‘I feel energized. I feel… awake.’
He knew she was telling the truth, could hear it in the buoyancy of her tone, the lightness. Such a difference from the first time he’d heard her voice. It made his chest ache. He wished more than anything else in the world he’d been there to see it today, to see her climb from the car, a look of joy and exhilaration on her face. He was so proud of her.
If they had been proper friends, the kind that met up and saw each other face to face once in a while, he would have suggested going out to celebrate. He was on the verge of asking her anyway, but then he sobered.
No. She had other friends for that. Better friends for that.
Friends? Come on! Tell the truth. At least to yourself. You want more than that.
No point,he replied to himself firmly.If I can’t even manage ‘friends’, what’s the point in taking it any further?
As Anna began to describe in detail her experiences at the racetrack, Brody wandered back into the house, paying more attention to her words than he did to where he was going. He ended up in his study. Leaving the light off, he eased himself into his armchair and looked up at the bookshelf. The little wooden figure that should have been an elf sat in front of the top row of paperbacks. It hadn’t seemed right to leave her in the dark and cobwebby workshop.
She wasn’t looking down on him, keeping him company. Instead, she looked off into the lavender twilight, staring into her distant future. A future full of fresh territory, fresh challenges. That was where she belonged.
Anna was moving on.
That was good. It was what she needed, what he wished for her, but he couldn’t help feeling that, at the same time, she was movingawaytoo. Oh, she’d probably still call for the next few months, possibly even the next year or two. She’d still tell him about her life, but that didn’t mean the distance between them wouldn’t increase. It didn’t mean it wouldn’t grow into a chasm.
Because there she was, blossoming. Becoming.
Whereas he was stuck in this damn chair. And it wasn’t even a particularly nice armchair. A spring had broken at the back of the seat and the arms were becoming threadbare.
‘Did this happen to you?’ she asked. ‘At some point in your journey out of grief, did you… I don’t know how to put it… Did you suddenly feel as if there might be hope, that life might be okay again one day? Not the same, of course, but just better than it had been?’
Brody crafted his answer carefully. ‘There certainly have been times where I’ve felt lighter than others.’ He wasn’t going to admit to her he’d been feeling hollow and empty for so long, he’d kind of got used to it.
‘And was it, you know, amoment, like I had, or was it a slower process?’
‘It was less…’ Brody fidgeted in his chair, ‘dramatic.’ And then, before she could probe any further, he headed her off at the pass. ‘So, what do you think is going to come out of this “moment”? What is going to change going forwards?’
She sighed. ‘I don’t know. All I know is that sometimes I feel happy and scared, hopeful and overwhelmed all at once. Theremightbe light in my future instead of just darkness, but for some reason I find that slightly terrifying too.’
Brody smiled. She’d put it so well. ‘Isn’t that what life is about?’
‘I suppose it is…’ She paused, and he could tell she was thinking about something. ‘You’re right – Ishouldmake some changes going forwards, and as we’ve been talking I’ve realized one of those things is my job. Gabi said something a couple of months ago about me not loving it and I didn’t really take on board what she was saying.’
‘You’re going to look for a new job?’
‘Yes,’ she said, sounding very certain.
‘What kind of job?’
She laughed. ‘That’s the whole problem! I think I’ve worked out that I don’t want my current job, but I have no idea what I want to do instead. I suppose I’m just going to have a look at what’s available and see if anything sparks my interest.’
‘It’s a start.’
‘Yes,’ she said again, still sounding so sure and confident – so different from how she’d come across when he’d first heard her voice on the other end of the line on New Year’s Eve.
When they finally ended their conversation, Brody couldn’t stop thinking about that, about how much Anna had changed, how much progress she’d made.
Whereas, all you’re doing is treading water,the little goading voice in his head said.Stagnating. You’re full of good advice when it comes to Anna but where is all that wisdom when it comes to your own life?
He glanced across at the book sitting on his desk, the one about panic and agoraphobia. He’d been trying to do everything it said for a couple of months now and it really wasn’t working, was it? Maybe this wasn’t something he could do on his own. But he supposed he’d got so used to doingeverythingon his own, that it hadn’t occurred to him to try a different route.
So what are you going to do, huh? Are you going to be brave, like Anna is being brave, or are you going to sit there and fester in that armchair until you become part of it?
That, thought Brody, was a very good question.
