Chapter 1
Greniv
Hearing a knock, my eyes widened and I shot up. Shit. My pants fell to my ankles then, unzipped, tumbling to my feet. The thick, black Poindexter looking glasses snug to my face slid down the bridge of my nose as I glanced to the vise around my pecker, realizing I was still holding it and now had a death grip on it.
Fuck.
My eyes darted around searchingly as the door knocker grew more insistent, and my panic along with it.Stop freaking out, you're in your own house, and it's locked!
Right. Don't panic. Turn the TV down. Pull pants back up. Answer door. It's fine. Glancing down at my hand and the serious wood I was sporting, greenery pun intended, I thought maybe washing my hands should rank somewhere on that list.
"Ah... Just a minute!" I called.
"He's probably jerking off to Swamp Thing," some asshole that wasn't getting free fertilizer for his rose bushes or garden anymore commented dryly. I didn't care who his lovely mate was.
"Harsh," William commented, but didn't argue the wolf's assessment. "Tell me, do you jerk off to Werewolf movies, Alfred?" the Satyr asked suddenly.
"What? No!" asshole barked, sounding startled.
"Huh." William's tone implied he wasn't so sure about that.
"Don't huh me, Billy Goat. Judgy bastard." Alfred was getting doggy treats next holiday. It was settled.
"Apologies. I'll keep your love of Animal Planet to myself, dog." William’s dry tone was cutting.
Alfie growled, the sound rattling the wall of windows lining the front porch. TV paused, tossing the remote onto the couch, I ran through my mental checklist. Yanking my drawers back up, my pants along with them, I ran to the kitchen sink to scrub up.
"Come, come. Nice now. All are friends here of the little plant boy." Segrid's deep, gravelly voice had me wondering just who the hell all was out there. And more importantly, why?
"I'm not his friend," the one-eyed cretin Penny called husband grumbled in his churlish way.
Did someone die, I thought worriedly. They wereallhere, from the sounds of it. Bode well, this did not.
Rushing to the door, trying to look like I'd been doing anything but trying to rub one out, I lifted a bottle of Green Grow and spritzed the air. Reaching for the small pot of soil by the door, dirtying my fingers with it, leaving them in the slightly damp bit of earth, I curled the pot to my chest and took a deep breath.
Opening the door, trying to play it cool, I squinted at the group crowding my doorstep. "Fellas, what can I do for ya?"
Several pairs of eyes blinked at me.
Alfie, sniffing curiously, grunted and then sneezed. Lips tipping up into a smirk, his nose crinkled.
Whatever. He wouldn't say anything, not if he liked breathing.
Segrid raised an inquisitive eyebrow, lips twitching, but didn't care to comment.
William, eyes bugging slightly as he glanced down, gaze quickly averting, had me frowning. "Ah... Gren. If it's a bad time, we can, uh, leave you to... whatever it is you're, ah, doin'."
"I'm fine," I insisted. My glasses slid down a little, forcing me to push them back up.
"Say you're more than fine," Ben muttered, giving the pot in my hand a pointed look. Clearing his throat, the Cyclops joked when I didn't get it, "Think your stamen is showin'."
Glancing down, I blinked at the phallic looking protrusion standing out and proud of the hybrid plant that had popped up in the middle of the pot. Yanking my hand from the soil, I set the pot aside on the stand just inside my sunroom.
Folding my arms over my chest, starting when the TV suddenly unpaused, I scowled to find Crookshanks, my come and go as he pleased swamp cat, staring over at us, his fat orange body on the remote. The volume suddenly shot up, Return of Swamp Thing blasting through the house.
As if it wasn't bad enough, I turned back to our group, trying like hell to act normal, and my baggy, oversized pants, up but unzipped, dropped to my ankles. Raging underwear clad boner out on display, my humiliation complete, ready to put my head in one of my soil pots and just die, Ben blinked, frowning down at my crotch, and pointed. "They make Captain Planet underwear for adults?!"
Yep. Nope. I was wrong. NOW I could bury my head and die.
