“Because Mama says he would be sad if we were sad. I don’t want Daddy to be sad anymore, so whenever I miss him a lot, I just think about all the good he gave me while he was here.”
Sniffling, Dani gives her another hug and shifts her eyes to mine. “Your mom is right. He wouldn’t want us to be sad.”
I retreat back to the kitchen to give them a little privacy. Their faint murmurs follow me and I smile, thinking about what Caroline said to Dani. I’m sure there will still be moments of sadness.
For both of us.
But we are finally dealing with it in a healthy, positive way. By being honest about who he was and honoring the good things about him. Dean will always be a part of our lives, the best part of him sitting in the living room.
I close my eyes on a silent prayer, thanking God for putting him in my life. Despite the pain and heartache I’ve endured, it was worth every bit to have that angel by my side.
A few hours later, Dani grabs her purse to leave. She gives Caroline a hug, telling her she will be back to see her soon and asks me to walk her out. Once we’re outside, her whole demeanor changes. Those brown eyes of hers that were twinkling moments ago are now filled with disgust. “He’s only been dead a year. I can’t believe you’re already moving on. How could you do this?”
“Dani, I’m not trying to be rude, but my personal life is, again, none of your business.”
She takes a step forward, folding her arms across her chest. I can see the anger building an arsenal in her dark eyes. I want to take a step back but I don’t want her to think I’m intimidated by her, even though I am. My body is trembling with fear but I hold my stance. “I should have known this would happen. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I tried to tell him for years you two were more than friends but he was convinced you loved him.”
“I did love Dean.”
“No, you didn’t. You drove him to kill himself. It was the only way you could be with Linc.”
Spinning around, I reach for the screen door but she steps around me and kicks it shut, propping herself against it.
“I’m done with this conversation,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm.
“Well, I’m not finished yet.”
“Listen.” I soften my voice more. “I know you’re hurting, it’s been hard on us all, but I’m not going to wallow in my grief anymore. I can’t. I have a little girl to raise.”
“So that means letting Linc take my brother’s place?”
“I would never do that.”
“With the way Caroline talks, she thinks Linc hung the fucking moon. I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until she’s calling himdaddy.”
“Linc has been a part of her life since she was born. They share a special bond but he’s not her father and he would never try to replace Dean.”
“Right,” she spits with a scoff.
“What am I supposed to do? Never find happiness again?”
“He’s dead because of you. You don’t deserve to be happy.”
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I stagger backward.
She shoves past me, clipping my shoulder with her own, and without another word, climbs into her car and drives away.
I shouldn’t give her this much power over my feelings but it’s hard not to. Maybe she’s right; maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. I couldn’t love her brother enough to save him, so why do I deserve someone to love me enough to save me?
Acouple days pass and I can’t seem to let go of what Dani said. Her words are stuck on repeat in my head. Even though I know how sick he was, I can’t help but wonder if my attempt to leave pushed him over the edge. Maybe I should have stayed instead of being so selfish. Maybe I should have tried harder.
Then maybe he would still be alive.
I’ve wanted to confide in Linc about what Dani said but I don’t want to burden him with my problems. He’s got enough on his plate right now. We haven’t been able to FaceTime the last few nights, only talk over the phone for a few minutes before bed, which has been a relief actually. I fear he would be able to see the turmoil written all over my face. I certainly feel it festering in my heart.
In order to get my mind off of everything, Caroline and I are staying over at Gwynn’s tonight. I whip us up some spaghetti and garlic bread and after we eat, the three of us settle in the living room. Gwynn picks up a cream blanket that she’s been working on, along with her crochet hook, and goes to town. Caroline sits next to her, studying her every move and asking a million questions. Gwynn answers each one thoroughly and with extreme patience. My phone rings from my bag, I motion to Gwynn that I will take it in the other room. She gives me a warm smile and a nod. Swiping the screen, Linc’s handsome but tired face pops up.
“Babe,” he breathes, relief heavy in his voice. “So damn good to see your face.”
