I stood there, not exactly frozen but not exactly able to move either. It was like I was disconnected from myself somehow. Not floating above, like some people say they do. It was like there was a ‘me’ that was there with Justin, letting him undress me, feeling the familiar tingle of desire even after all that had happened, but also another ‘me’, one who was more like a blank sheet of paper, standing looking on, inside of myself and outside of myself at the same time.
She was there the whole time Justin made love to me, watching me stare past his shoulder, a confused expression on my face. If Justin noticed that I wasn’t as into it as he was, he didn’t say or do anything to indicate it. He just kept going as he always did, until he’d given himself – and me – what he thought we both wanted.
Afterwards, when his breathing had softened and he’d rolled away from me, the two ‘me’s stared at each other. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t have to. And then, the blank me, the empty me, nodded, then turned and walked out the door.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Now.
ALICE PEEPED AROUND the edge of the yew hedge, surveying the main path from near the maze entrance. ‘Coast’s clear.’ She and Ben began walking swiftly but silently towards the gift shop courtyard. It was made up of two-storey, mock-Tudor buildings, entered by wide arches on three of the four sides. They sheltered in the shadows of the one overlooking the lawn sloping down to the Tithe Barn, about two hundred metres away.
‘I can see movement inside,’ Alice whispered, gesturing towards the glass-fronted building, now glowing bright in the twilight. ‘More people … But I’m not sure if it’s rehearsal guests or staff getting ready for their arrival.’
‘If we make a dash for it and it’s just staff in there, they might call security again, and we’ll be kicked out before we get a chance to talk to any of the guests. Best to hold off for now.’
‘Okay,’ she replied, with more than a wobble in her stomach. ‘In that case, we should wait until the very last moment. Then at six-thirty on the dot, it’s all stations go.’
Ben nodded. ‘Agreed.’
It crossed her mind that they could wait there all night in vain.Perhaps the wedding had been called off after all? However, just after six twenty-five, they heard voices further up the path and ducked further into the courtyard, tucking themselves behind the ice cream kiosk just inside the entrance. Moments later, a group of five or six people walked past the archway, talking amongst themselves. They were followed by a slightly larger group, and then a minute or so later, a couple of stragglers brought up the rear.
Just after they passed, Alice slipped out of her ice-cream stand hiding place and back into the shadowy nook of the archway, hoping to get a closer look. She sensed Ben join her as one of them said to his companion, ‘Do you think they found her yet?’
The other guy shrugged. ‘Dunno … My gut feeling is it’s all going to be called off, but we had to turn up tonight anyway and show support.’
The first guy pointed towards the front of the barn. ‘There’s the poor bastard, standing outside.’
A lone figure had emerged and was standing just beyond the brightly lit entrance, little more than a silhouette. He shook hands with some guests and kissed the others on the cheek before ushering them inside.
Was that him? Was that the groom?Hergroom? Alice edged a little closer to Ben.
Another small group of guests passed them, too intent on getting to their destination to spot two people skulking in the shadows, and then it was quiet again. When the man outside the Tithe Barn had finished greeting them, he stuffed his hands into his pockets, then began to walk away from the barn, head down. He looked lonely, Alice thought, maybe even a little bit sad.
This was her chance.
Her stomach quivered. She was at a threshold, she realised. In this moment, she was Alice, the woman who’d travelled with Ben for five hundred miles, who’d cried and laughed with him, who’d pelted him with snowballs. She’d slept in unfamiliar places, hitched lifts, raced for buses, even busked within a stone’s throw of Kensington Palace.
She liked being Alice, or at least who she was starting to discover this person was. But that could end in a few moments. She’d be a different woman with a different name, a different life. The thought sent a shiver through her. It would be as if Alice had died. She looked at Ben and realised there was one last thing she needed to do here, in this life, before it became only a memory.
Raising herself onto her tiptoes, she placed her hands on either side of his face, brushing the soft hair above his ears with her thumbs. His skin was warm beneath her fingers, and she heard his breath catch. Before she could talk herself out of it, she kissed him, slowly and softly, and it was exactly as she imagined it would be. Maybe even the way a part of her remembered. If only she could remember the rest. She’d do anything to have that time in London with him back.
But that was why she was here, wasn’t it? To get her memory back, so with great difficulty, she eased herself away from him and let her hands fall to his chest. When she had the courage to open her eyes, she found him staring back at her. This big, capable man who always seemed to know what to do in any given situation looked completely floored.
The air around them contracted and pulsed. She couldn’t look away.
‘Hey! What are you two doing here? I thought I told you to—’
She whipped her head round to see Mason, the humourless security guard, striding towards them across the courtyard.
Ben grabbed her by the shoulder, a look of desperation in his eyes. ‘Run!’ he said. ‘I’ll keep him busy.’ And then he took off in the opposite direction to the barn, back through the courtyard towards the advancing security guard.
Mason was taken by surprise, almost losing his balance as Ben shot past him. He looked first at her and then at the tall man sprinting away from him. Alice knew if she stayed where she was a moment longer, the guard would head straight for her – she was definitely the easier target – so before he turned back again, she did exactly what Ben asked her to do. She ran. Away from Ben and towards the man she might very well be about to marry.
Ben moved as fast as his legs could carry him. He veered right to miss barrelling into the security guard, then ran towards the courtyard exit leading to the moat and castle. He had to keep Alice safe.
Glancing over his shoulder, he realised with relief that the burly security guard was keeping pace behind him rather than pursuing Alice. Now, if only he could get to the …
Uh-oh.
