She stalled for a moment, and then she followed his gaze. Oh, the light! Feeling her cheeks heat, she clambered back into her bed, reached over, and turned out the light.
‘Night,’ he said softly.
‘Night,’ she whispered back.
When she finally fell asleep again, her hand was closed around the tiny silver bee on the end of the chain around her neck.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Six months before the wedding.
THE TEXTS FROM Justin didn’t stop completely, but they did slow to a trickle. I only replied to one, standing my ground about needing space, telling him I was going to stay at my parents’ another night. The following morning, a bouquet of red roses arrived. It was so huge I could hardly see the delivery guy struggling to hold them. I thanked him and took them through to the kitchen so I could read the card.
To my darling Angel – I love you more than I can express. Justin x.
I read it three times and then carefully tucked it into my jeans pocket, and later, when a text arrived asking if I’d received them, I almost called him back. But when I pictured myself standing on that stage, the silence cloying around me as I waited for the backing track to play, Justin silently begging me to help him from the front row, I put my phone down again.
Just as I’d been struggling to reconcile the two versions of Justin in my head, I now felt as if there were two versions of myself. One was Justin’s ‘Angel’, and the other was a suspicious, paranoid little devil. They were waging war against one another.
Lo disappeared off to Bluewater shopping centre and didn’t invite me to go with her, so while I tried to work it all out, I mooched around the house in joggers and an oversized T-shirt that Justin would have described as ‘hideous’.
Mum got fed up with me getting under her feet while she was trying to do her Saturday clean and suggested I go and have a bath to help me chill out.
I’d only been in the tub for about five minutes when the doorbell rang, followed by persistent knocking.
‘Hold your horses!’ I heard Dad yell, followed by Mum telling him to calm down and that she’d get it. I was just about to settle back down into the suds with my book when I heard a different voice in the mix. Justin’s.
What was he doing here?
I stayed there, frozen for a few seconds, and then I put my hands on the edge of the tub and pushed myself out of the water. Once I’d wrapped a towel around myself, I tiptoed along the landing and peered around the wall to look down the stairs. I was hidden from Justin’s view but Mum spotted me and shot me an enquiring look.
I shook my head. I didn’t know if I was ready to see him yet, especially not when he’d turned up out of the blue and I’d had no chance to prepare myself.
But instead of asking Justin to leave, Mum ushered him into the living room, where they started talking with Dad. The door was closed, so I couldn’t hear the exact words spoken, but it was clear Justin was talking passionately and emphatically. When the door finally opened again, I flattened myself against the wall so I couldn’t be seen from the bottom of the stairs and held my breath.
‘She’s her own worst enemy,’ I heard Justin say as he exited the living room and walked towards the front door. ‘I want so much for her to believe in herself the way I do, and I know that causes friction. She’s wasting her time with all this busking, but I can’t get her to see that.’
Mum’s tone was puzzled. ‘You don’t think it’s helping, even though she’s finally managing to play in front of an audience?’
‘No. I think it’s another version of what she did last night. She’s running away when things get too difficult, choosing what’s safe and familiar instead of challenging herself. I know she’s capable of more.’
Dad made what might sound like a non-committal noise to the untrained ear, but I could tell it was a huff of agreement.
‘Will you let her know I’m ready when she is?’
‘Of course,’ Mum said. ‘Bye, love …’
His words touched me. Hearing him say it to my parents somehow made it seem more reasonable, more logical. After all, he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t care, would he? And he always had been so supportive of my music. Why was I doubting his motives now?
‘Wait!’ I said, jumping from my hiding place.
Justin was standing at the bottom of the stairs, and my eyes met his. ‘I’m ready. If you can wait a moment while I get dressed, we can talk now.’
He nodded, and I turned and ran back to my bedroom. A quick check of my wardrobe revealed there were plenty of my clothes there, but none of them seemed right. They were things the ‘old’ me would have chosen – bohemian and individual, yes, but also cheap and poorly made. Anything Justin would have liked was hanging in the dressing room in Kensington.I ended up following his rules for effortless style as much as possible, sticking to jeans and a white T-shirt and leaving the accessories alone.
When I came back down, he was standing where I’d left him at the bottom of the stairs. Mum and Dad had made themselves scarce, so he cut a lonely figure. I felt a pang of sadness. I’d been selfish again, hadn’t I? Thinking about myself and my feelings and hardly giving any thought to his.
‘Would you like to go for a walk?’ I said. The weather wasn’t wonderful for August. The air was warm but slightly sticky, the overcast sky keeping the humidity high. Rain would be more welcome than not, but there wasn’t really anywhere to go away from listening ears inside our house.
