‘Back together? Why were you the only one who knew we’d broken up? And if you were that into me, how come Gil ended up messaging me in the first place?’
He gives me a helpless look. ‘All I can say is that I was young. Stupid. That I didn’t realize what I had until you’d practically slipped through my fingers. When you came back and surprised me, it changed everything.’
‘You didn’t answer my question.’
‘How Gil ended up messaging you?’
I nod.
‘I broke his phone, so I gave him mine, and then I ended up buying another one.’
‘You could have bought him the new one instead of giving him one of your cast-offs,’ I say.
Simon’s eyebrows lift in surprise and he laughs nervously. ‘I suppose I could have done. You know, I really didn’t think of that?’
Why am I not surprised? ‘When did this happen?’
‘Oh, God … It was so long ago. Um … Let me think … I dunno … around November time?’
‘But why didn’t he tell me he had your phone? Why didn’t you? There wasn’t any need for the charade at all!’
Simon coughs. ‘Yeah, well … I kinda thought you’d get the message that things were fizzling out between us, but Gil said I should tell you, because you kept messaging him thinking he was me. To be honest, I thought he was just finding it annoying, and it wasn’t such a big deal. Anyway, yes, I suppose I knew I needed to be honest with you, but I kept putting it off.’ He drains his coffee cup and puts it back down on his saucer. ‘He got quite angry with me about it. Said he’d had to send a few short replies because you were so upset or worried, but I didn’t know you two had been talking at length.’
‘You must have worked out it was more than a couple of quick messages eventually. I told you I fell in love with you while I was away that first year! Did you think that was just going to happen from a few “Hey, babe … can’t talk now. I’m off to the pub” messages?
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. ‘Yeah, but I didn’t work out just how deep those messages had gone until months later, and by then we were already in a pretty solid relationship. Stupidly, I hoped you might like me for me by that point.’
‘Don’t turn this on me,’ I snap back at him. He’d been doing so well until now. I’d been quite proud of the fact he was actually laying it all out there rather than trying to minimize or deflect. ‘And maybe I would have liked you for you if you’d ever opened up and let me see the real you instead of hiding behind Gil.’
‘Yeah, okay … Sorry.’
I stare out across the park at the sky, tracking the fluffy trails from planes that have long since passed while I work out how to frame what I want to say. ‘You always do that, don’t you?’
‘What?’
‘You use Gil. You bask in his reflected glory.’ I stop and laugh at my blindness. ‘I always thought it was the other way around.’
‘I know you hate me at the moment, but I’m not that cynical. Gil’s my friend because he’s the sort of person I’d like to be.’
‘I don’t hate you,’ I tell him.
Simon looks relieved, but confused. ‘You don’t? I pretty much hate myself at the moment. I’ve ruined your life!’
‘I’m disappointed. And I’m very sad, but you haven’t ruined my life. Marrying me under false pretences would have done that. No one deserves to not know the person they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with.’
Simon studies me. ‘No, I suppose I never really let you see me. I was too afraid you wouldn’t like what was underneath. But I don’t think you really ever let me see you either.’
I dip my head, aware he’s called it right, too.
‘You might not have missed out, but I did,’ he says. ‘I always knew you were smart, capable, generous. And I knew I liked the way you looked after me, but now I can see how strong you are. You amaze me, Erin …’ He trails off, and I can tell where his brain is going. I hope he’s not stupid enough to ask again if I’ll go back to him.I’m relieved when he merely adds, ‘I really messed it up, didn’t I?’
‘Yes. But I don’t know if you truly want me, even now. It only seems to be something that happens when you think you can’t have me.’
He lets out a low chuckle. ‘Ah … Maybe that’s true. I’m a fickle bastard.’ He leans forward to catch my eye. ‘But even though there’s no road ahead for us, I want you to know I’ve learned a lot from this whole situation, about how I want to live my life going forward.’
‘That’s good.’ I can see the seeds of change, but I don’t fully trust Simon will allow them to grow into anything more. He’s always full of unrealistic optimism at this part of the mess up/redemption cycle.
I take the last sip of my coffee and push my chair back. ‘I hope you find happiness in your future, Simon. In whatever shape it comes in.’ And I mean this. I might not want this man in my life any more, but I don’t wish him ill.
