Anna laughed. ‘Yes, in March.’ She didn’t mind what month it was. ‘It was one of Spencer’s favourite places. The Barrys used to rent a cottage right on the beach almost every year when he was a kid. His dog, Lewis, used to love it there, ran around like an idiot on the sand all day long. We rented a place there for our first anniversary, a little wooden bungalow on the road just behind the dunes. Do you remember? The website pictures made it look like shabby chic, but it turned out to be just plain shabby.’
Her mother laughed. ‘Oh, yes! Didn’t the electricity cut out?’
‘The first time we tried to boil the kettle. We had to light candles and wait until the owner came the next morning to show us how to deal with the temperamental fuse box.’
She and Spencer hadn’t cared. Not only had the candlelight made everything more romantic, but Anna had been secretly pleased. They’d never forget that anniversary now. They had another anecdote to file away under ‘Anna and Spencer’s marriage’, one they’d share with their friends, and years later with their children and then their grandchildren when they took them to the beach.This was gold in the treasure chest of her soul.
But now Spencer was gone, those shiny moments she’d collected and cherished were all she had left. Only sometimes they felt like arrows in her heart instead of riches. Sometimes they were both at the same time. It was all very confusing.
Her mother must have guessed her thoughts, because she said, ‘I know it’s hard, darling. Especially as you didn’t have a proper chance to say goodbye to Spencer…’
Anna’s breath hitched and tears stung the backs of her eyes.
‘But maybe today will be a good day to try and do that? Not forget him, of course, but find a way to, you know…’
Anna’s shoulders slumped, and she mouthed the next words along with her mother: ‘move on.’
Her mother was almost as bad as Gabi, suggesting projects to fire her passion, different support groups and self-help books.
‘I suppose so,’ she said. It was just that nothing seemed to excite her anymore, nothing seemed to light her passion. It was very hard to move forwards when you felt like a flat tyre.
‘Listen… I’m just pulling into the hotel car park, so I’ve got to go, darling, but I want you to know I’ll be thinking of you all day. Call me again if you need me.’
‘I will,’ Anna said hoarsely. ‘Thank you, Mum.’
‘Nonsense. It’s what I’m here for.’
‘I know. But I appreciate it anyway.’ Anna heard her mother’s engine cut out. ‘I’d better let you go… Love you, Mum.’
‘Love you too…’ And then her mother was gone.
Anna concentrated on the road again, chewing over what her mother had said.It made her think of that stupid phone call on New Year’s Eve. That’s what she’d been hoping for, she realized now – a chance to talk to Spencer, to say all those things she wished she’d said to him but never had. And then that hope had been snatched away again when she’d realized it was just her imagination conjuring up things she wanted to be true.
And she was sad it wasn’t true, even if it had been a ridiculous idea. Even if it had been just that one time, it might have been enough. A chance to say a proper goodbye. Theirlastgoodbye. Because she needed to do that. Or at leaststartto do that. Her mother and Gabi were right. She needed to learn to live without Spencer, no matter how nonsensical the idea seemed.
As she drove, she pictured herself standing on the dunes at Camber Sands, looking out across a beautifully ruffled sea, the wind rustling the long, waxy grass, the pale sun low in a slate-blue sky. She imagined herself breathing out. That was all she was asking for today. Not complete peace and healing. Just some space to close her eyes, think of Spencer, and breathe out. All the way.
Chapter Ten
ANNA PULLED INTO a near-deserted car park an hour or so later. She turned off her engine and opened the car door, glimpsing flat grey sea between the Marina Café, public toilets and other low buildings. The moment her head rose above the level of the open door, the wind whipped her hair in front of her face. She left it there, too busy thinking about the last moments of the journey itself to bother pushing it out of the way.
On the drive down the narrow, dead-end road that led to the beach, she’d passed her and Spencer’s bungalow, and even though it had been remodelled and extended, she’d recognized it straight away.
This had been a good choice for today. The whole place was full of memories of Spencer, even this car park nestled in a gap in the dunes, with its ever-present drifts of sand that curled and swirled in the breeze. In her mind, she could see him at the pay-and-display meter, swearing colourfully as it refused his 50-pence piece over and over. And there near the café was the sandy slope he’d carried her up from the beach because she’d just dried her feet off from paddling and hadn’t wanted to get them gritty again.
She sighed. She couldn’t wait to just start wandering around, letting those happier moments come back to her. She needed them.
She turned as another vehicle arrived – Gayle and Richard’s ancient but pristine Rover, with Scott and Teresa in the back. It pulled into a space on the opposite side of the car park, near the café. Anna locked her car and began to walk in that direction.
Gayle emerged from the Rover in a smart black dress with matching jacket, her hairdo defying the blustery weather – how did she manage that? Shellac? – and supervised with military efficiency as Richard removed a canvas shopper from the boot and donned wellingtons.
‘Hi,’ Anna said as she strolled over.
‘Oh, hello,’ Gayle said, smiling slightly. ‘You’re here.’ And then she took in Anna’s jeans, dark-green jumper and her usual black coat. Her eyebrows lifted an infinitesimal amount. Anna had gone for comfort over style, but even if she’d decided to dress more smartly, she wouldn’t have chosen all black for today. She didn’t want to dress up like it was his funeral all over again.
The others emerged from the car and greeted her, all three of them giving her a hug and kissing her on the cheek. Richard and Scott wore dark suits, and Teresa a demure charcoal dress similar to their mother-in-law’s. None of them looked as if they were ready for a day at the beach. Had someone forgotten to give Anna the memo? What was the deal here, anyway?
‘Have you got the bag, Richard?’ Gayle asked.
