Anna stood open-mouthed as the rest of the family headed down the side of the dune that led to the beach. They were carrying a piece of her husband with them. A piece that she’d never known existed!
She dug back in her memory to that foggy time after Spencer’s accident, a period when she’d hardly been functioning. Richard and Scott had stepped in and done a lot of what had been needed: meeting with the funeral directors, dealing with probate. It was possible that they could have kept half of the ashes for themselves without telling her, but why would they do that? Why hide it from her?
But maybe theyhadconsulted her. They could have asked if it was a good idea to have circus performers and pink-spotted elephants at the funeral, and she probably would have nodded and said, ‘Fine… Whatever you want…’
The rest of the group had descended the far side of the dune and were already out of sight. Anna started to run after them, but now the sand had been disturbed, the top layer kept sliding over the layer underneath, taking her with it. It was like running up a ‘down’ escalator. She forced herself to stand still for a moment, caught her breath, then chose a different path and planted purposeful feet, one in front of the other, until she made it to the top.
When she crested the dune, she found Teresa waiting for her and they fell into step together, eyes fixed on the other three members of the Barry family, who were now some distance away. Camber Sands was one of those shallow beaches perfect for families on summer holidays, because at low tide the sea retreated almost to the horizon, leaving pools of seawater to be warmed by the sun for children to paddle in. On a day like today, though, it was a long and blustery walk to the waves.
‘You didn’t know?’ Teresa asked as they trailed behind the others.
Anna shook her head.
‘Cow,’ Teresa muttered.
Anna shot her a surprised look. She’d never once seen or heard any hint that her sister-in-law did anything but toe the party line, but the response resonated with her. It resonated quite a lot, actually.
Gaylewasbeing a cow today, and Anna had put up with all of it, ignoring all the little digs and snubs, because she was trying to be the daughter-in-law Spencer would want her to be – kind and supportive, making allowances for the other woman’s pain – but it had become startlingly clear in the last half hour just how much of a one-way street that was.
Spencer had adored his mum, but he hadn’t been blind to her faults, and if there was one thing he’d prefer his wife to be, rather than a doting daughter-in-law, it was someone who had a backbone. He’d always encouraged her to stand up for herself, to be more assertive.
Spurred on by that thought, she marched towards the small cluster of people where the shallow beach met the waves. The furnace of her rage roared brighter with every step. Teresa plodded along behind her, doing her best to keep up.
Anna’s first urge was to stride up to Gayle and let rip, but then she thought about how both Spencer and Gabi had always said that she bottled everything up until she couldn’t hold it in any longer and then it all came pouring out in an unintelligible eruption, ‘unintelligible’ being the operative word. She couldn’t have that. She needed Gayle to get this, to understand that it was not okay to have excluded her from today’s plans so completely.
When she reached her in-laws, Anna fixed Gayle with a steady stare and opened her mouth to begin.At the very same moment, Richard unscrewed the lid of the urn and Anna choked back the words, hit by a pain in her chest that was as powerful as it was unexpected.
A high-pitched wailing pierced the bluster of the wind around them, not a cry of despair but something primal and raw.
Anna guessed that she must have lost her internal battle after all, that the moment the lid had come off the urn, the boiling emotions she’d been trying to keep at bay had overtaken her like a tidal wave. She clapped a hand over her mouth as Gayle crumpled beside her, dropping to the wrinkled wet sand, and Anna realized it wasn’t her making the noise after all. It was her mother-in-law, her perfectly put together mother-in-law.
The sand and saltwater were making an awful mess of Gayle’s smart outfit, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was too busy trying to grab a breath between the heaving sobs, supporting herself with one palm splayed against the damp sand, her fingertips digging in so deep they disappeared.
Anna wanted to grab Gayle by the arm and force her to stand up again, to make her stop that horrible noise.No, she wanted to scream.This was not your moment. This was not your husband. He was mine! AndIwas his happy place, not this soggy, dirty beach.Iwas what brought him the most joy!
Both Richard and Scott attempted to help Gayle up, but she batted their hands away, and her raw sobbing continued. Anna stared down at Spencer’s mother, and words from that strange late-night phone call on Valentine’s Day drifted into her mind.
When life changes suddenly and unexpectedly, there’s a grieving of what was and what can never be again. I would call that being human…
Yes, Anna reminded herself, finding steadiness – strength – from those words in what was otherwise a day full of vertiginous twists and turns. They grounded her, brought her back to what was real and true.Whatever Gayle has done today, she is human. And she deserves my compassion.
Slowly, carefully, she got down on her knees beside Gayle, put an arm around her shoulder and drew her close.
Chapter Eleven
ANNA FOLLOWED GAYLE and Richard’s Rover back from Camber Sands to their house, sitting stiff and tight-lipped behind the wheel of her car. Her anger had been quenched briefly when Gayle had broken down on the beach – no one could have remained unmoved by that gut-wrenching sorrow – but it had begun to grow again as she’d stood by helplessly while Richard and Scott had scattered Spencer, or what was left of him, onto the waves.
She guessed it was supposed to have been a dramatic send-off, but the tide or the currents must have been doing something strange because the tiny little pieces of her husband had floated in a greyish-white scum on top of the silt-laden water and lapped around their ankles. It had been horrible. She couldn’t have thought of a worse ending to an already unbearable day.
She’d been so bewildered that she hadn’t even remembered about the little yellow bungalow until she was halfway back to Gayle and Richard’s. The whole journey back the words she’d collected ready to say to her mother-in-law circled in her head, and now she felt like one of those unexploded Second World War bombs. The tiniest touch, the slightest wrong move and –Boom!– she would detonate.
She pulled into the drive behind Richard and Gayle. Getting out of the car was an effort, and not just because she was stiff from driving; she felt utterly exhausted and her body was rigid with tension. The front door of the house was open, Gayle standing beside it, ready to shoo her guests inside. Anna approached the threshold but stopped before stepping over it.
‘Anna?’ There was a whiff of irritation in her mother-inlaw’s tone and Anna felt her blood pressure rise. She couldn’t look at Gayle. She couldn’t even look at the hallway through the open door. She was only just about holding onto her last shred of self-control.
If she went in there and had to make polite conversation after all that had happened that afternoon, that bomb inside her would go off. She was just so angry. Horribly, horribly angry. But having a meltdown over cucumber sandwiches and teacakes wasn’t going to help anyone this afternoon.
‘I’m sorry…’ she muttered. ‘I think… I think I’ve got a migraine coming.’ And before Gayle could say anything else, Anna ran back to her car, jumped inside, and reversed out of the drive.
