BRODY SAT IN his armchair, staring at the fire burning in the grate and listened to Anna. When they’d first started talking, the calls had been more sporadic, but that had been close to two months ago, and in recent weeks they’d become more regular and more frequent.
‘I’ve been trying to push myself to go out of my comfort zone, be a bit more sociable. You know, just being open to things,’ she said. ‘People tell me it would be good for me.’
It seemed he and Anna had similar goals at the moment. Brody’s mind flashed back to the feeling of terror as he’d sprinted across Morrisons car park in Totnes earlier that week, and he felt his chest and face flush. He hoped she was having more success.
This evening, he’d made that stupid Thai curry, with his £20 bottle of fish sauce. It had smelled amazing while it had been cooking, but when he’d sat down at his kitchen table, bowl piled with fluffy Jasmine rice and the fragrant sauce, he’d raised his fork but hadn’t been able to take a bite. It was tainted now. The flavour would forever remind him of his failure.
Another thing to cross off his list of experiences. Another thing to avoid.It struck him that while Anna’s world was expanding, his was continuing to shrink to practically nothing.
‘How’s that going for you?’ He hadn’t meant his reply to have a cynical, slightly sarcastic edge, but it had come out like that anyway.
‘Ugh!’ was Anna’s only reply. There was a vague rustling in the background, and he imagined her sitting at the kitchen table and planting her head on its flat surface, feeling the cool of the wood against her forehead.
‘That good, huh?’
There was more shuffling, and he sensed she’d adjusted her position so she could talk again. ‘It’s not terrible,’ she said. ‘Not really. It’s just…’ She broke off while she searched for the right word. ‘Different. And different is hard work. Sometimes exhausting, sometimes overwhelming. You know what I mean?’
Unfortunately, he probably knew that better than she did. ‘Yes.’
He could hear the smile of relief in her voice when she answered. ‘I knew you would.’
He loved that sound. That slight change in her tone when she’d managed to express something she needed to, the joy at both having released it and having it accepted and comprehended. And he loved that he was part of that process, even if all he did was sit and listen. But in his shrinking universe, the fact that he could doanythingpositive, especially for someone else, was a rare blessing.
‘My friend Gabriela has a new boyfriend,’ she continued. ‘And she’s at that stage where everything he does is amazing,where every thought he has is an Einstein-worthy expression of wisdom.’
Brody let out a gruff laugh. ‘I can see what you mean about exhausting!’
Anna laughed too and the remnants of the jittery feeling that had niggled at him since he’d recalled the supermarket incident melted away.
‘But that’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?’ she added. ‘At the beginning. You’re supposed to feel that way. And I’d be sad for Gabi if she didn’t, but… I’m going to sound like a horrible friend if I say this, but you’ve already listened to me rant and rave and cry, so you might as well hear this.’ She shifted position, preparing herself. ‘That’s also part of the problem: they’re just so… so…’
‘Sickening?’ Brody suggested, making Anna chuckle.
‘No,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t laugh. Told you I was awful. They’re just soloved up. And I’m happy for her, I really am, because she deserves this, but…’
‘It reminds you of what’s missing,’ Brody finished for her.
‘Yes,’ she whispered.
For more than a minute they stayed like that, listening to each other’s silence on the other end of the line.
‘And I know people do go on to marry again after the death of a spouse,’ Anna finally said, ‘but it doesn’t seem real to me. It’s something I know logically, like a date learned in history class or the principle of gravity, but it doesn’t make it make sense here’ – Brody heard a faint thumping sound, like a hand or a loose fist meeting clothing – ‘in my heart. Because how could it ever be the same again? Do you feel that way too?’
Brody looked down at Lewis, who was napping in front of the fire,as usual, and he stalled by taking a sip of his whisky. ‘I understand what you mean,’ was all he was able to say. Now was not the time to explain.
‘How about you? Will you ever get married again?’
He looked at the etched glad of his whisky tumbler, felt its comforting weight between his hands. ‘I don’t think so,’ he said. Definitely not at the moment. Finding a new life partner wasn’t exactly a breeze when every time you came into contact with new people your knees turned to jelly and you wanted to vomit.
‘Do you get lonely? I do… Even though I can’t envision anyone else in my life, I find I don’t like having no one.’
Brody exhaled. Until Anna had started calling him, he hadn’t even considered whether he was lonely or not, but now he wondered. Was he?
He thought about how sometimes he’d come into his study in the evenings and stare at the phone lying on the desk, about the hollow sensation that followed when it stayed blank and silent, and he couldn’t share the things he’d stored away to tell her that day.
But maybe it wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t supposed to have only one person in the whole world to share things with, were you? Did that mean he was lonely?
‘Maybe I do… Occasionally. But I’m not sure marriage is the solution. I wasn’t a brilliant husband the first time around.’
