We were a small party, only seven of us. Lo, plus her best friend Maddy, and then four of my old school friends, whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. It wasn’t until I’d had to put a guest list together that I realised how few friends I had, especially female ones. I hadn’t really made any at the Conservatory, and after that, I’d been pretty much a hermit. Nowadays, nearly all my time was spent with Justin, and I lived in a different part of London, so I supposed it was hardly surprising.
However, I was enjoying celebrating with people my age, being silly and not thinking about what the most elegant or well-mannered thing to do was. After all the stress of preparing for the wedding, it was a wonderful way to let off steam.
‘I know!’ Lo yelled, even though we were sitting very close together at our table. ‘Let’s go to a club!’
The rest of the girls began throwing out possible names, but I leaned closer to Lo and said, ‘I told Justin I’d be home by eleven.’
‘Oh, come on … You love dancing. And it’s your hen night. Besides,’ Lo added, waggling her eyebrows, ‘I’ve got a surprise lined up.’
When I saw the naughty smirk she was wearing, my stomach dropped. ‘Lo … No strippers! We agreed that, remember?’ Justin had been very clear about that.
My sister mimed crossing her heart with her finger. ‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ she said, her eyes wide and innocent. ‘Come on … We’re having such fun!’ She leaned in, put her arm around me, and gave me a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek. Yep. Lo had definitely had quite a few cocktails. However, the alcohol had loosened us both up a little bit, and I was enjoying laughing with my sister after the months of frostiness.
‘Let me go and call Justin.’ I stood up so I could go and find a quieter spot.
‘Just send a text!’ Lo said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back down again.
‘No, it would be better if I call. Justin’s just a bit sensitive after all the things his ex put him through.’ Also, I knew I needed to lay the groundwork, break it to him the right way so he wouldn’t get upset later on. It was much better to head things off at the pass than have to deal with one of his moods.
It took me about twenty minutes to convince Justin I’d be all right staying out longer. I could tell he really didn’t want me to, but Lo was right. It was my hen night. When was I ever going to get to do this again?
Lo lied. We did indeed go to a club, and there were indeed strippers. She had a whale of a time egging them on. I vacillated between cringing and laughing and was glad when the whole thing was over so we could get back to dancing. Lo had been right about that too – I really did love to dance.
More cocktails were consumed, and when we spilled out onto the chilly street outside the club, to join the queue for taxis, I looked at my phone and gasped. ‘It’s two-thirty! Justin is going to be frantic!’
Lo swayed on her stilettos and placed a palm on a nearby lamppost to steady herself. The other girls were deep in some gossip about someone they all knew back in Penge. ‘Sensitive, my arse,’ she said, blinking slowly and trying to focus on my face. ‘That man is controlling.’
Really? This again? ‘Don’t start, Lo.Please.We’ve had such a nice night …’
Lo held her hands up in surrender. ‘Okay, okay. I didn’t mean to … you know.’
I sighed. I did know. My little sister was a straight shooter, and nothing was going to change that. And while it irritated me no end, I knew she wasn’t coming from a bad place.
‘But don’t you think he’s just a little …?’
Unfortunately, drunk Lo was even more reluctant to let things lie than Sober Lo. The only way I could think of to shut this conversation down once and for all was to face the matter head on, just this once. ‘Okay,’ I said firmly, so she knew I was making an important point. ‘Maybe he is alittlecontrolling. But it comes from his past. He’s still healing. And I love him, Lo. Mum said I needed to learn to take the rough with the smooth, so that’s what I’m trying to do. In time, I’ll prove to him how much I love him, and things will change. He’ll feel more secure.’
Lo looked away, weighing up her next words, I guessed, then looked back at me. ‘You don’t think how he acts sometimes – and I’m sure I only see the tip of the iceberg – is a little worrying?’
‘I know he’s high-maintenance, but so am I – you’ve always said so.’
Lo rolled her eyes, and then one side of her mouth hitched up in a smile. ‘Well … you are.’
‘You don’t see the side of him that I see.’
Although Justin had been super picky about anything to do with the wedding recently, everything else had been fine since the day of my dress fitting. It was just like when we’d first been together,and finally, I’d thought,This is what it’s supposed to feel like just before your wedding.We were in a really good place, ready to put the wrinkles of the past behind us.
‘He’s being so sweet and caring at the moment. I’ve lost count of the number of flowers he’s bought me, and he’s always taking me out, buying me nice things …’ I saw Lo’s face and knew instantly where her mind had gone, so I quickly added, ‘and it’s not about the money. That’s just an outward show of how he feels about me. He’s so supportive: he listens to me when I need him to, tells me I need to believe in myself more …’ I trailed off, unsure of what more I could say to convince her.
Lo swayed again as she tried to reach out and touch me. She missed the first time but then grabbed onto my coat sleeve. ‘I’m only saying this because I love you, because I’m looking out for you … Sometimes I wonder if his behaviour isn’t a little abusive.’
I was so shocked by what my sister said that I laughed really loudly, causing a couple of other people in the queue to turn round to see what was going on. ‘What? No! What are you talking about? Justin has never hit me. Don’t be daft.’
Lo took her hand off me and concentrated on balancing as the queue moved forwards. ‘Abuse can be more than just hitting, Lil. It’s about patterns of behaviour, about control, about erasing someone’s sense of self so completely that they are totally under your spell.’
‘No. You’re wrong. It’s not like that between him and me. What makes you such an expert, anyway?’
‘Remember that girl I worked with a few years ago – Priya? Well, she had a girlfriend who was like that with her. I dunno …’ She shrugged and raised her hands, which was a bit more than her impaired balance centre could handle,and she had to step back to stop herself from falling over. ‘Sometimes, Justin gives me the same vibe.’
