Of course, this kind of thing had been easy to recite in a therapy session, but it was a lot harder when Justin’s fingers burned on my wrist, when his breath was sour and angry in my face.
He was still ranting, I realised, about his funding and how the company was probably going to close, but then he started on a subject that caused me to go still and invisible, to try and make him believe I wasn’t standing right next to him.
‘If I find out who that vicious bitch is, I’ll make her life a living hell,’ he was saying. ‘I combed through Paulina’s account for days, seeing what she liked and commented on, and it was this lying tart’s videos that started her off …’
The sound began to blur again then. It was like watching the television with the volume down. I could see his mouth moving, even make sense of the words, but all I could hear was a violent rushing in my own ears. I knew it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but his face began to seem like a mask, twisting into more and more grotesque shapes. It was all I could pay attention to, even though I knew I needed to do something, that this wasn’t going to end well if I stood there like a rabbit frozen in the headlights.
But then the mask froze; his eyes became glassy, widening in realisation.For a moment, we were suspended in time, and then his eyeballs swivelled and he looked at me, seemingly into my soul. ‘It was you …’ he whispered, too shocked in that second even to be angry.
It probably should have been an insult that he hadn’t considered me capable of making those videos before, but I was too scared to be offended. I don’t know how he’d worked it out but he had. Probably because he’d had this weird sixth sense when it came to me, as if I was made of glass and he could see straight inside me, no matter how hard I tried to hide what I was thinking and feeling. Probably what made me such an attractive target in the first place.
I had a millisecond of shocked stillness to act, and I made the most of it, wrenching my hand out of his grasp, just catching a glimpse of his expression as it changed from astonishment to something darker and much more murderous. I thought I’d seen the worst Justin had to offer – but I’d never seen him like this. He was right; he’d never laid a finger on me while we’d been married, but now every nerve and muscle in his body seemed primed to strike.
Somehow I put some distance between us, heard the beep of the lock as my fob waved over it, and I managed to slide inside and throw my weight against the door. Justin did the same from the other side and for a horrifying second I thought all was lost, but I’d started pushing first, and the momentum was enough to hear the lock click into place. I saw Justin’s face through the glass as he shouted obscenities at me, and then I turned and ran, taking two stairs at a time as I fled for my first-floor flat.
I didn’t stop at locking and triple-bolting the door, especially as I could still hear the enraged banging from downstairs.I dropped my bag, kicked off my heels, and sprinted for my bathroom. Once inside, I locked the door then sat huddled, my knees pulled into my chest, against the bath. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the noise coming from the garden below.
I knew I needed to call the police, that I needed to get myself somewhere safe, but my phone was in my bag, sitting by the front door. Stupid, stupid, stupid … So I just sat there, shivering.
I don’t know how much time passed. I heard other noises in the building. Voices shouting, both male and female. And then, eventually, everything went quiet.
Still, I didn’t move.
Justin was clever. It was how he’d got away with what he had for so long. And he knew how to be patient. Just because it was quiet, it didn’t mean he wasn’t still there somewhere in the shadows, watching … waiting …
In that moment, I wished Icouldfloat outside myself again, that I could drift above the garden, waiting for the dawn, checking every bush and shadowy corner. I could make sure Justin really had gone away.
And then, somehow, I was doing it.
I was standing by the bathroom door, staring at the pathetic creature curled up against the bath, somehow outside and inside myself at once.
No. I know I said I wanted this, but I don’t, I really don’t. Not again. Not after all this time …
It’s the only way to keep you safe.The thought travelled from the version of myself standing at the bathroom door to the other me sitting on the floor.You know that, don’t you?
I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell her to stay, to fight Justin, not to run away yet again, but I couldn’t. For a long time, I didn’t say anything, but finally I nodded. ‘Go …’ I whispered, and then I closed my eyes and let the blessed blackness envelop me.
Chapter Sixty
Now.
LILI SAT ON the flapped-down toilet lid, shaking, her head in her hands. She’d come in here to have some time alone because Lo was hovering when she should be enjoying her wedding day, and neither of her parents wanted to let her out of their sight. Hardly surprising, given that she’d caused a bit of a scene when the wedding photos were being taken.
The last thing she remembered before that moment was huddling in her bathroom after the hen night, the echoes of Justin’s pounding on the front door echoing through her head. She’d never been so terrified in her whole life – and after three years with Justin, that was saying something. It was as if she’d been teleported from the darkest moment she’d ever experienced right into the middle of her sister’s wedding. Whowouldn’tfreak out if that happened to them?
Her dad had taken her aside and explained the memory loss to her, but she still couldn’t get her head around it. She’d disappeared and ended up inScotland? It just didn’t sound real.
And being back at Hadsborough Castle wasn’t helping. Why hadn’t she told Lo it reallywasa big deal when Isaac had set his heart on this venue?Probably because, last summer, she’d been in denial, telling herself Justin was part of her past and not her future. If she’d been aware of how bad he was going to get, she’d never have brushed her misgivings under the carpet.
A soft knock on the cubicle door made her jump up as if she’d been electrocuted. ‘Lil? Are you in there? Are you okay?’
Lili placed a palm against her thudding breastbone, swiped at her tear-stained cheeks and opened the door.
‘Oh, sis …’ Lo said when she saw her and drew her into a hug. ‘I am so, so glad that you remember us all again, but I know this must be really hard for you.’ She pulled back to look at her. ‘Do you want me to cut the reception short so we can take you to a doctor? We can have a big party another time. You know, like people do when they get married abroad.’
‘No, please don’t do that,’ Lili said huskily. ‘I’ve ruined enough of your wedding day as it is.’
‘Okay, but once we’ve cut the cake and had the first dance, I’m asking Kerry to take you back to Mum and Dad’s. To be honest, you’ll be doing me a favour if you get her out of here. Do you remember that birthday party where she did the “Thriller” dance, zombie shuffled a bit too convincingly and fell over, taking out a whole table?’
