears Gil has no appetite for being right this evening, because he just looks at me as if I’m something he should wipe off the bottom of his shoe and then he turns, walks off the deck and disappears into the night.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Present Day
It’s over fourteen hours before I see Gil again. I’ve practically been wearing a rut in the white painted floorboards of the cottage’s living room, pacing backwards and forwards in front of the French doors, waiting for him to return. Just after eleven, I hear the main door slam and I stand up.
Gil is still wearing the same dark trousers and dark shirt he had on last night and he looks as if he got about just as much sleep as I did. None.
I want to ask him where he’s been, if he’s okay, but I also know the bombshell I dropped last night gives me no right to ask those questions, no right to ask anything of him at all.
He strides past me through the sitting room without looking at me, jams a pod in the machine, and presses a button. When his coffee is ready, he takes it straight outside to the terrace.
Okay. So this is how it’s going to be. From enemies to not-quite-lovers to enemies again.
I hover in the doorway. Gil is facing away from me, deliberately, I guess, and I can’t blame him. If this were real life and I was in his shoes, I would do the same. No, scratch that. I’m not sure I could be this restrained.If Simon did this to me after our wedding, I think I’d push him over the deck railing.
But Gil has always been like this. One thing that I both admire about him but also irritates me the most is his iron-clad self-control. But I’ve never really understood it. Where was it that one night when he really needed it? The night of Megan’s accident? I’ve never even seen a chink in his armour since, but maybe that’s why. Maybe he feels worse about it than I give him credit for. Maybe he was determined to change, to atone in some way.
The hours tick by. Gil drinks three more cups of coffee, which I want to tell him is probably not good for his nerves, but I daren’t open my mouth and he says nothing to me. In fact, he doesn’t even look at me. It’s excruciating.
Evening closes in, and when it gets to about nine o’clock, my stomach rumbles. I’ve eaten nothing all day while I’ve been tiptoeing on eggshells around Gil. The room service menu is on the coffee table, so I pick it up, but it takes me ten minutes to pluck up the courage to venture out onto the deck. Gil is sitting at the little table near the railing, a row of empty miniature glass bottles lined up in front of him. From the order, I’d guess he started off with the whisky and bourbon, went on to tequila, gin and vodka and now has only vermouth left.
I clear my throat. ‘Do you … do you want something to eat? I was thinking of ordering room service.’ I’m definitely not in the mood to be seen in public, and I doubt he is either.
He turns his head slowly and looks at me for the first time today. ‘Fine.’
‘What do you want? I was thinking about getting—’
‘Whatever. I don’t care, Erin. Order whatever you like.’
I flinch at his tone. Usually, I’ll rush in if someone is annoyed with me, do or say something to defuse the situation and make things right, but I need to stick to my truth now I’ve said it, no matter how uncomfortable it is. But that doesn’t mean sitting in this fraught atmosphere isn’t chipping away at me. I’ve got to find some way to reach a truce with him, for his sake as well as mine.
‘I never wanted to hurt you,’ I say with a lump in my throat. ‘But I can’t help what I feel.’
He shoots me a savage look. ‘For Simon.’
I bite my lip and nod.
‘I hope the irony’s not lost on you – that those are the exact words I said to you the night we got together.’
Of course, I have no memory of this so I just keep quiet.
He shakes his head, his mouth twisting into a harsh smile. ‘I can’t believe what an idiot I was. Even though you’d been broken up with Simon for months, I held off telling you how I felt out of loyalty to him. Misguided loyalty, as it turns out.’
