‘Sorry for the subterfuge,’ Teresa began, but then corrected herself. ‘Well, maybe I’m notverysorry.’ She looked between Anna and Gayle, her eyes asking for understanding. ‘Something had to be done. We’refamily…And family gets through things. Family doesn’t let stuff fester – at least, they shouldn’t.’
Teresa was right, of course, but Anna wasn’t sure this was going to do any good. Gayle hated her. She glanced across at her mother-in-law, who looked as if she’d just sucked a lemon. If she’d needed any confirmation, there it was.
‘Right, I’m going to go and get us all some coffees. Cappuccinos?’ Teresa took in both Gayle and Anna’s nods and added, ‘I’m going to leave this little man here rather than try to deal with a pushchair and a tray, and while you’re minding him, you two can talk. Okay?’
Anna looked nervously across the table at Gayle. Although this had to be the most uncomfortable coffee date ever, she knew Teresa was just trying to help, and she loved her for that. However, she didn’t want Teresa to endanger her own relationship with Gayle and Richard.
But when Gayle turned to smile at her grandson as Teresa walked away, Anna realized she needn’t worry. The balance of power had shifted in that relationship, thank goodness. From the warm look in Gayle’s eyes as she gazed at Little Spencer, she wasn’t about to do anything to jeopardize being able to spend as much time with him as Teresa would let her.
Anna breathed out. Knowing that made what she was about to say easier. Even though she hadn’t come here prepared, it was suddenly clear to her what she needed to do. She couldn’t control what her mother-in-law did, whether she chose to hold onto this grudge or not, but she could stop being a coward and take responsibility for her own part.
After a couple of moments of staring at the acrylic tabletop, she took a deep breath and said, ‘I would like to apologize, Gayle. For what I said to you on Spencer’s birthday. I shouldn’t have said those things, and I’m sorry that I shouted at you in front of the rest of the family. It was wrong of me to do that.’
Gayle turned away from her grandson, looking slightly taken aback. ‘Th-thank you.’
‘And I want you to know that I didn’t bring Jeremy’ – Gayle’s eyes narrowed at the mention of his name – ‘to the party to upset you or cause problems. I had intended on bringing Gabi, but plans changed at the last minute and Jeremy stepped in. I… I know him from my salsa class.’
Gayle was watching her carefully. ‘But he’s more than that, this man. He’s not just a salsa partner?’
To deny this completely wouldn’t have been honest. ‘He was. We went out to dinner a few times,’ she said calmly. ‘But there’s nothing wrong with that, and at the party we didn’tdoanything. We didn’t even touch each other. I wanted to be sensitive…’
Gayle huffed slightly. Her expression told Anna exactly what she thought about that. It was tempting to do what she always did – whateveryonedid – and go along with Gayle for a quiet life, but she knew she needed to draw a line in the sand now, or nothing would ever change.
‘I might not want to be on my own for the rest of my life, Gayle. Surely you can understand that?’
Gayle looked away. She did understand, Anna guessed. She just didn’t want to.
Gayle spent a long time staring at her grandson, holding his hand and playing with his chubby fingers as he beamed back at her, and then, without looking around, she said, ‘I saw you with him, and I… I…’ She turned and her voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I thought it washimat first, you see. Just for a split second. The same sort of height, the same colour hair…’
‘Oh…’ Anna replied, her voice trailing away as she realized she didn’t know how to respond to that. Did Jeremy look a little like Spencer from the back? She hadn’t thought so, but maybe he did. ‘That must have been… hard.’
Gayle’s mouth wobbled slightly. ‘And then when I realized it wasn’t him, that you’d chosen someone who looked so much like him, as if you’d just… replaced him…’ She shook her head disbelievingly, ‘I saw red.’ She took a moment to compose herself. ‘I am very sorry, Anna, for what I said to you that night. It was wrong, and I didn’t mean it. I’ve wanted to tell you that for months now, but every time I thought about calling you or dropping around I… couldn’t.’ Her gaze dropped to the tabletop. ‘I was just so ashamed of myself.’
‘I appreciate that, Gayle. Thank you. But it wasn’t just the party, was it? Even before that I could sense that you were freezing me out. Why?’
‘Because it didn’t seem fair,’ Gayle muttered, eyes still downcast. ‘You could marry again, find someone new to love… But I’ll never be able to replace my son.’ She looked up at Anna. ‘And I could sense it coming,’ she said, looking both fearful and distraught.‘I could tell you were getting ready to do that, and I suppose I was jealous that you could find someone to fill that hole in your life when I would never be able to. The easiest thing was to push you away, so I didn’t have to deal with it.’
Anna swallowed. This was something she definitely couldn’t judge her mother-in-law for, especially as it was a Herculean effort to hold everything she’d been feeling since New Year’s Eve at bay. ‘I understand that.’
‘I don’t hate you, Anna, honestly I don’t. In fact, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have been bothered about any of this, but I just got so wrapped up in how I was feeling that I didn’t stop to…’ She looked at Anna pleadingly. ‘I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?’
As Anna regarded Gayle, she discovered she could. She nodded, but before they ended this discussion, she realized there was something else she needed to clear up, otherwise it was just going to rear its ugly head again in the future. ‘I’m not seeing Jeremy anymore,’ she said, and saw Gayle’s expression brighten. ‘But I might find someone someday. If ithadbeen me who had died instead of Spencer, if he was sitting with you here today, wouldn’t you want him to be happy?’
Gayle initially stiffened at the reminder of what she’d said at the party to Anna, but as she thought of her son, her eyes misted. ‘Of course.’
‘Then why is it so wrong for me to want the same – whatever shape that happiness comes in, whether it’s a man, or a new family, or something else?’
‘I suppose that’s reasonable, but…’
‘But?’ Anna prompted, not allowing her surprise at Gayle’s agreement to show.
Gayle looked her straight in the eye. ‘I suppose I don’t want you to replace him. I don’t want you to forget him.’
Anna leaned forward, tears suddenly hot behind her eyeballs. She wanted to reach for Gayle’s hand but wasn’t sure it would be welcome. ‘I willneverforget Spencer,’ she said, then had to pause for a moment until she was able to speak again. ‘Could you?’
‘No!’
‘Then why do you assume I will?’
