Part One
Chapter One
ANNA WAS LYING in bed with the duvet pulled up over her head. A thing not so unusual in itself, except for the fact it was half past seven on a Thursday evening, and she was fully dressed, bar her shoes. Somewhere in the distance, her doorbell was ringing. She was doing her best to ignore it.
She’d climbed into bed about half an hour ago, and she had no intention of getting out again that evening. Maybe not ever. It was nice in her cocoon. White. Calm. The world had been too bright today, too noisy. Just too flipping cheerful. But this was a lovely solution. She should have come up with it sooner.
The letterbox clattered. ‘Anna?’
Anna stared hard at the cotton duvet cover and began to count the individual threads above her nose. Maybe she should consider some sort of soundproofing?
The voice came again, louder. ‘Hey, there! I’m here. Open the door!’
Deep breathing… That was supposed to be good for keeping calm, wasn’t it? Anna decided to try it; she wanted so badly to hang on to this velvety, white numbness. The only problem was that it had been a very long time since Anna had been able to take a deep breath. Two years, nine months and eight days, to be exact.
Had it truly been that long? It still felt like yesterday.
She rolled over onto her side and curled into a ball, squeezing her eyes shut.
The voice called through the letterbox again, but it no longer sounded bright and happy. More irritated. Maybe even a little desperate. Anna blew out a shaky breath. Her bubble of calm was in a precarious state now. Cracks were appearing. She tried to pretend these intrusive noises were happening on a different plane, in a different reality. At least, she did until the voice became softer, more pleading.
‘Anna?Minha querida?Are you okay?’
Anna covered her face with her hands and let out a sound that was half-growl, half-sigh, then forced her legs out of her duck-down nest and found the floor with her feet. The rest of her followed a second later and then she walked mechanically out of her bedroom and down the stairs into the hall.
‘Thank goodness for that!’ her best friend said when Anna opened the front door. ‘I was worried you’d fallen down the stairs or slipped in the bath!’ Gabriela’s tone was cheery as she stepped into the hallway, but there was a tightness to the accompanying laughter and there were questions in her eyes. Anna knew Gabi wasn’t going to ask them, but she heard them anyway.You are okay, aren’t you? Or do I need to be properly worried?
Everyone Anna knew had questions in their eyes these days when they spoke to her. Often, the same questions. But they were afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or not saying the right thing. Anna lived in a minefield of eggshells.
Gabi thrust a cake tin into Anna’s hands. ‘I was missing my mother’s carrot cake, but I made far too much.’
‘Thank you,’ Anna said, receiving the tin and hugging it into herself. ‘I’ll look forward to it.’ Her friend’s bright-orange Brazilian version of the cake, slathered in chocolate sauce, was amazing.
Gabi’s eyes held a mixture of worry and hope. ‘Will you?’
This was more than cake. Gabi had always moaned that her curves were a result of her mother equating loving people with feeding them, but it seemed she was more like her mother than she realized.
Anna nodded awkwardly. ‘Of course.’ And then she went and placed the cake tin in the kitchen, out of sight, hoping it would curb any further discussion.
She appreciated that her friends and family cared about her, but she was sick of being watched, of every word that left her mouth, of every gesture, being judged and weighed and measured so they could compare notes, so they could encourage each other with the tiny pieces of evidence they collected that she was finally ‘getting over it’.
When Anna returned to the hall, Gabi squinted at her. ‘What have you done to your hair?’
Anna reached up and discovered that her shoulder-length brown hair was all fluffed up at the back. She smoothed it down with her hand, trying not to make it obvious. She didn’t dare glance in the mirror by the front door. She hadn’t left the house since Christmas Day, and she feared she’d see someone scruffy and pasty-looking. In comparison, Gabi looked immaculate. Her hair fell in dark, silky spirals around her shoulders and the cobalt-blue dress she wore complemented her warmer skin tone perfectly.
‘You are ready for the party, aren’t you?’ Gabi’s gaze travelled downwards to the crumpled little black dress Anna was wearing and to her stockinged feet.‘It’s only a few hours until we will all shout “Happy New Year” and I don’t want to be late!’
Happy New Year…
Oh, how Anna would like to do a little bit of surgery on that phrase. The first word should be chopped off and discarded, for a start. However, ‘new year’ was a fact. Nothing she could do about that. Time was going to march on whether she wanted it to or not, but ‘happy’ just seemed ridiculous, maybe even a little insulting.
A rush of emotion hit her, engulfing her so completely that she briefly considered sprinting up the stairs and diving back under her duvet. She turned to Gabi, ready to make her excuses, but the look in her friend’s eyes silenced her. Although she was clearly perplexed at Anna’s dishevelled state and more than a little concerned, there was something else shimmering under the surface, a look Anna recognized.
‘There’s someone you like at this party, isn’t there?’ she asked, because that sparkle behind Gabi’s eyes only ever appeared when romance was on the cards.
Gabi blinked at her innocently. ‘No.’
Hmm. Anna wasn’t so sure she believed that.
