He laughs, but it’s cruel and mocking. “Complicated? Karmen, your whole life has been nothing but a complication.”
“Dad, I really don’t—”
“Spare me,” he mutters with disgust.
Embarrassment is the worst kind of offense you can commit against my father. He loathes anything that reflects poorly upon him. He’s all about appearances, and his reputation is more important than anything else, including his only daughter.
“This is the last thing I need right now. All eyes are on me and subsequently on you. And with the way things went down with Thanos, we don’t need another scandal on our hands.”
My father has never been one-to-mince words, especially with me. He knows exactly what to say to tear me down and make me feel like shit, and he knows mentioning Thanos is a kill shot.
I remain quiet. He won’t hear anything I have to say anyway. He never has.
“Do I need to remind you what’s at stake here?” he asks.
I grind my teeth, rolling the fidget back and forth on top of my thigh, but the fabric barrier of my dress pants prevents the spikes from embedding into my skin like I so desperately need. I toss the fidget on the floor and pinch the inside of my thigh as hard as I can. “No, I know exactly what’s at stake.”
More silence.
“Your mother wants me to remind you of the charity ball tomorrow night.”
Shit.
I intentionally forgot about that.
“I can’t—I have a lot going on and—”
“That wasn’t a request,” he says in a sharp tone, cutting me off. “You will be there.”
My neck stiffens at the command, and I fight against every instinct in my body to tell him to fuck off. The last thing I want to do is pretend to be the perfect daughter while my father plays politician and my mother the obedient wife. Since I can remember, they have held a charity ball every year to raise money for Haven of Hope, a nonprofit he founded years ago to help people struggling with addiction. A noble cause, but I’m no fool; it’s just a mask to conceal the dirty deals made at those twenty-thousand-dollar tables.
“Do you realize how important this is for me?”
It’s always abouthim. What’s important to him. How my decisions always affecthim. God forbid he acknowledge or even care about anyone else’s needs or feelings. I’m not going, but telling him that will only drag out this conversation, and I can’t deal with him tonight.
“I’ll be there,” I lie.
“Good. Don’t be late.”
He hangs up without saying goodbye.
Taking off my shoes, I curl into a ball on the couch, pulling a throw blanket from the back to cover myself. The heavy weight of loneliness presses down on me. I should be used to it by now, the empty void that never goes away. The merciless ache and longing for something more. But as darkness settles in and my thoughts drift back to all the years I’ve spent trying to prove myself, silently begging for my father to love me back, it all becomes painfully clear.
Nothing I do will ever be enough.
Iwill never be enough.
My thoughts drift to Benson, the only person who has ever truly seen me. The only person who has loved me for me. He was never ashamed or disappointed in me, even though there were plenty of times I was disappointed in myself. He showed me what love was supposed to feel like. I had it in my grasp, but like a fool, I destroyed it.
I burrow further under the blanket, haunted by the choices I’ve made, wondering if I’ll ever forgive myself for giving up something so beautiful and pure to please a man who will never love me, who will never appreciate my worth. Benson’s absence has been a constant ache, a reminder of the life I could have had. And in the crushing silence, I realize the cruelest truth of all: I lost him forever, and in doing so, I lost myself too.
Internal Affairs and the FBI showed up with a search warrant this morning and confiscated all my files, laptops, and devices. I was cooperative, handing everything over without question. They can search all they want. They won’t find anything. I have nothing to hide.
I immediately went out and purchased another phone, then sent Karmen a text to let her know my new number. I hardly slept last night as I replayed the previous forty-eight hours in my mind on a constant loop. My life has been completely turned upside down. My career is at risk.
My badge.
My integrity.
