Mum thought for a moment. ‘Did he intend to hurt you?’
‘No … He said he was trying to help me. I just … I suppose I didn’t appreciate the way he went about it.’ Hearing those words coming out of my mouth made me question my dramatic exit from the flat. Was I overreacting? Should I accept what Justin said and forgive him? Part of me wanted that more than anything but another part was stubbornly clinging to the idea that this was something important, that I shouldn’t ignore it, even though I couldn’t really put it into words.
‘I suppose what you have to ask yourself is this …’ Mum reached for the biscuit tin, took the lid off and offered me a Hobnob. ‘Is the rough so bad that you can’t put up with the smooth?’
No,I answered silently. As much as I hated this fight I’d had with Justin, I still loved him. I still wanted to be with him. And that’s what Mum was saying, wasn’t it? That sometimes, you have to compromise, you have to tuck away what you want, and think about the other person. So far, all I’d done since storming out of the flat was think about myself.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Now.
THEY’D MET BEFORE?
Alice studied Ben’s expression for a hint that she’d misheard him or that he was telling a horrendously inappropriate joke, but she saw the truth in his eyes. ‘No,’ she said, although she had no idea what question she was answering. Keeping her gaze locked on him, she scrabbled out from under the covers and away from the bed. She didn’t want this. She wanted him to take it back.
Because for the first time since she’d found herself at that bus stop in Invergarrig, she’d felt safe. All the whirling thoughts and questions inside her head had come to rest. And now it felt as if her whole world had been upended again. That Ben was the one who’d done it ripped her heart in two.
‘Who are you?’ she practically shouted at him. For the first time in his presence, she felt scared. She was in a hotel room with a stranger, a stranger who’d been lying to her.
‘If you just let me—’ He pushed himself up onto all fours, made a move to come closer. Alice backed away, clutching her arms around herself until she was prevented from going any further by the wall.
He held up his hands, as if to say,Whoa. It’s okay,looking so conflicted and confused that she wavered. On one hand, her heart told her that this was still the same man who had held her gently while she’d sobbed, but on the other, alarms were going off inside her head like World War III was about to start.
‘You’ve been lying to me.’
‘I—I haven’t been lying.’ Ben’s eyes were pleading. ‘I just didn’t tell you the whole truth. I didn’t even realise it myself at first. I thought my brain was playing tricks on me.’
Alice hugged herself harder. If there was one person who knew how unreliable a person’s mind could be, it was her. Memories weren’t concrete things. They were insubstantial, malleable. Prone to error or even complete erasure.
‘I mentioned it to the doctor at the hospital and he said I should wait for the specialists at the memory unit to decide what to tell you. He wasn’t sure if it might upset you further.’
‘Then why … Why are you telling me now?’
He sat back down on the mattress heavily, ran his hands over his face and through his hair before looking back at her. ‘Because I thoughtnotknowing was making it worse. Because … Because I couldn’t stand to see you tearing your heart out when I could do something to stop it.’ His arms fell by his side helplessly. ‘Maybe it was a mistake … Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. But I did. I can’t take it back now.’
He was right about that. While it felt as if her whole life had been razed to the ground yet again, whatever happened next would be built on the foundation of this knowledge.
‘While the doc said not to say anything to you, I told PC Wilson everything I know.I hoped it might speed up her enquiries, point her in the right direction.’
Alice’s brain began to tick away. ‘Is that why you … why you were so insistent about me staying in Invergarrig and waiting for her to finish her investigation?’
He nodded.
And the doctors in Glasgow. He’d tried to convince her not to leave before seeing them. It all made sense. She didn’t like it, but it all made sense. Her heart rate began to slow.
He shuffled off the bed, taking his duvet with him back to his sofa. With one arm, he gestured towards the empty king-size. Alice looked longingly at it. The air in the room was a couple of degrees lower than comfortable, standing-there-in-your-pyjamas temperature. She inched forward a little, keeping her eyes on Ben. ‘Tell me,’ she said. ‘Tell me how we met. Did we know each other? Were we friends?’
He shook his head. ‘We met in London five and half years ago. In July. I was only supposed to be there for a day, doing a bit of work before I headed off elsewhere. I … I bumped into you while I was sightseeing.’
‘Sightseeing? Was I a tourist? Do you know where I came from?’
‘All I know is that you lived somewhere in Greater London – south of the river, I think – and your first name.’
That information washed over her like a shower made of ice cubes. ‘You …’ Her throat was so tight she could hardly get the words out. ‘You know myname?’
He nodded, and she swore she got a glimpse of what he must have been like as a boy, in the midst of being told off, but desperate to smooth it all over, make everyone happy again.‘Kind of … You said something about it not being your full name, or your proper name, as we said goodbye, so if there was more, I never knew it. Do you want me to tell you what it is?’
She opened her mouth and then did nothing for a few seconds. ‘I … I don’t know.’ And she really didn’t. It felt like too much. Yet another piece of knowledge to send her brain spinning out of control, even though this was exactly what she’d wished for not ten minutes ago.
