‘The strangest thing is, I thought I was ready. I thought I could find someone new, but it won’t ever be the same. Now I know I have to factor that in going forwards.’ She exhaled.‘But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m a tiny bit relieved about that.’
‘Relieved?’
‘Yes. I can say this to you, Brody, because you understand, you know how deep the scars go when you lose someone that way. I’m not sure Iwantto love someone that much again, because how would I cope if it happened a second time?’
He sighed and nodded heavily, even though he knew she couldn’t see him. ‘You’re stronger than you think,’ he told her. ‘And I’d be here for you.’ He would always be there for her. ‘Don’t give up, Anna. You deserve to be happy.’
There was a muffled rustling noise of fabric against fabric, as if Anna were burrowing down into her sofa. ‘On the taxi ride home, I was thinking… I’ve decided no more dating for the moment. I’m going to concentrate on other areas of my life instead. Remember I told you I was hatching a plan to help other people like us – widows and widowers?’ And she began to fill him in on the idea of using an app to do that, not quite a social network, but a way of connecting strangers who’d lived through similar experiences.
When she finished, he sat there, stunned. There was so much hope in her idea. She’d changed so much during the time he’d known her: six months ago, he doubted she would have suggested such a thing.
‘I think that sounds amazing,’ he said.
‘I thought if anyone would understand my thinking, it would be you, Brody. I’m just pinning down some final details before I go and talk to someone about it, to see if it would be something someone else would be interested in developing.’
‘Would it help to talk it through with someone?’ he asked.‘I don’t know much about this sort of stuff but I can listen if you need a sounding board.’ And that was what they did for the next forty-five minutes, until Anna began yawning and they ended the call so she could go to bed.
Brody sat in his chair for at least another half an hour, pondering what she’d said, thinking about how dynamic she seemed compared to him. Even though she felt bad about the whole Jeremy thing, she was still trying new things, doing something with her life. She was making progress.
So are you,a little voice in his head whispered.In small ways, so are you.
He’d noted while they’d been talking that she hadn’t mentioned meeting up on New Year’s Eve again, but he sensed she hadn’t dropped the idea. His pulse trotted at the thought. They might not have talked about it during the last week or so, but in that time he also hadn’t said ‘no’.
He’d been planning to, but his brain had stalled, and he hadn’t been able to think of a good excuse. Not one he could tell Anna, anyway. She was curious, quiet, but full of questions. He’d managed not to reveal anything he didn’t want to so far, but if he met her face to face it might be a whole lot harder.
That was one excuse for not telling her he wouldn’t be going anywhere on New Year’s Eve. The other reason, the one he wasn’t even sure he wanted to admit to himself, was that, even if he’d been able to continue to dodge her questions, he wanted what she was offering way too much, especially now he knew the ‘competition’ was no longer in the picture.
To meet her just once, to hold her just once, was all he wanted. He’d be able to walk away not exactly happy but… satisfied. It would be enough.
It would have to be.
Liar.
No. Not a liar,he replied to the jeering voice inside his head.Just a realist.It was the only way he’d be able to cope.
He was in love with Anna.
How was that for honesty? It had been growing for months, and he’d tried to sidestep that truth, but he could now no longer avoid it. It was pathetic, really. And he’d put himself in this position by isolating himself so completely from the rest of humanity. Of course he was going to form a deep connection with the only person he’d talked to properly for years. He should have seen it coming.
And that person had been Anna. That had been his undoing. When she’d first phoned, he’d thought he was just being kind, helping her out. He’d had no idea that she’d give him far more than he could ever give her. Couldn’t she have been some whiny, self-absorbed woman who had irritated him? That might have been preferable. He’d have been able to block her number and forget about her. Damn Anna for being so brave and surprising. He hadn’t really stood a chance.
‘It’s impossible,’ he said out loud to no one, except maybe Lewis, who had put his head back down on his paws but was still looking at Brody. He sighed again, and his gaze wandered around his study. Eventually, it landed on his Not Elf. After her rescue from Moji’s shop, he’d put her back on the bookshelf beside his chair.
Usually, she seemed to be staring far off into the distance, but tonight he had the strangest sensation that she was looking right back at him, staring into his eyes. Challenging him.
Why?she was saying to him.Why is it impossible?
That was the problem with having a good imagination. She was a lump of wood, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was just like the woman who had inspired her creation, full of questions that seemed simple but were actually terrifically complicated to answer.
You know why,he replied.It just is.
Chapter Forty-Six
ANNA STARED UP at the tall, wedge-shaped building that sat opposite Bromley South station. It was a bright, crisp autumn day and the sun glinted off the modern tower, making its glazed section almost too bright to look at. She felt a tremor in her stomach. This was where Rhys and Vijay, Spencer’s former business partners, now had their offices on the seventeenth floor.
Anna blew out a breath, stuck her hands in her coat pockets and marched herself up to the reception desk on the ground floor of the building. She hadn’t seen Spencer’s old partners for more than a year now, but she’d emailed them the Monday morning after her brainstorming session with Brody, outlining her idea for the app, asking them if they’d be interested in picking it up and running with it. They’d emailed back and asked for a meeting within forty-eight hours.
There were hugs from Spencer’s former partners when she arrived, and genuine smiles, which warmed her more than she cared to admit, followed by offers of coffee and delicious chewy chocolate biscuits, before she was led into a glass-walled meeting room that overlooked Shortlands valley. It seemed as if the whole world was crisp and full of frost-sharpened colours as it spread itself out for her below.
