I grab it before I can talk myself out of it. Unlock the screen.
One text.
Beckett:You okay?
Two words. Sent at 11:47pm. Six hours ago. He waited up.
I lock the phone and put it face down on the nightstand.
I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know how to answer anything right now.
His hand in my hair. The sound he made against my mouth. The way he looked at me after, like I’d done something to him he wasn’t expecting.
I didn’t mean to.
But that’s not true either. I could have stepped back. I could have turned my head. I could have done anything except stand there and let him kiss me and then kiss him back like I’d been waiting for it.
HadI been waiting for it?
No. No. That’s not—
I think about Zoe. The bench at the makeup counter. The way she looked at me when she saidyou’ll see.
“I couldn’t be in a room with them without my skin feeling like it was on fire. I didn’t understand why I kept wanting to be near them even when it scared me.”
I told her that wasn’t me. That I didn’t feel that way.
I’m such a liar.
But it doesn’t matter what I want. It matters what Idid. And what I did was kiss someone I’m living with and then run away like a scared animal.
Great. Really great start.
I get dressed in the dark. Grab my bag. Check the time.
Early. Way too early. But I can’t stay in this room and I can’t go downstairs and sit at that table and pretend everything’s normal.
So I leave.
The hallway is quiet. The house is still. I make it to the top of the stairs and start down, keeping my footsteps light, keeping my breathing even, keeping my eyes on the door like if I just get through it everything will be fine.
Beckett is leaning against the wall by the entrance.
I see him. Pale pink hair, dark eyes, tattoos disappearing under his sleeves. He’s holding a mug of something, steam curling up, and he’s watching me come down the stairs with an expression I can’t read.
I don’t stop.
I don’t say good morning or hi or sorry or any of the things a normal person would say. I just adjust my grip on my bag and walk past him and push through the door and I’m outside, I’m out, I’m gone.
The air is cold. Good. Fine. I can work with cold.
I walk.
The campus is mostly empty this early. A few people heading to the gym, a maintenance cart humming down a side path. I don’t look at any of them. I just walk, fast, like I’m late for something, like there’s somewhere I need to be that isn’t justaway.
My thoughts won’t stop.
What if it changes everything?
