However, as I stood in front of the long mirrors, the dressmaker checking and adjusting the fit, I began to doubt my choice. The lace at the top of the bodice rose into a high collar, and while it wasn’t cheap, scratchy stuff, I kept wanting to undo the button to allow myself to breathe.
‘You look beautiful,’ Lo said behind me.
I looked at our reflections in the mirror and smiled at her. Maybe I was making a fuss over nothing. I’d blown most of Mum and Dad’s wedding budget on this dress, seeing as Justin had insisted on covering almost everything else,and I had a feeling it would be a double blow to their pride if I said I wanted something different. Even if I did, there was no money or time to go back to the drawing board now.
Besides, I wasn’t sure it was the dress that was the problem. Lo was right. It looked amazing. So what if it chafed a little, if it didn’tfeelright. No pain, no gain, right?
When I caught Lo’s gaze again, she was looking thoughtful. ‘You okay?’
I nodded. ‘The dress is perfect.’
‘I wasn’t asking about the dress. I was asking about you.’
That was the problem. I didn’t know how I was. If I was honest, the fact I’d wandered off, found myself somewhere else over an hour later scared me. Even if I tried, I couldn’t remember anything that had happened between Kensington and Penge East. It was as if I’d completely zoned out and done everything on automatic.
‘I’m fine,’ I said and went back to studying myself in the mirror, wishing I could airbrush away the dark circles under my eyes. I didn’t look much like a glowing bride today.
Then I had the strangest sensation … I felt as if I was standing outside myself, looking on, and someone else was standing in a wedding dress in front of the mirror. Even when I snapped back into myself, looked myself in the eye, there was still a lingering feeling that it was a different person staring back at me. Someone I didn’t know.
I reached for the buttons on the collar and asked Lo to undo the back of the dress. I needed to get out of it. Now.
‘Justin’s probably getting bored in that café across the road,’ I said, as we peeled it off me and I handed it back to the designer.I got back into my normal clothes, said goodbye to my sister and went to find my fiancé.
When we got back into the privacy of his car, he reached across and laid his warm palm on my thigh. I looked across at him.
‘Now we’re alone, there’s something I need to talk to you about …’
‘I’m not showing you a picture of the dress, no matter how hard you beg me.’
Justin didn’t smile at my feeble attempt at a joke. ‘You really gave me a scare earlier on, Angel. I had no idea where you were.’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to explain what happened. I just kind of … drifted off … and the next thing I knew I was getting off the train at Penge.’
‘You know that’s not normal, right?’
I did, but I stayed very still, my gaze focused on my hands sitting in my lap.
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, Angel, but I think that maybe when we get back from St Lucia, you ought to see someone.’
I looked up. ‘See someone?’
‘A professional. Someone who can understand what’s going on inside your head and with your emotions. Someone who can help untangle it all for you.’
‘You think … You think I need psychiatric help?’
‘Possibly.’
‘Oh.’ I looked down to where his hand was rhythmically stroking my thigh. ‘I thought it was just wedding stress,’ I mumbled. ‘I thought I’d be okay once the wedding was over.’
‘Maybe it is,’ he said, but his eyes told me he wasn’t sure he believed that. ‘But we need to make sure, okay?’
I fought back the urge to cry because that would only cement his opinion that I was horribly broken, wouldn’t it? If I got all emotional and upset about him suggesting something so caring? And aside from today, I had been feeling a bit … well, low, recently. I should welcome this chance, shouldn’t I? See it as a positive.
‘Don’t be sad, Angel,’ he said, hooking a finger under my chin and gently lifting it so I could meet his eyes. ‘I’ll be right beside you. I’m here for you … No matter what.’
Chapter Forty-Four
Now.
